"We are All Mad Here"

Catching Up, Continued...

2011-10-16T18:19:00.002-04:00

Before I can really start blogging about the things that are happening now, there's a good bit more information about the last (checks blog archives, feels faint) year or so that will help give some context and be generally useful. Otherwise, I imagine reading any current entries would be like missing a book out of a series; you have a general idea what's going on, but you stop and think, "wait, what???" every so often. So in no particular order, here are some things that have happened since my blog hiatus:

I grew to love bullet points. They make things ever so much easier and are nicer to read than huge, long, bulky paragraphs
As you'll remember, I was fired from the really great job that I loved (but had stopped loving for a lot of reasons) and sent back to the customer service department this past December
I languished until July, when I applied for a job and was offered a different, better, brand-new job. I developed a two-week training program and am in charge of training our customer service new hires. As Dadums is fond of pointing out, I'm their first consistent point of contact with the company, and it's nice to be trusted with that.
I celebrated the two year anniversary of the alien spine baby removal surgery. Mostly, I just breathed deeply and spent a lot of time being quietly thankful
One of my Jersey Girls agreed to marry the excellent young man who was smart enough to recognize her awesomeness and awesome enough that she said yes quite happily to his proposal
Aforementioned Jersey Girl has requested that I be a bridesmaid in her wedding. This is the first time I'll get to be a bridesmaid, and I'm incredibly honored that she asked me to be part of such an important day
While we're on the topic of engagements, it's only fair to mention that Jim and I aren't engaged. There's a fair chance that we may never be, but we're taking things slowly and figuring out what we each want
Speaking of Jim, he's doing pretty well himself. He joined a deck hockey league, is kicking butt on his fantasy football team, and has some good ideas about what he wants to pursue for a career
I was recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism (genetics, man. go figure!) and started a synthetic thyroid hormone regimen a couple of weeks ago. I'm shedding heavily (a side effect that usually stops within the first three to four months) and dealing with wild mood swings and unexpected hunger pangs. But I'm much less inclined to sleep for twelve hours and wake up tired, which is a huge plus (note to self: stop putting off seeing your doctor when something doesn't feel right. filed under: lessons i should've learned ages ago but which never seem to stick). I've also found some motivation to do things like knit and spin and clean my house (but not too much)
Speaking of the house, Jim and I are going to sign a one-year extension on our lease this week. We'll be living here minus the housemates. I can't help but think that things will go more smoothly for us if we're living as a couple without the stress of acting as the grownups/parents/people who make all the decisions to two other adults

Those are all the things I can think of at the moment. I'm sure there are things I'm leaving out or forgetting, but we'll cover them as we go from here. This weekend's weather was the very best of Pennsylvania in the fall--warm but brisk without the sun, bright, mellow, and downright chilly with all the wind. Now that we've had our two days of sunlight, we'll go back to our usual weather pattern--gray, miserable, grudging rain. That should last until December or January, when we'll switch to spiteful, icy sleet with too much snow for sanity to persevere. I hope your weekend was just the right balance of peace and excitement, here's to a new week tomorrow.

Snapshot: A Reintroduction

2011-09-24T22:39:00.005-04:00

One of the things I have noticed about blogging is that it's a lot like a correspondence. And when you're in a correspondence, if you let things taper off, after a while it becomes more awkward to pick them back up than it is to let the conversation die. I've been trying to think of ways to write a post that would ease me back into blogging and to sort of reintroduce myself. It's been a while, there are some changes, and it's nice to have a reference point to look back to. So here's a snapshot (or two or three or so) of my life right now. Please forgive the blurry self-portrait below, I had to take it by myself and that's the least goofy looking one of the bunch. But there I am, waving hello (sans glasses, but just picture some specs on there and we'll be pretty much totally accurate).

Who I am:

A 25 year old woman who lives with her long-term boyfriend and some housemates
A neurotic, recovering Type-A personality
A knitter
A spinner
A storyteller
A sister
A daughter
A friend
A musician

How I live:

In beautiful (if perpetually gray) Montgomery County, PA
With three housemates (one boyfriend, one boyfriend's sister, and one male friend)
For the convenience of a very large, fluffy, unpredictable cat
In interesting times

What I do:

Laugh
Make other people laugh
Fix things
Teach
Organize
Run herd
Spin (I spun and knitted the delightful item you see over there to the left)
Knit
Feed people (and myself)
Train people (all the fun of teaching, with none of the stickiness that children have)

Cast of characters in my story:

The family--two sisters, a mom, and a dad. We're all mad, but in a fun way

The boyfriend--six years together. We've got issues, but we're sorting them out
The housemates, Coll and Mike (see above)
The Jersey Girls (pictured at left, with honorary Jersey Girl [please don't tell him I called him that])--two friends I've known for 20 years. It doesn't get much better than that
The nerdy best friend--we're not sure if we'll take over the world, or have a dramatic caps lock vocab battle to determine who can possess it
The Drama Llamas--the various friends who vent their drama in my general direction

Locations:

The house--beautiful, old, feels like home after four years
The office--I've found myself working in the comic strip Dilbert
New Jersey--the southern part, where I grew up

Relevant information:

I came to blogging because I love stories. To me, the Internet's greatest power is its ability to let people from utterly different backgrounds tell their stories. It's why I read, and why I put these words out into the world
I hate having my picture taken, because I am very vain. I've fought acne for years, and when I'm always photographed with people who have gorgeous skin (like my two sisters) I become intensely self-conscious. Thanks to Proactiv (they're not paying me to say this) my skin looks like a grown up's should, and I'm trying to reconcile myself to having my picture taken. I want to be able to look back at photos and remember things fondly
I'm a compulsive reader. Cereal boxes, ingredient lists, trashy romance novels, hugely long classics, I love them all. It's the story thing
Jim (the boyfriend) and I drive Jeeps. I have a fear that we're already becoming that old couple that owns the same mint green velour track suit, so it's important that we note that I bought mine first. There are also some days where we wear the same shirts (we work for the same company and our employer likes to give out shirts). I'm always dressed first.

How To Make The Perfect Snow Angel

2011-02-21T22:58:00.004-05:00

...because the blog needs a little lightness, and the last entry probably made you guys think I am sitting here writing emo poetry in my own tears or something (not to make too light of a really tough situation. i truly appreciate the love and support. jim and i are sorting through things as best we can). Also, the last of the massive piles of snow has finally melted, so I can think about snow without feeling like gnawing on my own hair in frustration. And my Aussie friends could probably use a bit of a respite from their heat.

Step 1: Bundle up! In this picture, I am wearing a hat, scarf, two pairs of pants, three shirts, stockings, wool socks, and I have chemical handwarmers inside my gloves. It was surprisingly warm that day, but I appreciated all the warmth nonetheless. And when you're flopping around in the snow, make sure everything is really well tucked in, so you don't have bits of snow sneaking in and melting on the back of your neck or your ankles or your wrists.

Step 2: Find some pristine snow to defile. Look for a nice big, flat, smooth expanse of snow that's just begging to be frolicked on. Maybe get a nice picture of how crisp and clean the snow looks before you roll around in it. Front yards are good if you want a high-profile snow angel, but they tend to have more traffic to contend with. Backyards tend to be peaceful and to have plenty of space.

Step 3: Flop! Yup, just spin to face the direction you want your feet in, then flop down on your back. You can leap a little if you really want to, but that might untuck all your bundling, so exercise caution. Once you've dug yourself into a nice little niche, spread your arms and legs out, then wave them up and down like you're doing jumping jacks or maybe spinning. When you think you're done, lay there and stare at the sky for a couple of minutes. If you're me, wonder what happened to your camera during all the flailing.

Step 4 (and the only tricky one): Stand up. First, sit up. Then, trying to lean as little as possible on your hands so they don't make any unsightly dents, stand up and take a big, long step away from your handiwork. Notice the smooth lines your flailing made and the way your excellent hat kept the snow off the back of your warm little neck. Feel good that you made this beautiful snow angel instead of shoveling your car out, since you have four wheel drive and some pretty good ground clearance.

And there you have it. Should you ever be presented with a situation where you must create the perfect snow angel on pain of pain, you will be well prepared. I hope you guys are all having lovely weather. We are getting more snow tonight, but it should only be a few inches.

Dear Blog

2011-02-06T13:16:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you still. I'm not as busy these days, and I don't really have an excuse. I have a reason. I miss you, blog. You're a place where I can write about what's happening in my little slice of the world, work through things that are puzzling me, share joys and find solace for my sorrows. But lately, dear blog, I have been feeling off. And by lately, I mean the last several months.

You see, my relationship with Jim has been deteriorating, unraveling like a piece of knitting that's been slipped off the needles. I have been given lots of well-meaning advice, and have figured some things out on my own. But what I miss, really and truly, is how you listen. How I can tell you things in my own way at my own pace and you don't jump in and ask questions. How I can break down a little and you don't judge me for it or give me pity or fake sympathy. You simply listen, and that is a gift. But, dear blog, while I will tell you my secrets and hopes and fears and dreams, I don't think it's fair to share secrets and personal information that aren't mine--or exclusively mine. So I have not talked about Jim much, or our relationship in depth. I realize now that these relationship issues have affected me more deeply than I realized, and for longer than I suspected. And without the release of talking to you, so much emotion has been bottled up that I feel I might burst.

Still, there are other things we can discuss and I have been remiss in sharing them. Please know that it isn't because I've grown tired of you, or because I feel you aren't worthy to know and see and share these things. It's more that as things have progressed with Jim, I have drawn further and further into myself, sharing less and reaching out less. I'm not shunning you, I have been hibernating this whole winter. I have retreated into myself to try to rest after an exhausting, tumultuous year and to try to heal some of the hurts that I am wrestling with. I can maintain a brave face for most of the people I know, but I don't lie to you that way. Rather than try, I have simply absented myself.

Please don't think that my world is ending, or that I am sitting here writing dreadful emo poetry with my own tears or blood or other horrible things. I feel rather bleak most days, but as we have found out together, I am never broken. Jim and I are considering counseling, and trying to figure out if we can or want to salvage our relationship. Perhaps I will have better news for you in the spring. Know that I miss you, and that I feel our separation most deeply.

Always And Ever Yours,
Em

Here's to 2010

2010-12-28T23:22:00.003-05:00

the year that was not quite as bad as the one before. I'm not going to be sorry to see it go, though it was much better than 2009. In 2010, I learned about loss, about family, about love, and about myself.

This year, I lost my Aunt Joan. She was my grandmother, and I think about her often. My Aunt Anna Marie lost her mother, who was another grandmother-figure to me, and another strong, wonderful woman. I miss them both, and will do my best to honor their memories. We lost so many other family members that one of my hopes for 2011 is that it will be the year nobody dies.

In 2010, I learned what it's like to enjoy your job and to contribute in a real way to a company's success. Conversely, I learned what it's like to be told you're no longer contributing, and to handle professional adversity with professionalism and class (mostly, anyway).

This year, I reminded myself how strong I am and trained and raised money and walked in the SGK 3 Day for the Cure. It's still one of the best things I have ever done, ever, and is likely to remain high on the list. I didn't honestly think I could walk as far as I did, or that I would be as moved as I was to participate in such a huge, joyful event. It turns out, sometimes my body doesn't fail me.

2010 was a year of love. I spent more time with my Jersey friends and my family than I have in a long time, and I have made some amazing new friends who I am honored to know so well. I put as much love out into the world as I could, and have had so much love returned to me.

I learned that I can push myself hard and that I can do amazing things. I also learned that when I push myself too hard, I make myself sick and miserable and that nobody benefits from that. So for this next year, I'm going to concentrate on making time for myself, to do the things I do for me. Blogging is on that list, and so is cooking. I can count the number of home-cooked meals I have eaten this month on one hand. That's not healthy or fun.

What 2010 wasn't a year of was time or balance or rest. It ended up being a year of frantic running and squeezing time for me and the practical bits of living (like laundry and vacuuming) in around everything else. I gave so much of myself and my time that I didn't have any of me left for me. So I'm working on deciding between two themes for 2011, either peace or balance. I could use more of both in my life.

So here's to a 2011 with more blogging (some of it might be interesting), more relaxing, more real food, more enjoying the moments I'm in, and just as much love (can't start slacking now). Here's to a 2011 with less insane schedules, no major losses, and much less drama.

In Review:
--Phew, 2010 was a bad time to be part of our family. We had a lot of losses.
--2010 definitely = love. Much love. So hey, mission accomplished.
--2011=? Either peace or balance. We'll see which speaks to me more over the next few days.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

2010-12-11T23:22:00.002-05:00

I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year. I love the magic, and the glow that everything has, and that for one small part of the year, people are willing to give and to create joy for others. But here it is, two weeks before Christmas, I'm not feeling it. I'm not ready. I have looked within myself to find that inner child who glories in the lights and the songs and the giving and you know what? She seems to be sleeping. Or maybe she wandered off.

I don't know quite why it is, but I am just not thrilled for Christmas. The house isn't decorated yet, we don't have a tree, and I haven't done any of my shopping yet. I'm not humming carols, I'm not baking cookies, I'm not bullying other people into enjoying the season.

Maybe it's because I'm tired. I feel as though I've spent the entire year running, filling every spare moment of my time. I have been better about saying no sometimes, but my free time is still packed full. I keep telling myself it's only a few more weeks, and then things will calm down. But that never actually happens. I'm starting to realize that there is no calm. And I take a day off every now and then and spend the day in bed lounging. But that never-finished to do list keeps niggling in the back of my mind.

Maybe it's because I enjoyed Thanksgiving so much. The day with my family at the parents' place was great, and Second Thanksgiving here was a lot of fun. We finally finished most of the leftovers (which I loved) and I got to spend a lot of time in the kitchen, which is something I love. Goodness knows I have so much to be thankful for, and that I remember it every day.

Maybe it's because I got demoted at work. Last week, I was called into the HR office and told that I was no longer qualified for my job, and that it was being phased out of our social media strategy. I'm back to answering phones, working in the Customer Service department. I lost the first job I've ever actually liked, and there's no chance of my being able to do anything similar to it. I'm good at customer service, and that's where my company plans to use me. So hey, I'm not unemployed. I'm not even making any less money. But I hate customer service. And I hate feeling like I've taken such a step backwards in the company.

Maybe it's because things with Jim still aren't great. I talked to him in October and told him what I need, want, and won't compromise on in the future (marriage, children, and a fair division of housework). I told him he has a whole year to figure out what his goals are (for us and in general), and then we can discuss whether those are compatible or not. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is going to decide he's not prepared to discuss marriage and children as a definite (i'm not saying we need to be married in a year or anything, but i need to know that jim is okay with it and it will happen. same with kids. i am by no means ready yet, but when i am, i don't want to find out that jim can't stand the thought of having children). It feels like I'm spending the next several months trying not to say goodbye, which isn't fair to Jim. He has plenty of time to do some soul-searching, and he may yet surprise me. I am certainly hoping he is.

So I don't know if any one of these things, or a combination of all of them is keeping me from getting in to Christmas this year. But really, if we were to skip it all together this year, I'd be okay with it. I'm really hoping that I'll get into the groove next week, when we get a tree, finish the decorating (we'll start this week) and I do the grocery shopping for Christmas dinner. We'll see. Here's hoping that you're ready and waiting for Christmas morning, with better spirits than I can scrape up.

Quickest Blog Ever...

2010-11-27T09:29:00.002-05:00

Since we had Thanksgiving dinner with my parents (it was wonderful) but also had a free 20 pound turkey from our local grocery store, we are having what I think of as Second Thanksgiving today. Mainly because I need leftovers. Though, there will be ten of us tonight, so I'm not sure how many leftovers there will actually be. Between me, Jim, Colleen, my parents, his parents, Kate and Patrick, and my wonderful friend Laura, we should give that turkey a pretty good go. It's soaking in a brine upstairs now (coldest part of the house, and I don't want this to go down in history as "the year emily gave everybody food poisoning") so I have to go turn it and put it in the oven soon. My secondary goal is to finish the handspun scarf for me. I have a tiny ball of yarn left and no plans for tomorrow, so this might happen. Hope you're having a fantastic weekend!

WIP Roundup

2010-11-07T13:44:00.005-05:00

Fair warning, this is a picture heavy post! I have long suspected, and today confirmed, that I am much better at starting projects than I am at finishing them. I think I've rounded up most of my current WIPs (and if i haven't, i'm pretty sure i don't want to know what i'm missing), and I'm going to list them here.

I'd planned a couple of blogs over the last week or so, but after visiting my family for the Halloween candy swap, I came down with a nasty bug and spent the last week pretty much going to work, coming home, and going to bed. Now that I'm able to stay awake past ten pm, I should be able to get some decent content going again.

Here's everything all jumbled into one big, glorious pile of potential. It doesn't look like a lot, but I knit at the approximate pace of molasses heading up a hill in the snow, so it's going to take me a few months to whittle this pile down a little. A surprising number of these things are for me, which means that they will probably take longer to finish than anything else in the pile. Let's take a closer look, shall we?
(please note the excellent backdrop--it's the blanket that Roxie sent me last year and it is wonderful. they're "friends from outer space")

This is the first item for me, it's a scarf made from some pretty merino handspun. This is the one you saw at the beach, and it was doing really well until I realized I left out a row and that the wrong side had become the right side about ten inches back. It's only a four-row feather and fan lace pattern, but as I keep discovering, I can't count to ten on a regular basis.

Detail shot of the handspun. I couldn't get the colors quite right, and this is the closest I was able to get. There are a lot of colors mixed together, and it's a two-ply so there's a lot of barberpole going on here, but it's pretty neat to see the blocks or rows of one color develop as I knit.

This is a random rectangle I was knitting, probably while I was drugged last summer. Near as I can tell, it's a small dish towel. I'll probably finish this one fairly quickly and put it aside as a Christmas present or use it to wrap something in. It's just a big, plain red rectangle.

Here we have a long-standing WIP, it's the beginning of a huge scarf for a huge guy. It's bulky weight yarn knit on small needles, so it'll be bullet proof when it's done. It's sort of a pain to knit with such chunky yarn, and I don't think I bought nearly enough, so this one needs some supplies before I finish it. Guess I need to buy some yarn. What a hardship!

Here's a detail shot of one of the socks I've been working on for forever. It's an easy pattern (lacy mock cables by kat @ the island of misfit patterns) but it met with an unfortunate accident involving some scissors in the work basket. I'll need to frog a few rows back and try to repair it. I'm at the last few inches of the foot, so I should really stop putting that off, now that I think about it.

Here we have a triangle made out of recycled sari yarn. It's going to be a gift, but I ran out of yarn for this (i'm starting to pick up a pattern, are you?) and I'll need to order more. The yarn was a Christmas gift, and it's fun to work with, but it freaks my poor camera out (why is there a "cuisine" setting, but not one for knitting?).

I mentioned that I knitted two pairs of gift socks while training for the 3 day, right? After all that, I decided to treat myself to a pair of socks for me. I'm not normally a pink person, but this shade of baby pink doesn't bother me...much. It's actually kind of pretty. I'm getting ready to work the heel flap on the first one, I'm using an easy two row pattern but the heel instructions are a little weird, so we'll see how that goes.

This is a picture of not one, but two Brangians. The red one will be a gift, and the green one in the background is for me. The green is Knitpicks shadow in Cattail and the red is Jaggerspun in Zephyr. Both are beautiful yarns, but I like the Shadow just a little better, it feels softer to me. I think I'll work on one of these today while watching the good (BBC) version of Pride and Prejudice.

Last but not least, we have a proto-sock for Colleen. It's the same pattern I'm using for my pink socks (i'm picking up another theme here, i just love making multiples of things. no issues with second sock syndrome here) and since they'll be short and Coll has tiny feet, they should be reasonably quick to knit. The yarn is something I picked up at a really deep discount, it's very soft and pretty thick for socks. They'll be bed socks, rather than out and about socks.

That wraps up the WIP list, thankfully. It's time to put a movie on and try to make a dent in the pile. I have enough here to keep me busy for a while, and I'm sure I'll get distracted along the way by something new or different to add to the list. I'm optimistic, though--most of these will be finished by about 2043 or so.

All Summer In one Post...

2010-10-18T22:16:00.004-04:00

and the first part of fall, too. Between training and fundraising for the 3 Day, trying to catch up with friends and family, and well, life things have been insane. Good, but insane. So here's a catchup post, to let everybody know where I've been. After this, I should be posting fairly regularly again, since the 3 Day is over and I'll have time again. At least until it's time to think about next year's event.

I spent most of my training on a treadmill. It gets boring really, really fast. This is the first pair of socks I knitted on the treadmill, they took about 6 weeks, I think. I'm immensely proud of them, since they're both the same size, and they fit the friend I made them for pretty well.

This summer, we had a ton of tomatoes. I vastly overestimated the number of plants we needed, or could really fit into the garden bed. They overflowed their supports and we lost a few. But for most of the summer, we had fresh delicious tomatoes that were such a deep, rich red it was hard to believe they were real. Along with tomatoes, I planted sunflowers and marigolds. Sadly, the marigolds never came up, but I'll try again next year. I love the colors of those simple little flowers, and I'd like to see how they do as a dye product. I also planted a little thyme plant, because it's one of my favorite smells ever. And there's a basil plant in a container that's hip-high and smells wonderful whenever I brush by it. We'll be getting frost overnight here soon, so it will be time to bring it inside and see how well it does over the winter. I might have to investigate drying my own herbs in the near future.

I went to my sorority alumna formal this August. That's me in the blue dress in the middle of the picture there. We all look a little demonic because of all the flashes going off at once. I found the dress at a local Ross, after trying on several others that just didn't work. It's floor-length, deep blue, and I felt like a lady in it. My hair was pulled back in an elegant bun, until the dancing started. It was a great night, and I got to re-connect with a lot of wonderful women. Colleen was my date, since Jim doesn't do the dancing, crowds of women, or sorority traditions very well.

Speaking of Jim, he and I took a couple of days and went to the beach before our anniversary this year (we went kayaking to celebrate officially, but i wasn't going to bring my camera out there, since i'm rather fond of it). We snuggled, walked hand in hand down the boardwalk, lost a few dollars at the slot machines, and walked on the beach in the moonlight. It was a great trip, but it led to a long, serious discussion. Jim reads the blog, and I don't know how much he's comfortable with me sharing, so I'll just say that he isn't sure what his plans for the future--our future--are, and that when the lease is up, I'll have some things to figure out, and we'll leave it at that. I'm hoping things work out for the best, but I don't really know where things will go. It's tough.

This is Nom Nom Bronto. He lives at my office on the wall of the cubicle I share with a great guy named Phil. We use a company called Bronto for our marketing emails, and they send these little guys out to all their clients. Those clients then take the brontos all over the world with them when they go on trips. The bronto has never been to a 3 Day, though, and since I hate getting my picture taken, he made a great stand-in. This is a picture of him at the very first stop on the very first day. I carried him all the time I was walking, and he was a great conversation starter. Lots of people wanted to know what he represented, but since we were usually walking, I tended to go with the short answer--he's awesome! I have a ton of pictures of Nom Nom, and one of him at closing ceremonies that I wanted to upload, but blogger isn't cooperating right now, so I'll put them up later in the week.

I'll spend a little more time on the 3 Day and then try not to dwell. I walked mostly with one of my teammates who is awesome, and did some walking with a teammate that I don't like, and can't make myself think well of. The cool teammate and I finished the walk, and we walked about 50 miles over the 3 days. It was hard as hell, I won't lie. We took a bus or a van a few times, since we didn't want to injure ourselves. But we helped raise some of the 5.7 million dollars that Philadelphia brought in, we met some wonderful people, we helped raise awareness about a disease that takes far, far too many women from us, and we pushed ourselves to do something pretty amazing.

I realized that after that, I don't have any excuses. What I mean is, I can't really tell myself something is beyond me any more. I also can't hate my body, or dismiss it. This body, this willpower, carried me through an amazing journey. I did something I didn't think I actually could, something that a lot of people can't. It was hard, and it hurt (ask me how much fun I had hobbling and treating my few blisters--and i'm in relatively good shape) but I trained and pushed my limits and found that it was harder to reach those limits than I thought it was.

I am incredibly fortunate, I haven't lost anybody I love to breast cancer. My family is full of survivors of various cancers, though, and I walked for them, and for some wonderful people who've been lost to other kinds of cancer. I walked for myself, to prove that I was "back", and I walked for the daughters I might have one day. Most of the walk felt a little surreal, and since I wasn't a breast cancer survivor and hadn't lost someone, I felt a little out of place. And then, we walked by houses decorated with signs that said things like "A survivor lives here. Thank you for walking" and "I'm a living statistic. Susan G. Komen saved my life, I wouldn't be here without the treatments they helped research." and suddenly, I felt like I was a part of this, and I was helping and making a difference. That's an incredibly powerful feeling, and I want to be part of this event for a long time. I can help change the world, who can possibly say no to that?

It's getting late, and I have to go back to the real world tomorrow, so it's time to wrap this up.
In review:
--Holy shit, it's been a long time since I wrote a real entry.
--I'll be back to posting semi-regularly again, though. I miss blogging, and I have a lot more free time now.
--I walked about 50 miles in 3 days and helped raise a buttload of money for a great cause. Sometimes, I don't suck.
--This summer I grew some things, went to the beach a few times, got dressed up for a formal, and walked a lot.
--This fall I am going to take more baths, spend more time relaxing and spinning, and knit a pair of socks for me (since i've knitted two pairs as gifts this summer. that's right. two pairs, one summer).
--I really, really want a cookie.

Quickie....

2010-10-14T22:25:00.003-04:00

...to let everyone know that there will be a full entry (sadly, the first in months) on Monday after I've completed the SGK 3 Day for the cure. Training to walk 60 miles in 3 days and raising the required amount of money had taken over my life and a lot of things have fallen by the wayside. The only thing that hasn't, now that I think about it, is my knitting. I've finished two pairs of socks in less than six months, it's a little crazy for me. So, pictures and a retrospective summer blog on Monday. I hope everybody has a fantastic weekend.

Simple Gifts

2010-07-21T23:32:00.003-04:00

Momolla's post inspired me today, so I'm going to throw a quick blog out. Things have continued to be hectic, in a more subdued way, and I think it would be good to spend a few minutes being thankful. Right now, I'm grateful that:

* I managed twenty-five minutes on an eliptical machine today. A year ago, I wasn't allowed to go near the things.
* I am healthy and strong enough to walk ten miles at a go (like i did this past saturday).
* I finished my first treadmill socks and am sending them to a dear, dear friend. I also have another quick present in the works for someone special.
* It's nice to be in a position where I have enough to pay my bills and a little extra to buy presents with sometimes.
* I picked two handfuls of tomatoes from my garden today. A few cherries, some romas, and a couple of beefsteaks. They should be delicious.
* There's just been a thunderstorm and everything is fresh and cool and smells wonderful.
* The kitchen is (relatively) clean. And the laundry is done. And the bathroom is clean.
* I'm plying the merino I've been spinning since May. It will be gorgeous.
* Today, I woke up next to a wonderful man who I love deeply. I'll probably fall asleep next to him, too.
* There is about two pounds of fudge in the fridge (please feel free to come eat some of it! there's plenty to go around)
* I have a job that I like and I work for a company that regards me as an asset, not a hindrance.
* I can wear high heels to work. They make me feel so feminine and confident.
* I have a group of wonderful online knitting friends who I can share these things with.
* There is a nook in the mail for me, it should be here tomorrow (courtesy jim and a friend from work, mostly!).

That's all I have for the moment. I hope you all have a day (or night) full of sweet things to be thankful for. (i am fighting the urge to add a smiley right here. stupid day job on the internet!)

100* In The Shade...

2010-07-06T23:35:00.004-04:00

...and I only wish I was kidding. Seriously, the weather forecast looks like this:
(picture courtesy of noaa.gov)

The coolest it has been in days is about 80*, at night. If we are lucky, we will get massive thunderstorms on Saturday that will cool things down some. In the mean time, we are using the window air conditioners to sleep (i am dreading the electric bill this month), taking lots of cool showers, and not moving around very much. Jim and I work in the air conditioning, but spending the whole day being cool means you are very much unprepared for the massive, blazing wall of heat that greets you as soon as you step out the door.

The tomatoes are turning yellow, the impatiens gave up days ago, and the wildflowers are all looking pretty singed. We haven't had any water restrictions yet, but I have to be careful when I water things, so as not to steam the plants during the day. I'm hoping that this weather doesn't last past the end of the week, or I might not get any tomatoes this year. Thankfully, they seem to be sturdy, determined plants--they have crowded out the peppers I planted along with them. If I'm lucky, we'll get a couple of jalapenos, which I can make some salsa for Jim with (i am not so much for the spicy peppers, but they were a birthday gift from jim's mom).

I'm walking five miles tomorrow night after work. I'm getting a lot better at walking, as goofy as that sounds, and all the training is paying off. However, my feet are getting rough and callused. I'm 'lucky' I haven't lost any toenails yet. This is about the time where I start wondering what I have gotten myself into. We are having a bake sale at work next Friday to try to raise some money for our 30Day team, and I need to put together a few fundraisers of my own. I am always open to fundraiser suggestions, if you happen to know of a good way to make a few dollars for a great cause.

Time for bed now, since we're getting up early to drop Jim's car off at the shop tomorrow morning before work. We might get to take the especially scenic route.

In review:

--It's hot. Very hot. Random-people-walking-up-and-asking-if-it's-hot-enough-for-ya hot.
--This used to be my kind of weather, but I am not doing so well this year.
--The plants are giving up, and I don't blame them.
--Five miles of walking tomorrow. Ten miles Saturday. Six miles Sunday. I must be crazy.
--Jim and I had a date tonight. We went out for pizza, all by ourselves. It was lovely.

Something Gave...

2010-07-04T12:06:00.002-04:00

...and it was the blog. True to my promise to myself, I have started saying no. I am not always very good at it, and I still say yes to so many, many things before I say no. But mostly, I am being realistic with myself and letting myself have time to decompress and relax. Unfortunately, that meant that something had to give. That something, as you can tell by my lack of entries, has been the blog. I miss it, and I have been neglecting it shamefully for months now. But when faced with a choice between getting a little more time to relax/sleep/run errands/etc and blogging, everything else won out.

This makes me pretty sad for a variety of reasons. For one, I love writing this blog. It's a way for me to keep in touch with so many of my wonderful friends, and it's a record of where I've been and what I've done, and as narcissistic as it sounds, I like to go back and read entries. For another, I have been maintaining the company blog pretty much by myself, which is a daily reminder that I don't have the willpower and energy to maintain my own. Also, even when I'm not blogging, I get ideas for blogs that start kicking around in my head, asking to get out. These days, they get written in my head, and sort of filed away for later.

Well, I will be neglecting the blog less. Things have settled down into something of a routine. And really, I miss writing here. I miss reading and commenting on blogs (i read a lot of blogs regularly but almost never comment now, which also makes me sad) and I miss feeling connected to my bloggy friends. I've never been good at corresponding or anything that required discipline, but this is fun, and it's one of the few things that I do that is purely for me. Blogging here is purely selfish, and I love it.

And now for something completely different. Knitting! I finished a pair of socks in just a little under two months. Not anything to write home about for most knitters, but I feel like I broke a land-speed record with these. They're plain vanilla socks that I will take some pictures of before I give them to my friend Amy. I discovered I can knit while I walk on the treadmill for my 3-Day training, and that knitting while I walk makes me feel more productive and less like a hamster on a wheel, walking to nowhere. After five miles, I have a good couple of inches of sock to show for the walking, not just some numbers on a screen. I've also finished a scarf I started for Colleen ages ago, plus the second ugly scarf, which is for a friend of ours. I have another plain sock (this one in 1X1 ribbing, for variety) on the needles for working out, and I'm making Jim some handwarmers for the office (when it's ninety degrees outside, it's about sixty-five in our office. we don't like the thought of warmth where we work). I've also cast on for the excellent Brangian shawl, which is lulling me into a false sense of security, thanks to the simple, addictive beginning. I know that in the next day or two, I will be getting to the actual lace part, and punished for my complaisance (not by of the pattern [by the way, uncharts are a great idea], but because i am trying to knit something challenging, and i subconsciously undermine myself a lot when i knit something challenging).

Through all that, I am also spinning. I took a break in spinning the-merino-project-that-won't-end-but-I-don't-mind-spinning-it-because-it's-so-pretty and spun up a little bonbon of fiber. It was angora and something so soft I couldn't stop petting it. After a quick, rough spin, I have a very small quantity of this yarn as a single (it was two ounces, and I spun it rather thickly with lots of soft, fuzzy slubs. that was totally, totally intentional. yeah. intentional) and I'm not sure what to do with it, other than pet it. I am thinking I might use it to edge something, since it's so soft and fuzzy. Like, say, a second set of handwarmers for me.

It is time for me to go find breakfast/lunch/food now. Jim was hit with a wicked stomach virus earlier in the week, which he passed on to me just in time for me to miss the fireworks yesterday (i may sort of hate him a little for that. i love the fireworks) but I am feeling pretty well today and can't wait to eat more than two slices of toast and an egg (yup, all i ate yesterday, and i almost couldn't keep the egg down. thanks, jim). We have tomorrow off for the holiday (Independence Day here in the US) and we are planning on sitting around, drinking cold liquids and not doing much, as we're expecting temps near 100* F ( 37.7 *C) and we don't have air conditioning in most of the house. I hope you are all having a great weekend, and that you are blessed with cooler, milder weather than ours.

In review:
--I suck at blogging at home, for a lot of reasons
--My nemesis at work got fired. I feel sort of sad, sort of happy
--Blogging should happen more regularly here, hopefully
--Knitting is happening at frighteningly quick speeds (by my standards)
--Spinning, not so much. Still plugging along, though
--Stomach viruses make your natural inclination to motion sickness worse, and mean you can't drive to the next state over to see the fireworks with your family and friends.
--I miss you guys

To My Father...

2010-06-20T22:44:00.002-04:00

Thank you, for all the lessons you've taught me. I've seen a lot of parents in my time, and as far as dads go, I think I ended up with one of the best.

You taught me the value of hard work, that no job is ever beneath you, so long as you do it as well as you can. You taught me that there's no shame in being broke, and that no matter how much or how little you have, there is always enough to share with someone else.

You taught me patience, and the value of controlling my temper. You taught me how to fish (though i couldn't catch one today, if my life depended on it) and that tools are awesome.

I know you wished for a son, but you have loved your house full of women, anyway, and that daughters weren't a consolation prize for you. Watching you and Jim interact, and the way you've welcomed him into the family, gives me more joy than you can know.

You taught me that it's never too late to achieve your goals, and that there's no time to start working on them like the present. You (and mom) taught me what a good marriage is, and what it's like to love and respect your partner.

You taught me that a sense of humor will get me through pretty much everything, and that there is nothing, no situation, that is too serious to be laughed at. Gallows humor is some of the most cathartic.

You taught me what family is, and that it's not always the people we're related to by blood. You taught me what generosity, of time and of spirit and of self, truly are. You taught me that no matter what, I am loved, and that family supports one another.

Gods help you, you tried to teach me about beer (that one will probably never take, i'm a hard liquor girl).

You taught me about perseverance, and about not quitting. You taught me about strength, and courage, and loyalty. We have not always gotten along, we've actually butted heads pretty often (i was not an easy teenager, or an easy young adult), but it makes me proud and happy that we not only get along, but we enjoy one another's company now. So thanks Dadumms, for everything you've taught me. They're lessons I carry with me everyday.

Requiem...

2010-05-29T22:13:00.002-04:00

...for my Aunt Joan, who died today. I never had much of a relationship with my grandmother, but thanks to Aunt Joan, I never felt as though I was missing out. She was strong, kind, loving, and tolerant. A Christian in the best sense (she believed, but never forced her views on anyone). The keeper of my family history, teller of the stories I would never have heard without her. The anchor that gave me a sense of history, of permanence, and the comfort of knowing about my family's past.

Today, the world lost a wonderful woman. Today, I lost a part of my heart. Today, I am trying to celebrate the woman she was, rather than mourning my loss of her. But I am not having much luck, and while I am celebrating her life, I find I can't stop mourning her passing. Today, I realized she will never dance at my wedding, meet my children, or watch me graduate college.

I realized, with a certain amount of horror, that I don't have very many specific stories about my aunt. She has been a part of my life, but I have more of a general sense of comfort, love, strength, and humor, than I do a stock of anecdotes. I'm not sure how to feel about that, but I am holding that sense of her close, and remembering her.

"And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in."

--Jimmy Eat World

Rest in peace, Aunt Joan. You are loved, and missed, and will not be forgotten.

Off...

2010-05-18T15:29:00.002-04:00

I have recently discovered several facts about myself. To help make things coherent (and a little quicker, since I'm still not blogging from my computer), I have organized them into helpful bullet points.

Discovery 1. I have a very had time telling people no when a)I am asked to help on a project, whether it be at work or outside the office b) a friend or family member asks if I would like to hang out/go somewhere/do something/etc. no matter how busy I am or how much else is going on or c) volunteers are needed for something.

Discovery 2. I am very, very good at managing my time when I am outside the office, to the point where most of my weeknights, and all of my weekends are so segmented it feels a little bit like I'm back in school, what with all the switching off and the segmenting of days.

Discovery 3. It is supremely difficult for me to balance work, sleep, feeding myself and others, training, softball (i joined a sport, go figure), keeping my house from becoming a health hazard, and my hobbies.

Discovery 4. Failing to balance these things correctly results in me curled up in a ball in my shower sobbing because the laundry needs to get done, the house is a wreck, I am exhausted, and there hasn't been a day off in weeks.

And there, my friends, lies the problem. I have been trying to be everything to everyone and to do everything all the time for months now. That has resulted in me needing to be 'on' all the time. You know, having to be awake and motivated and productive and functioning and whatnot. There hasn't been a weekend, much less a week, where my schedule has not looked like I was on some sort of twisted media tour from hell. What little time I've spent at home has mostly been used for cleaning, catching up on laundry, and playing 'what's that smell?'.

I'm not sure quite why I feel compelled to let myself be this busy. I know what my limits are pretty well by now, and I know what happens when I push them. I think a large part of it is that I'm compensating for last summer, when I didn't go anywhere or do anything and was barely conscious for two months or so. I don't want to feel like a lump sitting on the couch for days on end. However, I don't want to end up feel exhausted and overwhelmed all the time, so I think it's time for a break.

Yup. I'm going to start standing up for myself. I'm committed to some things, like my 3-day training and softball (they needed another girl to play, and i am a sucker), but I don't need to book my weekends or my off nights quite so frantically. I need to make sure I have time to do things like nap, and read, and stare off into space, and weed my garden, and spin and knit and generally just relax. I'm not setting rules for what I will and won't do, and where I will and won't go, but I am going to make sure that I have at least a day to catch up on the housework and relax.

Even as insane as things have been lately, I've managed to finish two long-standing works in progress. They're both scarves, so I feel particularly accomplished. And now, I'm allowed to start my lace shawl for me. I also started a plain sock over the weekend. I'm going to be daring, and see if I can finish a whole pair of socks before the end of the year. Since I have six more months, and no other small projects that I can travel with, this just might work. I wouldn't recommend placing bets on it, though. Especially because I just dyed my first batch of roving this week, and I have another neglected craft I'd like to start working with. Now that there's light, and I have space in the house, I'd like to start doing some lace work. And, since I am nowhere near my camera, I'll have to leave you with a picture of the antique materials I inherited a while back.

In review:

--Less insanity, more relaxing, probably more blogging. Total win. All coming soon.
--I actually finished two projects, but they are both one-row scarves, so they're not very exciting.
--I actually hit the ball and made it to first base in our most recent softball game. I am impressed with myself, as that's been my only real goal, aside from not getting hit with the ball.
--I dyed some fiber, but it hasn't been washed or dried yet, so we'll see how it turned out later this week. It's mostly sort of pinkish.
--Someone asked for a link to donate to my 3-day fund, so I am including one here. http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2010/PhiladelphiaEvent2010?px=4909297&pg=personal&fr_id=1468

Why I'm Walking

2010-04-19T17:28:00.001-04:00

...because I've been trying to figure out some easy, effective fundraisers so I can participate in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure this autumn. I'm committed to walking 60 miles in 3 days, and to raising $2,300 for breast cancer research, and the question I keep coming back to in my head is, 'Why?' Why would I want to train for months, sleep in a tent, use port-a-potties exclusively for days, buy multiple pairs of walking shoes, spend my time soliciting money that most folks don't have to give, learn how to use a treadmill, or spend 3 days away from home, exercising?

The easy answer is my family. Three of my dad's five sisters have battled cancer and won (one of my aunts just beat cervical cancer a second time, and unfortunately another one just found a tumor in her brain). His mother wasn't so lucky. One of my cousins was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 25, and we just lost one of my mother's cousins to pancreatic cancer a little while ago. Cancer runs strong and vicious through my family, and I want very much to see a day when none of my amazing relatives will have to go through the diagnosis, treatment, and recovery process. We are a strong, resilient, goofy group of people, but enough is really enough already. I think we could use a break, and finding a cure for breast cancer is a key that could unlock a cure to other forms of cancer.

I'm also walking because the statistics scare me. One out of every 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. I know and love way more than 8 women, and it breaks my heart to think of any of them suffering and fighting through this disease. In the US, a woman will die from breast cancer every 13 minutes, and be diagnosed every 3 minutes. The biggest risk factors include getting older and being a woman--things which none of us can actually control. These are numbers, which don't always hit as close to home until you really think about them. In the time it takes me to write this blog, two women will have died from this disease. That's sobering as hell.

I'm doing this to honor all the people that gave me so much support and love while I was going through the Alien Spine Baby Saga. Because of all that love and support, I was able to bounce back from some pretty major surgery as quickly and well as possible. A big part of the credit for that goes out to my amazing surgeon, and to the hospital staff that took such good care of me. A bigger part, though, goes out to my family (my whole family, not just the blood relatives) who sent me get well cards and movies and toys and books and lovely knitted things, held my hand while I was crying, brought food when I couldn't cook, and surrounded me with so much love that I knew, no matter what, I was not alone. This walk, this gesture, is a way for me to help pay some of that wonderful positivity forward. It's a way for me to give some of the care and support that was given to me back out to the world.

So, that's what's worth it to me. Those things, but mostly those people, are worth doing something big and crazy and a little amazing for. They're worth sweating and training and raising money for. And if I can pull this off and walk in the 3-Day in five months, it will be something to be proud of.

Working BLog...

2010-04-07T16:40:00.000-04:00

Today's blog is brought to you by none other than my work computer, since the home computer is still very much out of commission. I'm going to try to track down my awesome install disk so I can go back to enjoying the wonder that is having your own computer at home.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying the wonder that is sunshine and warmth. This time three weeks ago, it was about 40* (which translates to about 4* for our Celsius-using friends) and we were wondering about more snow, while we were being rained on profusely. Currently, we're experiencing some serious warmth (87*/30*) and there isn't a cloud in the sky. This is the kind of day when everybody should have the day off, so they can bask in the sun on a nice rock like a newt.

The gorgeous weather has been great motivation to actually accomplish so many of the things I've been putting off. For instance, the bedroom is clean now (i even make the bed most mornings. i feel like a spokesperson for the bureau for adults acting like adults). There's nothing on the floor that doesn't belong there, and bag after bag of trash was taken out. That kind of cleaning requires a merciless mindset, and I had it. The rest of the house is looking pretty good, too. I still have some things that need a better home than the one they have, but the house is clean. The floors aren't sticky, there are no cat-sized dustbunnies, and you can actually sit on the couch because there's no clutter on it...Well, there's less clutter on it. A lot less!

I've been trying to get some time to play out in the garden, too. Now that there's light out when we get home, I've been trying to do gruntwork like breaking up sticks and turning the soil over, so that over the weekends, I can do the fun bits like planting things and shopping. Jim's mom gave me some plants for my birthday, so we have tomatoes and a couple of jalapeno peppers ready to go into the ground when the weather's a little more stable. The strawberries are starting to take off, and I'm looking forward to having some berries to show for them this year. We're also discussing adding some more flowers and pretty things, along with the useful ones. And who knows, I might give growing herbs another try.

I've been going to the gym at least twice a week faithfully, too. I'm starting to feel better already, in that I can walk up two sets of stairs before I get out of breath. It's good to feel like I'm making progress on that front, too. I saw a movie in the theater last weekend, and got to walk down the same hallway I did last July. This time, I walked tall and straight and laughed with my friends the whole way. I didn't even realize how big a change that was until we were out in the parking lot. It feels good to stop and think about how far I've come in such a short time, and to think about where I was and what was going on a year ago. I've come a long way, and that feels awesome. I lost so much of last summer to painkillers and just trying to heal (at best, i have very fuzzy memories of everything from june-late august), that it feels like I'm trying to make up for lost time.

My birthday this year was peaceful and fun. Jim and I watched a movie and ate pizza Friday night, then the family came over for dinner on Saturday. Momolla brought tacos and red beans and rice and Kate made a gorgeous cake. Kate and Patrick gave me some pretty roving, and Momolla and Dadumms enrolled me in a fiber bon-bon of the month club. I'll be getting cute little bundles of exotic fiber to play with every month for the next five months, which will be awesome. Jim gave me something shiny for my birthday--his great-grandmother's engagement ring. This is the fourth 'not an engagement ring' he's given me, and I very nearly hit him. We ended up having a good talk later that day and discussed things pretty calmly. Jim is either a) very confused about what he wants out of our relationship or b) particularly terrible at expressing himself. Apparently, when he said he didn't want to get married, he meant that he didn't want to get married now (what a difference a word makes, eh? i wish he had added that word the first time we talked about this). Things are better now, thankfully. Less tense and emotional.

Time is unfortunately up, so here is your review:

--Sun is good. Rain is less good, but we get much more of it.
--The house is clean. Like, really clean. It's amazing.
--Got some wool and some bling for the birthday. Good stuff.
--Bear with the crappy formatting, I had to type this in notepad, then copy and paste into blogger.
--Jim is taking me on a special date for my birthday. He won't say where we're going to dinner, though.
--Laptop still has computer disease. This makes me want to use a sad smiley. :(
--Smilies are usually pretty goofy.

Hiatus...

2010-03-22T15:57:00.002-04:00

Somewhere along the way, I lost a couple of months on the blog. I apologize for my unplanned, unannounced absence. I don't have much of a reason, except that when you spend your entire day on the internet, it can be kinda tough to make yourself hop right back on as soon as you get home. In order to catch everyone up on the amazing happenings in the World of Em, I have prepared some bullet points for you. Think of it as kind of a longer version of the review section at the end of entries.

--Snow. There was lots and lots of it. For ages. I was pretty sure it would never go away, and that the whole world would be covered in it forever.

--The snow melted, at long last. We've moved on to Pennsylvania's favorite spring-autumn weather pattern. Rain!

--That's all right though, because I have never had to shovel rain off my sidewalks.

--There have been just enough warm, sunny, beautiful days to prove that such things exist, in between the snow and the rain. We tried hard not to get used to them.

--This year, there will be a real garden at my house. Last year, I wasn't up to much maintenance or planting, but this year will be better.

--We already have strawberries planted, and a few that might have survived being weed-whacked last summer. We gave them up for dead and were pleasantly surprised to see some green on the stumps of the plants.

--There is no engagement ring in my near future. The whole 'go look at rings with my sister line' apparently was not an indication that there might be. In fact, Jim is actually not for marriage in general, or ours in specific (though, he wants us to live exactly as though we were married. just without the actual marriage process. no, i don't get it, either). Still not sure how I feel about this, or how this will impact us long-term.

--I turn 24 in a few weeks, not sure how I feel about that, either. Mostly, I'm pretty happy that I have made it another year.

--Are you guys familiar with the Susan G Komen Foundation 3 Day walk? I signed up as part of a team with some women I work with. We're pretty psyched, though I am secretly wondering what the hell I have gotten myself into.

--One of the things I have apparently gotten myself into is regular appointments at the gym. Also, buying a pair of athletic sneakers. Sneakers that are expensive when they're on sale, no less (i will be damned if i buy the hundred and thirty dollar shoes the nice man in the store told me all the walkers loved).

--One of the hazards of my job is that I keep wanting to use smilies whenever I type anything. And since I generally think smilies are kinda goofy, this drives me crazy.

--My computer picked up a malware program somehow, and then a particularly nasty virus as soon as I cleared that out. Jim is working on the virus, but I can't use my computer at home. I'm not sure how this happened, since I don't exactly open unknown email attachments or watch any internet porn.

--I have a nemesis at work. He's our new guy, and I think he has trouble respecting me because I am less than half his age. He's learning, though, and I'm learning the best ways to handle him. Having a nemesis makes for good work stories around the house.

--I am finally almost done with the red silk spinning. It has taken forever, because it turns out I'm not actually a fan of spinning silk. I changed my drafting technique, though, and that seems to be helping.

--I am also finally almost done with a number of warm, snuggly scarves. This is perfect timing for spring, no?

--Roxie sent me a hat. It is purple and has shiny bead dreadlocks on it and I love it.

--Eating healthy is all well and good, but fruit just isn't the same as potato chips with a sandwich.

--One piece of chocolate is also not as good as two, or many.

I am fast running out of time and things to say, so I will post this up now and humbly beg your forgiveness for neglecting you all. Here's hoping your weather is warmer and at least a little drier than ours is.

Work Blog...

2010-01-13T21:02:00.003-05:00

...is what's been keeping me busy of late. My boss was 'let go' about two weeks ago, and I'm still not entirely sure why. I was reassured, though, that it had nothing to do with me. While I was pleased to be told that it had nothing to do with my performance (which i didn't get. why would the fire him because i was bad at my job? wouldn't they just fire me, instead?) I feel bad for him. Nobody likes to be fired.

What this means for me is that I'm handling any leftovers from projects he was working on, and now I'm sort of in charge of our company blog. Our readership is pretty low, but we're building. And we'd gotten to the point where we would have at least two entries per week, and some pretty good content. The original plan was to put the blog on the back burner, but I sort of persuaded my new boss (one of the owners of the company, which is pretty weird) that we didn't want to lose our momentum. And, being an ass who never knows when she has enough work, I told him I'd be happy to provide content. If you're so inclined, you can head on over to blogDOTamericanmuscleDotcom (i'd provide a link, but then my whole department would be able to find the blog, and i'd be paranoid for all eternity) and see some of my finely crafted prose. Anything that's by AMStanger is me. It's been an adjustment, learning to write for the company blog, since the audience is so vastly different (largely men, who read at about the eighth-grade level). It's kep me busy, but I think it might have earned me some points, too.

What else have I been up to, you ask? Well, I've been battling a sinus infection for several days now (i broke down and saw my doctor yesterday, and i'm glad i did) and it was a losing battle for a while. However, I now have good drugs, and am on the mend. I've also been knitting busily away on some of the many, many scarves I have in progress. I promised myself that when everything I'm making for someone else is done, I can start a lace shawl for me. I'm leaning towards Adamas, but we'll see how that goes. There is still no spinning to report. Christmas took over my living room, and it's more trouble than it's worth to me to try to access my wheel and supplies right now. Soon, though, the clutter will be put away and I can spin again.

In other news, I went to the mall with a couple of lady friends over the weekend and got my finger sized. It's a size seven, which is a good thing, since that's the size most jewelry store sample rings are. And while we were there, I happened to try a few one. And since Colleen was with me, she took a few notes to pass along to Jim. I know he won't be looking for a ring with any seriousness for a while, but it was kind of nice (and very, very surreal) to see a bunch of pretty diamonds on my hand. Momolla thinks this is a strange way to go about things, and that we'll be married pretty soon (not likely). I think it was just a fun way to pass some time at the mall. And it means more to me that Jim is thinking about us getting married, because he doesn't normally think of the future the same way I do. It's nice to know he's thinking about us spending it together, though.

In review:

--If you Google search 'alien spine baby', this blog is the first thing that pops up. It's probably wrong, but I think that's incredibly cool.
--'Alien lung baby' still lists the blog on the front page.
--Sinus infections suck
--I'm writing for the company blog now, which is a very strange thing.
--I love Christmas, but can't wait to pack everything up this weekend.
--I have too much stuff. Time to donate!

Here's to 2009...

2010-01-04T20:30:00.004-05:00

...The Year That Could Have Been Worse. That's how I think of it in my head. Sure, '09 sucked it's share of unpleasant male anatamological parts, but it could have sucked more of them, and harder. And through all that sucking, I learned a lot.

For instance, I learned that you really do find out who your friends are when you need them. You find out right quick, in some cases. You'll discover who takes days off of work to come visit you while you recover, or who attends a fundraiser to help you get back on your feet.

I learned that there are more people than I ever imagined that care about me. That's an incredible, and an incredibly humbling, feeling. Just when I thought I was the most alone, the most isolated, I discovered that I had a huge extended family to lean on. My family spans continents, and the globe, and it's full of people that I'm proud and honored to be loved by. This blog, and you, my darling readers, gave me more support and love and strength and hope than I ever imagined possible.

'09 taught me that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for, by far, and that no matter what, I am never broken. My mate lost his job, I had major health issues, lost three months of income, and still made it through in tolerably good mental shape. In fact, I'm happier and more comfortable with myself than I have been in years. I have overcome major obstacles, and I managed to do it without spending too much time as a soggy, weepy mess.

In 2009, I learned to let go of the things I can't control, and to accept that sometimes, I can't control everything, even by sheer force of will. '09 also taught me the power of karma. If you put good out into the world, it will come back to you, whether you feel you deserve it or not.

2009 taught me about commitment. Through the entire Alien Spine Baby Saga, Jim went to every doctor's appointment, every test, and every procedure with me. He held my hand through everything, and was as strong and steady and hopeful as it's possible for someone to be. When times got tough, Jim got tougher, and taught those tough times that they didn't know the meaning of tough.

This past year was an eventful one. It had its good moments, and its dark ones. There have been worse years, and better ones. But if I had to pick one word out to describe 2009, it would be: love. Love may not conquer all, and it may not make heroes out of cowards. But it will grant courage to a failing heart, compassion to a friend in pain, and hope to a despairing family. So, since I'm not going to make resolutions this year (i have my 101 to work on still, and that's keeping me plenty busy), I'm going to pick a theme for 2010, and it is love. Plain and simple and beautiful. So, happy 2010, blogfamily. I love you all.

In review:

--2009 was crazy. Straight up crazy.
--I'm not at all sorry to see it go. Not even a little.
--Reading my blogs from earlier this year is depressing.
--2010=love
--Love is wonderful, but it would be okay with me if 2010 also equalled increased personal fortune. Just sayin'
--I have a girl date this weekend. We're going to the mall. Where there are jewelry stores...

The Best Ever!

2009-12-27T12:45:00.003-05:00

There's a running joke in my family that each Christmas is The Best One Ever, because each holiday is filled with love and laughter and warmth and goodness. This year was no exception. Christmas Eve, Jim and I woke up late, packed the bounty of presents we would be distributing into the car, and headed to my parents' place. We got into town and discovered that Jersey ended up with far more snow than we did for once, and we were pleased to have that be the case. Once we made it safely to my parent's place, the good times commenced. There was food to be eaten, punch to be drunk, a tree to be decorated, and presents to be wrapped. It was a lovely evening, and Jim and I spent the night next to the Christmas tree again.

Since it has been brought to my attention that my family finds my childlike wonder and glee a bit excessive on Christmas morning, I elected to read for a bit once I woke up and spare them the usual antics. Nobody noticed, naturally, nor was particularly thankful for my forbearance. Kate and her man wandered over early (7:30, which is about our usual time, i think) for breakfast and presents, and we had a lovely time discovering how good we were to each other. I ended up with a brulee torch (i have wanted one for years, i feel every home renter should have one), some gorgeous laceweight that will be a shawl for me, and a shopping spree from Jim, among other things. Jim was gifted with two bottles of his favorite vodka from various housemates, a fancy keyboard, and an Xbox controller. He's decided he wants an antique rifle, but because of the weather last weekend, I wasn't able to get it for him before Christmas. Still, better late than never, no?

After a lovely brunch, we headed back home for the next round of presents with Jim's family, and to start dinner. Once again, we were spoiled lavishly, and returned the favor in kind. Kate and Patrick came up for a dinner of ham, mashed potatoes, and various vegetables. The company was wonderful, and the food was pretty tasty. The best part, though, was that Jim's mom did the dishes! After dinner, we all sat around keeping each other company, and Patrick and I played a round of Left 4 Dead 2, our current household obsession.

The rest of the weekend has been peaceful and quiet, and thanks to the rain yesterday, most of the snow is gone. Jim took me out for the first round of my shopping spree, and our first stop was wonderful. Since I spent so much time in a work uniform before this job, and so little in presentable clothing otherwise, I asked for clothes for Christmas. Jim gave me a gift card and free reign. We stopped at Ross and picked up about eight different shirts (only two or three of which are black. i'm trying to add some color to my wardrobe. it's sort of working) and a gorgeous cranberry-colored blazer (it makes my waist look tiny and my bust look enormous. i am in love) and then headed for the mall. That, dear friends, was a mistake. We sat in traffic for about forty five minutes after what is normally maybe a fifteen minute ride. We finally made it to the mall, and it was crowded. We dared to try a jewelry store so I could get my finger sized. No such luck. They weren't very busy, but they were definitely trying hard to ignore us. This was the case in very nearly every store we went to, sadly. I came away from the mall with nothing but a new bra, since I need one without an underwire. Still, I have a good chunk of money left on my card, and we can shop some other weekend, when things are less frantic.

Today, I'm relaxing and knitting one of the scarves I've promised to various people. I'm also going to find myself a gorgeous lace pattern to make a shawl out of. Since there's no time limit, and I've managed a basic piece of lace, I'm feeling adventurous. We'll see how this works out.

I hope everybody's holiday was full of warmth and love and laughter and wonderful people and good food. If it wasn't, you can feel free to come spend the holiday with us next year, we'd be happy to show you a good time.

In review:

--Christmas rocked! Hope yours did, too
--I am never going to a mall on December 26th again. Ever.
--Lace knitting is on the horizon. Once I get through these plain scarves, anyway.
--There's too much stuff in my house for me to spin right now. That makes me all kinds of sad.
--Four-day weekends fly by like you wouldn't believe.
--Comment moderation has been turned on because some of my posts are getting spammed. Sorry, guys.
--Jim told his sister it was okay to take me ring shopping. I'm trying not to make too big a deal out of this. Probably not succeeding, though.

Almost Ready...

2009-12-20T23:19:00.002-05:00

...for Christmas, of course! The house is decorated, the tree is standing proud (and tall, much to colleen's dismay) and is covered in lights and ornaments, and at long last, almost all of the shopping is done. We got some snow this weekend, and were only just able to get out to shop for a few hours today.

I'm not sure what our final snowfall totals were, but I'm inclined to call it 'enough' (it's drifted in a lot of places, but it comes up to just about my knees). Jim and I went out to grab some groceries yesterday and check road conditions, and things were gross. We decided to cancel all of our plans and stay inside. Dadumms and I had planned on doing some shopping together today, but things were still pretty messy when I woke up, and I decided it would be better to try to get some of my shopping done locally than to risk heading down to Jersey. I missed shopping with Dadumms this year, we go every year we're able to shop together. It's a lot of fun, unless we've both got the flu and are pumped full of cold medicines.

We've only got a three day week coming up, because Jim and I both took Christmas Eve off. It was a delight to me to just be able to submit a request and have it approved without threats, drama, or other types of insanity. I could get used to this.

Jim and I are heading down to my parents' place Christmas Eve, then back up here Christmas Day, where we'll host dinner with his parents. Kate and Patrick might come up, if they're feeling like making the drive. I invited Momolla and Dadumms, too, (and el, naturally) though they don't like to travel on Christmas. Momolla's response was that they would come up when I had small children. Hopefully, she realizes that there will be no children here for years yet. I'm finally starting to get my life back into some semblance of order, and I'm not prepared to start a family until I've finished school and made a few other changes.

Our company let Jim and me spearhead our annual Toys for Tots drive, since our landlady is involved with the organization, and we wanted to contribute this year. Last year, we were all incredibly broke, and we bought as many toys at the dollar store as we could. I sacrificed some of my already tight decorating budget for it, but we were determined to bring some toys with us. This year, we were able to pick up several toys of our own to donate, and our co-workers helped us fill the back of my Jeep. Our goal is to raise two truck loads next year. We are nothing if not ambitious.

It felt really, truly wonderful to be able to give to charities and to help people who needed it. This has been an undeniably tough year all around, but I am finally in a position to help. I'm not rich, but I'm also not forced to choose between food and fuel for my truck any more. There have been so many times, especially this past year, when people have stepped forward to offer me support and assistance. It was fantastic to know that I was able to do the same, albeit rather more anonymously. There are still things I want but can't afford, but those are all luxuries. I have enough, more than enough, to survive comfortably, but there are so many people out there who don't. We also donated to a huge local food drive put on by our favorite radio station every year. They raised over 150 tons of food. I can't wrap my mind around that number, it's so high. This food drive is one of the primary sources of supplies for the food bank they support, and the donations are put to use year-round. Because of the economic upheaval the country's gone through, demand is even higher than ever. Amazingly enough, so were donations. Just when you think there would be less donations, less support, less resources, people dig even deeper and surprise you.

Some people tell me Christmas is for kids. They see how excited I get by the lights and by the magic. Maybe that's the part we lose as we get older, the magic. But to me, it's always there, every year. Because for a span of a few all too brief weeks, people are willing to come together to help one another. We believe that one day, there will be peace on earth. We give because it's right, not because it's easy or makes us look good (though there really is no wrong reason to give). People see the potential for kindness and compassion that we have, and they go out of their way to realize it. We concentrate on the people we love, even the ones who drive us batshit crazy, and we are softer to them (unless they are eating all our cookie dough or refusing to let us get a big christmas tree) , and to ourselves. There's magic in getting a present, in realizing somebody loves you enough to give you something. There's even more magic in giving something to the people you love. There is magic in being surrounded by family (and we all know that two people can be a family, and that family of the heart is as valid as family of the blood) and friends. There's so much magic in sharing warmth and laughter and comfort. The beauty fades and the magic wears off so quickly, we have to savor it while it lasts.

I have been absent from the blog much more than I like recently, because after I spend my entire day on teh interwebs putting out fires, I pretty much come home and goof off, then go to bed. I still love my job, but it's becoming apparent to me that my company is not as strong on the planning front as I would like. We recently started a promotion in conjunction with two of the forums we work with to offer a $12 gift card for $10. It's a pretty good deal, and we had good, strong sales on these cards (one guy bought 110 of them. i hate him). We also offered 'random' car parts and gift card upgrades. What we forgot to do was find a let people buy a $12 card for $10. Our computer generated about 370 $10 cards, which we sent out to customers. Once we caught the error, early last week, we spent the whole week running around trying to fix things. It's been a long, exhuasting, irritating process, and the whole sorry mess could have been avoided if any of us had stopped to think. A whole lot of people looked at this promotion before it went live, and none of us questioned how we'd make ten equal twelve. but for all that, I still have the best job ever.

In review:

--Tree? Check!
--Lights? Check!
--Tchockes? Double check!
--10 does not equal 12. Assuming it will if you just tell people it does will not make it so.
--We were able to donate to a food drive, and to Toys for Tots. It feels great to give back.
--Spinning? What spinning?
--Snow is really pretty, until you have to dig your car out and shovel your walk. Then the novelty wears off really fast.
--Holy crap, it's going to be 2010 soon. Shouldn't we have flying cars and food replicators by now?

December 5 Word Blog

2009-12-08T13:02:00.001-05:00

Tonight, we're getting a tree!

Where Did November Go?

2009-11-30T22:21:00.002-05:00

I don't seem to remember much of it, but I know it must have happened, because tomorrow is December. Let me see if I can recall a few details. If not, I'll distract you with some pretty pictures, like this one of the scarlet silk I've been spinning. I'm not quite halfway done, because it's slow going. I've discovered that your hands have to be in really good shape to spin silk hankies, or this silk catches on the rough patches on your skin and doesn't spin well.

The new job is going really well, so far as I can tell. We've been running a promotion on one of our forums for most of the month that turned out to be a lot of work for me, but it's been a good experience overall. I'm starting to settle into my job and get the hang of what needs to be done and how best to respond to questions, comments, and gripes on forums. Since I'm representing the company on several fairly large public forums, I have to be casual, yet classy and grammatically correct. It can be a difficult line to walk, but I'm learning. I probably still err towards the formal rather than the casual in my public writing, but that's only when you compare my writing to what a lot of people put up on message boards.

Thanksgiving was especially lovely this year, because I spent it with family, and because it resonated with me. There are so many things I'm thankful for. I try to remember them and remind myself on a regular basis, but it's nice to have a holiday where I can really focus on being thankful for the amazing people, circumstances, and things in my life. Here's hoping I have this much to be grateful for next year. (the three spinning wheels gathered for thanksgiving. momolla, kate, and i all spun together, after dadums adjusted my wheel)

Christmas is right around the corner, and I'm starting to be excited. This weekend, Colleen and I are decorating. This year, I'm putting lights up outside the house, as well as inside. And we're hoping that perhaps the world's ugliest coffee table will be gone. If it isn't, we'll just go with last year's plan and cover it with wrapping paper. We're planning on hosting Christmas dinner up here again this year, and I'm hoping to have as good a time as last year, but with better food. My parents have already bought me a ham for Christmas, and I'm planning on doing some actual baking this year. This is one of my most favorite times of the year, and I'm hoping to make a little magic for my loved ones. This is the handspun I'm most proud of, because it's turned out to be beautiful. I look at it and feel smug, which is probably wrong for a lot of reasons, but the yarn is smooth and the colors are gorgeous and my friend Laura will love this (i won't tell her it will break my hear to part with it).

And hopefully this scarf will make somebody happy come Christmas. It's the first handspun scarf I mentioned forever ago, and I've finally gotten a picture of it. From a distance, it's striped. But if you get right up close and look at it, you can see all the layers of color that it's made up of. It's soft and colorful and drapey and hopefully will be well-loved.

In review:
--November? Where? I haven't seen November! We must have skipped right over it!
--Time flies when you're working overtime and battling a series of minor colds
--Knitting is nice, but finishing things now and again is even nicer
--Things I am thankful for, the short version: health, loved ones, chocolate, books
--The camera that died in August couldn't be fixed, so Jim goaded me into upgrading, and this one is wonderful... So far...

I'm Still Here...

2009-11-09T22:52:00.002-05:00

...I just gave myself a bit of a break after Blogtoberfest. Regular blogging will now resume. Well, as regular as it ever gets 'round these parts, anyway.

There will not be a lot of status blogs this week, because the rest of my week will be a lot like today. Let me preface this by saying that I started the shinier, newer job full time last week. And my boss was out of town at a major industry event. So there wasn't much for me to do. At all. Like, even less than usual. So I did what I could, then tried to study what I could and pick up as much various assorted information on Mustangs as I was able to. Last week was a good week, though it feels like I didn't actually accomplish anything. This week? Well, this is an ambitious week. This week, we are giving away free t-shirts on one of our forums. I am in charge of giving everybody who pm's me a unique, one-time-use coupon code to make a special t-shirt free.

Now let me just say that I have noted many things about the many forums I am charged with monitoring and tending. One of those things is not the number of active members. So when I was told about this venture Friday night, I did not think too much of it. How hard could it possibly be? Even when one of my co-workers, who helped generate the coupon codes, told me that there were fifty thousand, yes 50, 000 coupon codes and they hoped that would be enough, I was not worried. Surely there wouldn't be that much interest. Surely we wouldn't need that many codes. And besides, they would trickle in a few at a time and I could handle them as I went.

Ha. This is a forum that has over 100, 000 active members. Well over that number. The t-shirt giveaway was announced(at about 1 pm) and within an hour I had a hundred messages to respond to. By the end of the day, I had six hundred and fifty. I only managed to get about one hundred and fifty of those requests filled, and all of those came in during the day, many during regular office hours (which begs the question, don't any of these people have jobs?) and as more people log on and send me messages, there will be more. I'm really sort of dreading opening my e-mail at work tomorrow. I'm still sort of bemused by the magnitude of the response we've received. Though to be honest, it's not so bad. Sure, it's busywork, but it's helpful, and it is my job. And at least it's solid and quantifiable and will make me look good. We'll see if I'm still this positive about it by Friday, eh?

In other news, there has been spinning. Oh, there has been spinning. And some knitting, too. Very soon I will have proudly completed two whole pairs of socks. And a day of reckoning is coming for the socks that will not be named. Oh, it is coming. But let's not think of that. Let's think of the beautiful llamney I spun, that's all thick and warm and soft and maybe a little enthusiastically plied. It will be something for me, I think. Unless somebody falls in love with it, but they would have to offer me a compelling bribe to take it away from me. And then there's the merino that I spun and plied and washed and whacked. It's so pretty that I look at it and can't help but indulge in a little pride. There's purple and blue and the smallest bit of green in it. This has somehow turned out to be a light, slim yarn, probably a fingering weight (i should really find a ruler so i can determine these things). And I have started spinning the scarlet silk. It's not something I can do when I've just been washing dishes, the rough spots on my fingers stick too much, or right after I've put lotion on, which makes drafting practically impossible. But it is something that I can sit down and do for a while after work or before bed. This silk is spinning so prettily that I look at it and just want to giggle a little for the sheer joy of it. Having said that, the whole rest of the batch is going to be a ruin. Ah, well. Sometimes all you can do is tempt fate.

Momolla and Dadumms came up for dinner yesterday to celebrate Jim's birthday. Jim's parents were supposed to come, too, but there were some difficulties and they couldn't make it. So we had a lovely beef stew dinner. I prefer chicken soup, but Jim requested the stew, and I sort of winged it. It turned out pretty well, I used a couple of bottles of beer to cook the beef in and that gave it a nice flavor. It also gave me a good starting point for the broth.

In review:
--It's going to be a long, busy week at work.
--By Friday, I will never again want to hear the words 'free t-shirt'
--My parents came up for a visit, it was great to see them
--I have finished two skeins of yarn, started a third batch, and done some knitting
--Very soon, I will officially have knitted two full pairs of socks. No, really. Honest!
--I have been roped into knitting another ugly camo scarf, because I have a soft spot for people who admire my handiwork

Blogtoberfest Wrap-up...

2009-11-01T01:21:00.002-04:00

...it's been a fun month, all things considered. I skipped a couple of days, I think, but I managed to post much, much more frequently than usual. That's a habit I'd like to keep, especially now that I have a regular schedule and have been doing things I can actually discuss without sounding angry and bitter all the time. There have been guest blogs (which might happen more than once a year, if i can coerce anybody else into doing my work for me) and a style update. The best part, though, has been keeping up with you guys every day. I won't lie, I do check my blog list every day. I may not comment all the time, but I read every entry because I love the windows they give me into so many different lives. In the end, knitting and spinning are hobbies to me. They're wonderful, and I enjoy them a lot. But stories and words are my real passion, and I love getting lost in someone else's words for a little while. I love being able to share my words, too, and to write my own story in my own voice. It's my hope that you enjoy reading these stories. Someone once told me (way back in the days when myspace was cool and i actually maintained a blog there) that I was one of the most genuine people she knew. I'd say that was always my intent, but it never crossed my mind to be other than I am, or to pretend about my life. Things are not always perfect, and mine has been a particularly twisting journey. But it's always been a real journey, without any sugar-coating or any beautifying. That is one thing I hope will never change.

Today was Halloween, and we ended up having about eight trick-or-treaters. Since we still have a huge bowl of candy, this doesn't make me too sad, but I was hoping for more. Still, I think we'll have a reputation next year, and maybe we'll see some more kids. Halloween used to be one of my very favorite hoidays. When we were younger, my family would head to my Aunt Joan's house, meet up with my Aunt Elsie and maybe one of my cousins, and go wander the neighborhood for a few hours. We always came home to an amazing lasagne dinner, and then the candy swap began. We would always trade away the candy we didn't like, and try to get as much good stuff as possible. I thought that we weren't doing it this year, since my Aunt Joan hasn't hosted Halloween dinner in a few years, but apparently my mom's brother and sister-in-law ended up hosting. I didn't find this out until it was actually going on and I was told I was missed, so I contented myself with killing zombies with Colleen for a few hours. We're very much looking forward to the sequel to our zombie-killing game, which comes out in a few weeks.

In review:
--We had more trick-or-treaters than last year, but still not a lot
--Lots of leftover candy for me!
--I miss being a part of the family Halloween celebrations
--Blogtoberfest was pretty awesome!
--Daylight savings time does something weird tonight, so I get an extra hour to sleep. It'll be days before I'm adjusted to the way the light shifts now.

Fridays are Fun...

2009-10-31T00:27:00.002-04:00

...because weekends are amazing. Thanks for receiving the guest blogs so well. It's such a strange feeling to write for someone else's blog, almost like you're speaking your words with their voice. It's fun, though!

Jim's mother has finally come for a visit, just when we were planning to spend the weekend relaxing. And Dadumms has decided to have a small party for Momolla's birthday this weekend, as well. I'm not at all looking forward to the drive, Jim and I will have to go through Philadelphia, and the President is coming to the city this weekend, so several major highways will be shut down for a while. On top of that, there is a local football game on Sunday. Also, the local baseball team is playing at home in the World Series that day. Also also, there are going to be five or six various charitable events going on throughout the day and causing well-meant chaos. What this all translates into (other than a tedious lack of non-sports related conversation in the news and workplace) is a massive, scary amount of traffic. There are only a few ways in, out, or through the city, which makes traveling difficult. We're looking into different ways to get to Jersey from here. Cross your fingers for us, eh?

In other news, I start my shiny new job on Monday. I'm a little nervous, because my boss is going to a big industry even on Monday, and won't be back for the rest of the week. So, things will be interesting. Still, it will be blissfully quiet without a dozen phone lines ringing in my ears all day. I'll keep you guys posted as things progress.

Halloween is tomorrow, and I'm sort of looking forward to it. Unlike so many of my friends, I'm not going out to party (when did every holiday become an excuse to go out and get really stupidly drunk?), because I'm going to stay home and give candy out to the trick-or-treaters. I like to think of it as karma, since I spent so many happy years going out to get free sugar from the neighbors. Jim was determined that we would be the cool house that gives out full-sized candy bars this year, in a blatant attempt to lure more kids in. We're the only house on our block, really, so we never see more than a handful of kids come through (this makes perfect sense, really, because you want to cover as much ground as efficiently as possible in the time you're allowed). This makes me a little sad, because I love watching the kids troop by in their costumes. Halloween was one of my very favorite holidays for a very long time, and it makes me happy to see kids enjoying it now.

In review:
--Jim's mom finally made it up. Yay!
--I will probably spend most of Sunday sitting in gridlocked traffic. Boo! Hiss!
--I am incredibly tired of hearing about baseball. I could not care less about it under any circumstances, and at this point, I wouldn't start caring if all the players stripped naked and dipped themselves in cheese.
--We're the cool house with the good candy this year. Maybe we'll get real trick-or-treaters
--I burned myself twice tonight cooking dinner, which is pretty unusual and sucky for me.
--Weekend!!!

Guest Blog Number 2

2009-10-29T20:13:00.002-04:00

Well that saves me the trouble of thinking of a nifty title. This is Jim, oft mentioned in Em's blog, and just as often made too much of. I've come to guest blog, and I have no clear cut objective to blog about. In addition to that I'm on a time limit of approximately 30 minutes as Em is making porkchops for dinner tonight and doesn't want me to be late for dinner.

The L key on my backlit keyboard no longer works 60 percent of the time. This annoys me to no end. I haven't upgraded my computer for about 2 years now, and thankfully i haven't had to. I'm one of those guys that when something breaks on his computer or car or really anywhere, he uses it as an excuse to upgrade said part.

F-bomb, i need to listen to my music more often, i love metal music! Can you drop F-bombs on blogs? i guess so but im censoring myself just in case.

I'm listening to Lamb of God right now. They're a death metal band that has an especially heavy/grungy/brutal sound, and that suits me just fine, check them out if you like, but be warned that they're not for the faint of heart. For the other end of the spectrum of my main music tastes, check out the band called Red. They're more of a regular rock band. My tastes for music run in this vein: if its not death metal, then it is speed metal with very intricate guitar playing at high speeds or hard rock like Metallica, or some other form of music that involves drums and electric guitars with heavy distortion. Kind of a contrast to Em, who prefers more melodic music for the most part, and light rock.

Emily got me new leaf springs for my Jeep Cherokee for my birthday, which pretty much just kicks ass! They're exactly what i wanted for my birthday (truck parts!) and will make the ride of the truck much more solid and less spongey on and off the road. I figure my dad and i will put them on in a few weeks when i'm sure i have all of the hardware that is needed to do the install. It's an involved process that you don't want to be stuck on halfway through. The springs are special in that they keep the truck lifted without using blocks between the stock leaf springs and the axles, which results in axle wrap and instability off road. I always joke that i like my vehicles the opposite of how i like my women: i like my vehicles to be big, brutal, ugly beasts, and they don't need to be real fast either. I lucked out because Em is directly opposite that: small, awesome, purdy, and smart as anything!

Speaking of my truck, work is going well for both of us. I'm sure that Emily has blogged about her new job, and I'm glad she is going to like it so much more than Pep Boys. That place was hell for both of us; nothing like being the main target for abuse day in and day out. I'm still waiting for that elusive job posting for a promotion that i can apply for, but i think something will come up soon. At least i hope so, i could use the extra money to pay off my credit card debt. I'm hoping to get some sort of promotion in relation to our sister site, americantrucks. This would be good as the trucks are more what i'm in to as opposed to the mustangs. I'm working on as many side projects as i can for americantrucks, trying to get it off the ground and into the aftermarket mainstream so that it really takes off. If this happens, i stand a better chance of promotion and more money.

We're going to get Left 4 Dead 2 in mid November! Our roommate Mike preordered it, and the whole house abused the original Left 4 Dead, so it will definitely kick some asses. We're all psyched for it! I sense a zombie killing party happening in Nov or Dec at some point. And maybe another Magic the Gathering party as well? That would be legit.

So the Phillies are in the World Series. Big whoop, i don't follow baseball. Football and Hockey on the other hand are two of my favorite sports. Em humors me and knits while i watch football some sundays, but she doesn't want anything to do with hockey. This puzzles me because hockey is so much more fast paced. Oh well, she's awesome even without liking sports or anything competitive.

What else can i throw up on here? If you couldnt tell i'm just letting my mind spew out whatever comes up onto the blog. Yup, no insights or epiphanies here, just good old mental vomit through my fingertips. Subtle and dainty? Nope, not my style.

I'm gonna shut this one down with a hearty "Thank You!" to all of Em's blog friends. You all seem like great people who i am very happy that she's gotten the chance to meet. You guys make her smile, and not a day goes by that she doesn't check your blogs. Add to that the fact that you're going to read this blog and tolerate my everyday shotgun style of thought processes, and that makes you freakin awesome.

P.S: Em and Mrs. Wood, i dedicate all the errors in grammar and non-capitalized i's to you both! :D

Guest Post 1...

2009-10-28T23:08:00.002-04:00

... brought to you today by none other than Momolla! You can find her at her blog here, where she has also been participating in Blogtoberfest.

So, what to say about my children? Of course they are the most beautiful, smart, funny young women on the face of this or any other planet. They are also ruthless. Don’t, I repeat DON’T make the mistake of becoming a zombie around them. They will double tap you in the head without a scintilla of remorse. I know this for a fact. They remind me frequently.

They are my Wood Women, much to their father’s chagrin. Pk and I were separated for two years when the girls were little. We were driving along and they were bemoaning the fact that we were “alone” and what would we do? I pulled the car over to the side of the road and said “We are Wood Women! We are strong, and we can do anything!” I held my fist in the air and they giggled. But it stuck. Now, when courage or strength are failing, all I have to do is say “remember, you are a Wood Woman” and they can find the last bit of umph. I am inordinately proud of them.

They are warm hearted and kind (along with the ruthless thing). They would give the shirt off their backs to someone in need. They have reached out over the years to extend a helping hand to folks in need.

Our definition of “family” is kinda loose. We have adopted many people who needed a safe haven over the years. Em reminds me of when I used to buy certain fruits that her friend Rachel liked because Rachel spent so much time at our house. It’s very different from the way I was raised. As the girls dated young men, we became attached and mourned their loss when the relationship ended. (I still miss Gio and Tony). They have entered into relationships that are enriching our family in more ways that I can count. Em’s significant other is such a good guy. He has a wicked sense of humor and seems to fit right in to the weird stew that is our family. Kate is in a young relationship and we’ll see but her young man is also a good one. El is unattached but I know one day she’ll find someone who appreciates her for her unique perspective on the world.

So, there is a snippet of the miracles that are my girls. Sometimes I have felt sorry for Pk because he is trapped in an estrogen filled world. He seems to handle it ok.

All things considered, I’m a lucky woman.

Awkward Conversations...

2009-10-27T22:16:00.002-04:00

...sadly, they're a fact of life. And, as the department stores are already reminding me, The Holidays are coming up. What this means is that, between the work parties, the gatherings with family, and encounters with random strangers, your awkward conversation quotient will soon be steadily rising. So I thought I'd lend everyone a hand and list a couple of classy, appropriate ways to end an awkward conversation gracefully. That didn't work out so well, so instead, I'm posting a list of crude, rude, ridiculous ways to end a conversation. Feel free to try these out, but only at your own risk.

--Talk about turtles (you can insert any noun you are sufficiently interested in here), make everything the other person says, no matter how non-turtle-related, about turtles. Refuse to acknowledge any subject changes.
--Mention your testicles. This is especially effective if you're a woman.
--When asked about your relatives, even those standing in the room with you, say they are dead. Alternatively, you could say they are in prison/witness protection/have robbed a bank.
--Say you've converted to a religion. Make it up as you go, but make sure it's as crazed as possible. You can only eat green-colored foods on days that have less than three syllables, or you now worship pet rocks. The more bizarre, the better.
--Walk around carrying a ball of yarn, and refer to it as a bunny. Ask people to pet the bunny at every opportunity.
--Whenever an opinion is expressed, either agree sycophantically, or disagree as though the matter were so important, the fate of the world hangs in the balance.
--Make every reply into a question, especially in response to questions.
--Respond to every question as though it were an off-color joke or euphemism, and waggle your eyebrows knowingly. Alternatively, simply say, 'that's what he/she said!' every time someone says anything at all.
--Tell off-color jokes. Tell them poorly, and skip the euphemisms.
--Discuss the trials of personal hygiene, and mention that you've given up on it entirely.
--Constantly stare off into space over the other person's shoulder. Refuse to make eye contact, and try to look concerned. When asked what you are looking at, act as though the other person is crazy.
--Tell everyone that you're not normally like this, but the punch has gone to your head. This works only when you're having a soft drink (especially from a can), or the punch is non-alcoholic.
--Discuss the time you spent in prison, and how 'stalker' is such a mean, unfair word. Follow this up with a series of personal, inappropriate questions.
--Reminisce about the time you were kidnapped for four days by a band of roving ninjas, but singlehandedly fought them off, only to have to join forces with some pirate vampires to defeat a legion of aliens bent on destroying the world's supply of cheese.
--Any time you are asked a personal question, no matter what it's about, say 'well, I woke up one morning on a beach in Mexico hugging an inflatable sheep. It must have been the tequila, but I don't like to talk about it'.
--Ask a question, appear to listen intently, and then ask the same question again as soon as the person you're talking to has answered. See how many times you can get away with this.
--Have the person you are talking to come outside with you to check your vehicle for homing devices planted by the government. Say you had a local garage check, but that you think they're in on the conspiracy. (i swear, two different customers asked us to check their vehicles for illegal tracking devices).

And there you have it. When faced with awkwardness, the best solution is to add even more awkwardness!

Beef Stew...

2009-10-26T23:49:00.002-04:00

...does anybody have a particularly good recipe? I'm going to make it for Jim and Coll's birthday dinner, but I've never done anything other than wing it. I figure, if I'm going to be serving it to people, I ought to make sure it's decent.

In other news, I spun like a fiend tonight. The silk wasn't working with me very well, and I need some more patience and time before I start to work with it. So, I started working with the llamney. Gosh, it spins up quick! In half an hour of spinning, I had half a bobbin filled. I'm looking forward to finishing this and plying it, it will be so warm and fuzzy. It should only be a few more days before it's finished. It's nice to not be incredibly slow at something.

Sadly, that's all I have for you today. It was a busy, but uneventful day.

In review:
--Got a good beef stew recipe? I could use one
--I bought some sweet knee-high boots yesterday. They were on sale, it was totally necessary
--Tonight was speed spinning, it was pretty impressive

How's This?

2009-10-25T11:33:00.003-04:00

... much as I like the Courier font, I like you guys to be able to read the blog without squinting or doing that thing where you highlight all the text and read it that way. I switched up the background and font colors, too, because as Bells pointed out, light text on a dark background can be difficult on the eyes. Hopefully, this made it easier on y'all's eyes. Let me know what you think, eh?

You know those days over the weekend where you want so very much to sleep in, but your body is pretty much programmed to wake up at a certain time, so even though you stayed up insanely late the previous night, you still wake up like you're going to work (even though on the weekdays, it's a battle to wake up with the alarm)? Don't you just hate those? Yeah, me too.

The church across the street still has a functioning bell. They only ring it on Sundays when a mass lets out. It's such a beautiful, deep, resonant sound. Makes me think of all the books that mention churchbells tolling across an entire city, and how amazing that must be. Also, of the University clock in Ankh-Morpork that tolls silences instead of sound (terry pratchett is amazing. if you've never read one of his discworld books, you are missing out on something wonderful).

Today is going to be lovely and peaceful. The boys are all sleeping downstairs still. I think Jim mentioned going out to breakfast somewhere, which is okay by me. In fact, I might stay home and luxuriate in having the house to myself for a while. The quiet will be delicous. I know they'll head home later in the afternoon (what, doesn't everyone have parties that span whole days?), and I can clean up whatever wreckage is left behind and relax for a while. There's nothing pressing to do today, and nowhere I have to be. It's a beautiful feeling. I'll probably make some kind of soup for dinner, because it's a cool, blustery day. At least the sun is out, though!

In review:
--How does the newer and improveder font/color scheme work? Any easier to read?
--Churchbells are pretty nifty
--Yarn is going to be skeined and washed and thwacked (my favorite part) today
--The breadmaker will probably be pressed into service again. Mmmm!
--There are a few large, sleeping young men scattered over my living room floor

Renovations...

2009-10-25T03:15:00.002-04:00

... here on the blog, that is. What do you guys think of the new-ish design? It's not very daring or different from the old settings, but I think I like this. I'm a little undecided on the font, though. I'm fond of Courier, but I can't help but think it can be a little difficult to read sometimes.

This was a good day, all things considered. Jim's mom wasn't able to make it up this weekend, but his dudes came up to hang out. It's 3 am an they're down there going strong. Me, I needed to hit the bed. I know this is technically Sunday, but it still feels like Saturday until I finally go to bed and eventually wake up. Weekends are a beautiful thing, and I can't tell you how much I cherish getting two whole days off in a row to sleep in and relax.

I stayed up this late because I was caught up in a spinning marathon. I finally finished and plied the blue merino I've been working on, and it will get skeined, washed, and thwacked tomorrow. It's going to be a scarf for Laura, and I can't wait to see how it knits up. Now that the merino is off the wheel, I can play with some of the llamney (llama and romney blended together) Momolla gave me, or the scarlet silk that I have. The llamney is soft and pretty, but somehow, the silk is calling to me. I'll let you know how my first foray into spinning silk goes, it's sure to be an adventure, with how steep my learning curve is. Jim's dudes are fascinated by the wheel for some reason, and one in particular asked dozens of questions. It's kind of difficult to break down the technical aspects of how spinning works, why you ply your singles, and what the washing and thwacking does for your yarn for someone who's not at all into fiber. Still, it's worth explaining, even if only so people don't look at you quite so oddly.

In review:
--I have a theory that men don't have inside voices. I think it's a genetic issue linked to the y chromosome or something
--Lots of spinning happened today. Lots and lots, as my knee can tell you
--I make a pretty kick-ass fried meatball
--Tomorrow will be lovely

Identity Crisis...

2009-10-23T11:06:00.002-04:00

... in terms of the blog, I mean. Me, I know who I am... Most days, anyway. But the blog, well, I'm a little less sure of that. Some days it feels like a diary. Others, it feels like a soapbox. Every so often, it feels like a place to talk about my crafts. Once in a blue moon, it's a lovely place to talk about food.

There are bamillions of blogs out there, each one a little different, and dedicated to something else. There are craft blogs, where people show off their awesome stuff-making skills, food blogs where people show off their awesome cooking/baking skills or talk about awesome restaurants. Some people run blogs about books and literature, while others use their spaces to discuss religion. And then, there are the vanity blogs. These are the blogs that don't have much of a purpose, except to be about someone. Some of them are written with humor, wit, and insight. Many of them are coherent and interesting. And then, there are the crazed, jumbled blogs like this one.

It started out as a knitting blog, when I participated in my first Tour de France Knitalong (i have a terrible record with reaching my goals for those). I had good intentions of knitting and putting pictures up and making this an interesting, creative space. And then, I started talking about my life a little. The transition from sort-of knitblog to total vanity endeavor was complete. For a while, there was no knitting content (well, okay. for great huge whacks of this blog, there has been no knitting content) because there was no knitting. Once I started to read other blogs, and to look around the interwebs a little more, I realized that there's not a whole lot I can contribute to knitting blogs, or food blogs, or literature blogs, or any topic-specific blog, really. I'm not that eloquent, and my thoughts and contributions aren't that compelling.

Still, I wanted to keep up with the blog. I really do love writing, and I thought it might be nice to have a record for myself later on, even if nobody else ever read it. I still go back and read my old entries sometimes, as narcissistic as that is, because it's good to remember and they help me see how far I've come. This is especially true of the last year. The blog gave me a place to vent a little, and to work things through in my own way. Best of all, though, the blog gave me new friends. The internet is great for a lot of things, but the best part of it, as near as I can tell, is the way it brings people from all over together. I can claim friendship with some amazing people across the country, and across the world, who I would never have met without this little blog. For that, I am grateful. I love you guys, and I love having the chance to be part of your lives the way you're part of mine.

For a while, I was considering changing the blog format drastically. After I thought about it (read: agonized for ages), I decided to keep things the way they are. This is my space to be me, whoever and whatever that happens to be on any given day. When I knit, it will be a blog about knitting. When there's spinning, it will be a blog about spinning. And when crazy stuff happens, it'll be a blog about crazy stuff (and there's always plenty of that to go around). Basically, the blog is me, in written format. It's comfortable this way, and I don't get too much hate mail, so things will be staying as they are for the forseeable future.

In review:
--This is totally a vanity blog. I've dropped all pretense of it being anything else
--I'm happy with it that way, so the content will be consistent with what it is now (utterly random)
--Got the house cleaned last night. Roxie, you're right, I wouldn't have regretted it on my deathbed. But Jim's mom is sleeping on our couch this weekend, and since I invited her, I figured it was only fair that she get to sleep on a clean couch.
--Tonight, there will be spinning! I think...

Five Word Blog...

2009-10-22T18:39:00.002-04:00

More chores, not enough sleep. :(

Easy Tips for Improving Customer Service...

2009-10-21T22:59:00.002-04:00

... Having spent all of my many working years in various forms of customer service, I feel that I'm pretty well qualified to offer a few pointers for making your many customer service encounters as smooth and easy as possible. Most of them are common sense, but it's easy to overlook the basics sometimes. I've been a consumer and a service provider, so I'm familiar with both sides of the coin and how things work. We all have to work with customer service folks from time to time, and we've all had some good and some terrible experiences. Hopefully, the advice here will help you have less of the terrible kind. One horrible interaction can ruin your whole day, and your whole experience with a company. So, here are my tips for making your experiences with customer servants as easy and friendly as possible.

--Be aware of the company's policies about shipping and returns before you make a purchase. Few things suck more than buying something expensive, discovering that it's not what you wanted, and not being able to return it.
--If you have to call with a question or an issue, have as much information as possible. If you can find it, have your order number and any information you used to order your products close to hand (if you're working with someone in a store face-to-face, a receipt always makes things about a million times easier, and means that you're more likely to get cash back, rather than store credit). It'll make things faster for you and easier for the person you're working with.
--Be as clear as possible when describing a defective product. If there seems to be shipping damage, mention that. The more descriptive, the better.
--If, for whatever reason, you are unspeakably angry about something (and we've all been there), wait until you can discuss the issue without screaming or throwing things to try to return it or resolve the issue.
--Customer servants are people, and as such, can be mean just because. If you end up with someone who's mean, rude, condescending, or just unpleasant, ask for a manager politely. If the person tells you no, request another customer servant. Be polite, but insistent.
--Remember, if you're working with someone over the phone, they more than likely have a system for logging notes about their interactions with you. They will keep tabs of when you call, what you ask, and how you treat the person you're working with. It's only fair that you should do the same, where necessary.
--Speaking as a customer servant, I can tell you firsthand, we work harder to help the nice people than the mean ones. Even if something is horribly wrong, if you're at least polite about it, we will be inclined to work that much harder to fix it for you.
--If you have a great experience, e-mail or call the company. Sometimes, they send you free stuff.
--Much as it pains me to admit it, if you travel far enough up the chain of command after having a claim denied or an issue ignored, the decision is usually reversed.
--Every so often, there comes a time when the only solution is to pitch a fit. It's not often, but sometimes, it's the only way to get what you need or want.

In review:
--The more information you have when working with someone, the better
--If the person you're working with is not pleasant, or at least civil, ask for a supervisor
--Rarely, the only way to get what you want is to be demanding. Politeness is still nice, but firmness is key
--Training today was pretty cool, I spent twenty or thirty minutes discussing a sentence with my new boss.

Free Pass...

2009-10-20T23:23:00.002-04:00

...I totally forgot about a blog last night. And the way the day went, nothing I wrote would have come out well. And so, I am giving myself a pass on that entry. Like most other Blogtoberfest bloggers, I am running out of things to say. No, really. I can only do so many 'today I did this and then went here and it was awesome' blogs in a given month before even I start to get sick of them.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my new boss Jeff and the two owners of our company. I'm a little nervous, though the owners are only a couple of years older than me. It's a small company, but I haven't yet met either owner officially. The most contact I've had was to tease one guy for eating ramen at his desk (i told him he wasn't giving the rest of us much to aspire to. thankfully, he laughed). So, I'm a little anxious. We'll see how that goes.

Jim's birthday is this weekend, and it's always educational to see how differently he handles these things than I do. I start calling friends and family weeks in advance, and planning a menu and working on cleaning. Jim, on the other hand, calls a couple of guys a week or two before and whenever I mention food, shrugs and says that a couple of bags of chips will be fine. Now, I know that Jim is having his friends up, and it's not really my affair. But dammit, when there are people in my home for a party, they will be fed respectably. So I'm going to make sure there is some beer in the fridge (it'll be an all-night geekfest, so nobody is driving home 'til they've slept it off) and a crock pot full of meatballs and some other snacks to be had. I have this deep, dire compulsion to feed anyone who comes over. I think of it as harnessing my inner housewife.

I think that might be all I have to share with you all today, it's getting late and I'm pretty tired. Hopefully, I'll have something interesting to write for tomorrow.

In review:
--Man, I'm running out of things to talk about. Makes for lame blogging
--Meeting with the dudes who own our company tomorrow. Li'l nervous-making
--Jim sucks at birthdays. But he's cute, so I'll keep him
--I saw a mouse in the bedroom two nights ago (jim asked if i was sure it wasn't a bug. i pointed out that if there was a bug the size of a mouse in the bedroom, there would have been some screaming and flailing). It's game on, now...

Shameless Navel Gazing...

2009-10-19T00:09:00.002-04:00

...because what good is a vanity blog if you don't get to write whatever the hell you want when you want to (let's face it, this is a knitting blog the way the national enquirer is a newspaper. there are vague, sensationalist stories and lots of filler)? This was another good, relaxing day. We slept late, I made cream puffs (the easiest recipe ever, honestly) and we spent the day at Laura's hanging out with our Jersey friends and relaxing. Jim watched football, but I caught up with my Amy-girl, who I haven't seen in ages. All in all, it was a good day.

I got to spend some time catching up with my girls and relaxing. It was great to just bask in the glow, and to talk face to face for a few hours. I also got to spend some more time with Amy's Mike, who seems to be a good guy. He and Amy are a good fit, and it's nice to watch them together. I was reminded again that I know some pretty amazing young women. Talking to Amy and Laura, I was reminded that things are pretty good right now. We're all working at decent jobs and making ends meet. We're all living our lives on our own terms, independent of our families. And we're all in stable, happy relationships with our men. All in all, this is a pretty good time for us. We've got room to grow, ambitions to realize, and dreams to chase. We've built some nice, solid foundations to work from, and some soft places to land if we miss our goals.

I might be the only blogger on the internet who's never posted a recipe to share, so I think I'll leave you all with my cream puff recipe. The filling options are my own, but the shell recipe is from the Betty Crocker cookbook I inherited from Momolla.

Cream Puffs:

1/2 c water
1/4 c butter or margarine
2 eggs
1/2 c flour

Pre-heat oven to 400 F (about two oh five c). In a medium saucepan, bring the water and butter to a rolling boil. Reduce to low heat and stir the flour in briskly until it forms a ball. Add both eggs and stir vigorously until the mixture is smooth. Drop by rounded tablespoonfuls onto a baking sheet about three inches apart (they don't stick because of all the butter, so you don't really need to prep the sheet at all) and bake for about half an hour to forty-five minutes (the exact time will depend on the humidity and other science-y things), until the shells are golden brown. Cool them away from drafts, and cut the tops off. Scoop any unbaked dough out, being careful not to break the shells.

Fill them with either sweetened whipped cream (lemon and almond flavored were the two favorites that i've tried so far, but classic vanilla is always a hit) or a mixture of whipped cream and pudding (since i didn't have access to my own kitchen, i used instant pudding and whipped cream from a can. they disappeared, anyway.). If you're feeling fancy, you can drizzle them with some chocolate syrup or sprinkle confectioner's sugar over the top. They're pretty, and they taste fantastic. Also, for some reason totally unbeknownst to me, people will think you're a clever person who spend hours in the kitchen. Also, some people might declare their undying love for you, especially if you make your own whipped cream and let them lick the bowl.

In review:
--Today was awesome. Love the house, but I miss being closer to my Jersey girls
--Make cream puffs. They're the easiest dessert ever, though nobody ever believes that
--Why are weekends only two days long? It's just not enough time to properly goof off

Day Off...

2009-10-17T22:04:00.002-04:00

it's been a nice one, so far. Kate and Patrick came up for an unexpected visit after their plans for the day changed. I took my camera to the electronics store to see if it could be repaired (we'll know soon), and I did some knitting and spinning. Colleen and I drank plum wine (delicious stuff, and kind of potent) and watched silly girl movies. And now I am back in my bed, eating chocolate and knitting while I listed to a book being read to me. All in all, it's been a pretty nice day.

I like the five word blog format, and I'm thinking I might implement it once a week, since it's kind of a challenge to get something interesting across in five words. Also, it's great for a night when I have something else going on, and blogging time is a little scarce. As for yesterday's post, Laura mentioned me in a paper she wrote about agents of socialization in her life, and how brave I was during the alien baby saga. I appreciate the sentiments, but I'm not sure brave is the right word. Steady, maybe, but not brave. I handled the situation as best I could, but there was still an awful lot of complaining and being afraid involved. I'm pretty sure that means I'm disqualified from being brave.

In other news, I got the forums liaison job I applied for. I'd pretty much given up hope, since it took so long to hear back from my new boss. I'm going to phase over into the new department slowly, starting towards the end of this week, and I should be doing the job full time by the first weekend of November. This will give the customer service department some time to hire a replacement for me, and to train the new person some before they throw them into active duty. I'm pretty excited about the new job, and I'm looking forward to not answering phones all day. I mostly don't mind working with our customers, and I do like helping people and correcting any issues they might have. There's just the occasional customer who is upset and takes it out on me. I know it's a hazard of customer service, and that it's just the way things are. But I surely won't miss it. I'll let you all know how the training goes, and how I like the new job. I feel a little bad leaving the department already, when I've only just been hired, but the department manager wished me well and seemed genuinely pleased for me.

That's really all I have for y'all at the moment. My day has been peaceful and a little boring, and I've loved it. Maybe there will be something more interesting to post tomorrow. If not, I have a few ideas brewing.

In review:
--Kate and Patrick came up for a visit. We had lunch, which was pretty nice.
--Jim's mom didn't come up this weekend, due to some complications. Maybe next weekend, though.
--This was not a good day to spin. Knitting will happen instead and we'll try again tomorrow.
--The weather is disgusting, which means I don't feel bad at all about sitting in bed knitting.
--I have just remembered, we're going to visit Laura tomorrow. Must make cream puffs in the morning.

Five Word Blog...

2009-10-16T18:59:00.001-04:00

Laura thinks I'm brave. Weird.

If I Won the Lottery...

2009-10-15T23:37:00.002-04:00

...which is a game we all play sometimes, whether we admit it or not. It's nice to day dream. I've decided I would go back to school. I'd get a PhD in psychology and my master's in law and donate my time to people who needed help. I'd establish places for the 18-year-old 'adults' the foster system abandons to live. I would buy my parents a new house, or build a new one on the land they have now. I'd buy myself a house with enough rooms for Jim to have an office, me to have a library/craft/music room and a spectacular kitchen. I'd get my dad flying lessons, and send Kate and maybe El to Japan. I would hire a maid or a housekeeper. I would so take Momolla shopping with me. I would get a good haircut and pick up some jeans that finally fit, even if I had to pay more than $25 dollars a pair. I would buy shoes. Oh, the shoes.

If I ever won the lottery, I would travel the world and meet new people and visit old friends. I would still have a budget, though spending comes easily to me. I would find someone to give me lessons in whichever instrument struck my fancy at the time. I would host wonderful dinner parties. I would invest in a parking garage in the city to provide decent income. I would find a garage for Jim and buy him a couple of rusty old trucks to play with. I would con Jim into marrying me, and go somewhere exotic for our honeymoon. I would adopt a dog, or maybe two. Mostly, I would relax.

What about you? What would you do if you had no budgetary restrictions? Buy a desert island? Go on a shopping spree?

I believe...

2009-10-14T13:14:00.002-04:00

--That perception is not reality, but that it sure has a hell of an impact on it
--That it doesn't matter who you love or how you love them, so long as they're a consenting adult
--There is nowhere near enough love in the world
--Instant meals are wonderful, but nowhere near as good as home-cooking
--You get back what you put out into the world
--Karma is a bitch
--That people change, sometimes for the better and sometimes not
--Everybody needs a bosom buddy to share secrets with
--We are all stronger, smarter, and more amazing than we give ourselves credit for
--There is magic left in the world, if you know where to look
--There are many gods, and they are all facets and aspects of one god
--We all walk our own paths, to our own destinations, and all these paths deserve respect
--Life needs the bitter to enhance the sweet
--That you should be nice to customer servants, always. They're people, too
--In tipping your waitperson well, they work crazy hard
--Chocolate can do a lot to make a crappy day better.
--Crying and laughter are both incredibly healing
--Some things happen for a reason, and some happen just because
--You can't always get what you want, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try
--Sometimes, all you can do is let go
--Moving outside your comfort zone is liberating and terrifying
--Failure makes you grow, if you do it right
--Success is relative
--Nice matters
--Women are crazy
--Men are also crazy
--Beauty is a state of mind

Good Intentions...

2009-10-14T10:33:00.002-04:00

...but bad results. I was meaning to post again yesterday, but we had so many errands to run after work that I went home, ate some dinner, did some straightening up, and fell asleep. I am an old woman these days, and I'm okay with that. And so today, there will be two posts from work. On the one hand, it will give me something to do. And on the other, if I write both posts early, I can rest easy knowing that I'm caught up.

I woke up sore again this morning, ready to have a good grumble and spend the rest of the day being all crabby and grumpy. But then I realized that nine months ago, I was diagnosed with a giant tumor. Five months ago, I was operated on. And today, I can move and stretch and lift and carry things. And I feel like a normal person again, and the whole experience is being assimilated better. There are some days where I forget about the scar. There are several days where I hardly hurt at all. Sure, I'm still sore and the muscles are still recovering. But mostly, I'm back. I'm me again, just me. Living my life as best I can, healthy and whole and happy. So maybe it's time to change my outlook, and rather than whining about hurting, be grateful that I'm healthy. I'm lucky. And I'm happy.

So for today, I am going to concentrate on the happy and the good. It wouldn't have taken much for the past several months to turn out differently, and not nearly so well. What's not to be happy about?

I finished the handspun scarf for real last night; I finally wove the ends in. I'm debating washing and blocking it. It's easily the most beautiful thing I have ever made with my own two hands. I can hardly bear to put it away and let it sit til it's time to wrap it up. I also finished my handwarmers/fingerless mitts. They're made from the gorgeous Noro RoseRed sent me back in April, and they were an adventure. I've never worked with anything like this yarn before, it's a single-ply and the variations in color and texture kept what would have been a pretty boring knit pretty interesting. They're fraternal stripey twins, which makes it easy to distinguish between the right and left mitts. The left is just a little longer, to keep that hand a little warmer. I've got a few other projects I'm working on at the moment, and a sizeable list of things I'd like to accomplish in the next two months or so. It might not all get done, but it's good to have goals.

In review:
-Life is good. Not perfect, but plenty good.
-Knitting is fun, especially when you make yourself pretty things.
-Having a job where you can blog from work is pretty awesome
-I have gone way, way overboard in my list of knitting projects for the next two months. This should be interesting...

Belated Monday Post

2009-10-13T18:05:00.002-04:00

Because I slipped and totally forgot to write an entry for yesterday. Go, me! I was a little wiped out yesterday, work was crazy. But then, when isn't it?

Tonight will be busy, too, and the rest of the week into the weekend. Jim's mom is coming up for a visit. I invited her, because she's in a really tough living situation right now and it seems like she could use a bit of a break. Our house may not be exciting, but it's restful. And after tonight, it'll be clean.

I must confess, my quest to keep the house cleaner has been going slightly better, but not as well as I'd hoped. I think a large part of the problem is the sheer amount of stuff we have, and the lack of organization to it. Also, we're all kind of lazy when it comes to cleaning. Still, the house looks better. The kitchen floor is still sticky, but the dishes are done and the counters are fairly clean. The bedroom is in pretty poor shape again, but that's because it's the room where all the stuff that doesn't have a place on the bottom floor goes. Oh, well. If given a choice between being happy and mentally stable and having a clean house, I will take the former every time.

In review:

-Slacking off is good for you. I have decided this is truth.
-Wish I brought a darning needle to work today. My mitts are pretty much done
-Next post today will be about the knitting. I swear I still know how to move sticks and string
-It's amazing what you can get done when you have a regular, normal schedule

Second Sunday Post...

2009-10-11T23:39:00.003-04:00

...and, despite my best intentions, I have nothing much else to report or to comment on. Today was my day to relax and unwind, and I took advantage of that time to listen to a book and knit. I didn't get dressed until four, and only then put on old, ragged sweats. Friends, it was liberating. We've been so busy lately, trying to keep up with all our loved ones and spend time with everyone whenever we had the time, that Jim and I were both pretty burned out. Not that we don't love our friends, but everybody needs a lazy day or two. So today, we just relaxed. I didn't fret about cleaning, I didn't worry about finishing the laundry or being productive. Jim managed to be more productive than I, he washed the dishes. He would also like me to point out that he 'did stuff outside, too.' (jim is helping me blog tonight. he says hello!)

Being lazy doesn't mean I was entirely unproductive. I managed to finish knitting a scarf that's meant to be given as a Christmas gift. It's made of some handspun, and I do believe I am in love. There's a striping effect, even though the yarn itself is a riot of colors, that I just love. I realize that it's early to be thinking of any holidays other than Halloween, but since I am what could charitably called excruciatingly slow at knitting, and there are a few other things I would like to make for gifts, getting a head start seems like a good idea. Ideally, I'd like to have something special for everybody in the house and for my family, but we'll see how well that works out.

Tomorrow is Monday, and that means work will be interesting, especially since many people have the day off for Columbus Day (i've always wondered how the native americans feel about us pale folk celebrating 'finding' their home). I'm bringing the handwarmers I'm making for myself because they're easy 1X1 ribbing and I can work on them while I answer easy questions. I've decided a pair is in order, though I'll likely only need the one unless I'm outside. A couple of the guys at work have noticed and petitioned me for a pair. We'll see how generous I'm feeling a little later in the year.

And now, darlings, it's time for me to rest my weary head after a long, hard day of sitting around. I hope that your week is easy and goes swiftly for you, and that you have plenty of opportunities to relax.

In review:
--I was horribly boring today, and I LOVED it!
--Makes for shady blogging, though
--I totally forgot to post a review section on my earlier entry. I am sooo good at this stuff
--Work tomorrow will be trying, but there should be some good knitting time in there. Gotta get my mitts done, the building maintenance crew insists on leaving the air conditioning on.

Feedback...

2009-10-11T11:09:00.002-04:00

...is a good thing. I appreciate all the comments from the previous post. You've all got very good points. To answer the question Momolla asked me yesterday, Jim and I haven't had a fight, and I was pretty calm when I wrote that. The verse really is lovely, and I can appreciate the sentiments. But the kind of love it extols is perfect, and it reminds me very much of the Disney movies I watched as a child. What it shows you is perfect, and therefore, almost never real. I do believe that love is powerful, and that it can be a great motivator and a great inspiration. But love also spawns emotions that can make you petty and afraid. Love is wonderful, but it's never perfect, because the people that feel it never are.

Thanks to some issues with my internet connection that our service provider stoutly denies to be possible, I wasn't able to get online to post last night. There will be two posts today to make up for it. I'll try to make sure that the second is another real post. I'd like to save the fluff bits and padding for closer to the end of the month when I'm running out of ideas and stories to share.

Yesterday, my parents celebrated their 28th wedding anniversary. My sisters and I spent it with them, wandering around Lancaster's Farmer's Market and a few other shops. Momolla and Dadums graciously bought me a ham for Christmas (a trip to s. clyde weaver's is always a requirement. they have the best bacon you have ever tasted), since we're hosting dinner again, and I expressed a fear of being presented with another canned ham. Kate was 'intrigued' by the fruit tarts. There was a lot of wandering and talking and catching up, since we haven't all been together as a family in rather a while. We had lunch together, and drove over to a shop called Labadie Looms, which has fibers for spinners, weavers, and knitters. The fiber fumes are heady stuff in there.

Since I am on a tight budget (jim's birthday is later this month, and i promised him truck parts), I ignored the honey-colored merino and silk blend. Well, okay. I picked it up and carried it with me for a few minutes, and then sense got the better of me and I put it back down and walked away to clear my head. I did splurge and pick up some gorgeous scarlet silk hankies to spin. I've never worked with silk, and the color called to me (it was less than twenty dollars, so it was an indulgence, but less than half the cost of the original object of me affections). There was no name or color information with it, so I've started to think of it as 'Desire' in the back of my mind. I'm thinking it's going to be a cowl or a broad scarf for me, since I so rarely keep my handspun, and since I'm going back to blonde in a few more weeks. The color won't clash with my hair, though it's so pretty, I would have worn it, anyway.

That's all I have for you all with this post, my darlings. I hope the last bit of your weekend is/was lovely.

Love is...

2009-10-09T22:17:00.002-04:00

...many things, some of them wonderful, and some of them not. This is another post that's been stewing in my head lately, because we attended a really lovely wedding a few weeks ago. I don't know what it is about weddings that nobody can find a different Bible passage to read, but the one that always comes up is this one:

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

And many of these lines bother me. I mean no disrespect for the Bible, or to anyone who likes the verse. It's lovely, and in some lights, it's true. See, love is not always patient. Few things are less patient than the headlong rush into love. Love is certainly not always kind. It might be to the loved one, but to the lover rejected, it can be quite cruel. And said rejected lover certainly envies whoever the object of his or her affections chooses instead.

Love is boastful, and conceited, and quite rude. Who hasn't bragged about how wonderful their lover is? Who hasn't been proud to strut about with their lover on their arm, admiring the dashing figure they cut? And, well, love is tied very closely to lust in many cases, and lust is quite rude. Love is indeed selfish, because at the base, love is about how someone makes you feel and your response to that. Love takes offense more easily than most other emotions. It might forgive, eventually, but the offense is there. Love is touchy, and fragile.

As for there being nothing love cannot face, well, it doesn't tend to do very well with loss, betrayal, or separation. Love surely does have its limits to faith (ask the spouse who's been betrayed, or the child whose parent left) and to its endurance (love, like so many natural things, can't exist in a vacuum).

This is really a lovely verse, and I certainly have nothing against the sentiments. Love is a great and powerful thing. But, like all human emotions, it is different for every person. For some people, love is a great, empowering emotion that leads them to do powerful good in the lives of others. For certain people, love can turn you mean and small and angry with the fear of losing it. Love is something different to each of us, and there are dozens of kinds of love. Romantic love, familial love, platonic love, love of self, and on and on the list goes. Not all of those are grand, sweeping types of love, nor are all lovers grand, faithful, sweeping people.

In the end, I believe that love has as much strength and as much power as the person who feels it. It can bring out the very best, purest motives in a person, and some of the basest ones. And once in a very great while, it can change your whole perspective and make you do something entirely different, and maybe a little better, than you would have been able to manage before. Love can be a consolation, a comfort, and a refuge. But it can also be a knife in the heart. In each situation we deal with every day, love is something different. It's present, and it is great, and it is powerful. But like people, love is flawed, and messy, and real.

Five Word Blog

2009-10-08T23:47:00.000-04:00

Quizzo after work is rockin!

Sort-of Lazy Blogging...

2009-10-07T22:36:00.003-04:00

...or, criticizing popular literature. I feel I should preface this entry by pointing out that fantasy is by far my favorite genre. I have read (and love, deeply) high fantasy, urban fantasy, stories about magic and elves and vampires and werewolves and bards and giants and all manner of things. So, I'm not hating on fantasy here. Much love to the fantasy writers who do a good job (hi, roxie and amy lane!). However, I have a few bones to pick with Stephenie Meyer.

I started listening to Twilight because I was sort of intrigued by the idea. It's hardly new, but well, see the above disclaimer. Fantasy is my genre, baby. However, Stephenie's fantasy really isn't. See, I can suspend disbelief to accept that vampires are real and walk among us. However, I can't make myself believe that they voluntarily put themselves through high school over and over and over again. Come on, high school really isn't the glory years. It's an angsty, confused, hormonal time. Why would a cosmopolitan, century or so old creature put itself through that again and again? That stretches my imagination muscles a little. However, the heroine stretches them to the point where they break.

See, the main vampire admits to the heroine that he's been breaking into her house and watching her sleep. He's been doing this for weeks, even though he seemed to pretty much hate her when they first met. And the heroine doesn't once bring up the words 'stalking' or 'restraining order' or even 'psychotic'. Nope, she tells him it's incredibly romantic and she hopes he'll do it more often. Sorry, nobody is that crazy. Nobody thinks that level of creepiness is okay in real life. Not even a besotted teenager. The vampire admits to his lady love that he could crush her if he loses his concentration for a single moment, and that there's a very, very good chance that he's going to end up killing her. Does she say, 'Well, huh. I think we're done here'? Nope. She says, 'I trust you!' and bats her eyelashes and leans in a little closer.

Also, said heroine must have harnessed the awesome power of pheremones or something, because she starts out the book without a lot of friends and having never had a date. However, three or four chapters in, at least four different young men have asked her out. She suddenly becomes catnip for males. It's just a little too high school wish-fulfillment for me.

And all that, I could have accepted, albeit with a little work. But Stephenie lost me the minute she disclosed one thing. In her magical world of improbable things, vampires are strong, virile, fast, and... they sparkle. I'm sorry, I can't accept a world where vampires choose not to go out in the day because they sparkle. That's just too much, even for me. And I believe in fairies. All in all, it's not a bad book, and I'll probably listen to the end, and move on to the rest of the series. Mainly, though, because I downloaded it for free.

In review:
--Real vampires don't sparkle
--Who gets turned on by skin that feels like marble/ice/stone? I understand a lot of kinky fetishes, but necrophilia just baffles me (the heroine is way into the cold skin thing. creepy!)
--Read something written by Amy Lane instead. There's actually sex and swearing
--Stephenie Meyer basically wrote a book about what she wished high school had been like
--This is not the book to use to illustrate healthy boundaries. Not even a little.

Totally Late

2009-10-07T00:24:00.002-04:00

Because I no sooner mentioned my good health than I was struck by a charming stomach virus. What with all the wonderful visits to my enchanting bathroom, I didn't notice the time. I'd planned a real entry here, something mildly interesting. That will have to wait a little longer. I can't believe it's only day six and I've already stumbled and technically missed a blog.

In review:
--I, and my digestive system, are total, utter fail.

Totally Boring Health Update

2009-10-05T22:37:00.003-04:00

Which, I have decided, is my favorite kind. Roxie asked me to post and let y'all know how I was doing, and how the healing process is coming along. So far as I can tell, things are coming along swimmingly. I hardly ever have pain in my chest, and when I do, it tends to be short-lived. I'm more comfortable, and I'm slowly getting the strength back in my chest muscles. The numbness is still there, though, which is pretty strange. I can feel pressure when something touches my side, but the skin has no sensation. I'm hoping that the feeling will come back, eventually. I'm thinking the odds are pretty good, since my body is bouncing back from this a million times better than I could have hoped. The weirdest side effect is that my right hand is always warm now, and my left hand is still frigid. I've always had cold hands, so it's a little weird to have a warm one. Maybe I should knit myself one glove or something...

The best, very coolest part about this stage of the recover is that sometimes, I can forget that I'm recovering. I can forget about the whole ordeal, because it's just become a part of me. Perhaps forget isn't the best word for it, you can't just forget this sort of thing. But it's more assimilated, it sticks out in my brain less. The scar doesn't bother me as much (most of the time) and it's a little less obvious (it helps that i don't dress like a tramp). This morning, I left something upstairs and we were running a few minutes late for work. So I hustled up the stairs, grabbed what I needed, and headed back down at speed. I was a little breathless, but considering that less than six months ago, it took me minutes rather than seconds to get up or down the stairs, I'm thinking a little breathless is pretty okay.

That's all the thrilling health news I have for you today, but I do have two exciting announcements. I have secured to special guest bloggers for a little later on in the month. Both have been tentatively assigned to write an essay about my supreme awesomeness, or whatever else catches their fancy. We'll see how that goes. Announcement the second: I'm bringing on a feature I used to use back when myspace was still cool enough for me to blog on. I'll be ending most of my blogs (those with real content, anyway) with a wrap-up, sort of a blog-lite, if you will. That way, should you be pressed for time, or should you just want the abbreviated version of the blog, you can enjoy it. I promise, though, there will never be a pop quiz... Or, will there?

In review:
--Healing is going well. I can do crazy stuff like walk and move and climb stairs.
--Special guests will be blogging later in the month. Woo, guest blogging!
--I sometimes cheat and put silly things in the review, like statements about rubber ducks, that don't show up in the actual blog.
--For instance, Jim has flatly refused to get me a pair of angora bunnies for Christmas

Things That Make Me Happy

2009-10-04T23:21:00.002-04:00

Because hey, it worked for Momolla, right? There are a lot of things that make me happy, and I'm sure I don't mention them as much as I should.

The way the house smells when I cook a real, balanced dinner makes me happy. I can't help but smile when I look at my handspun. The merino I'm working on now might just be too beautiful to part with, though I'm pretty sure it's going to be knitted into a gift.

The ridiculous height of the bed now that we have a good mattress makes me happy. Sure, I could break a rib if I fall off. But I have a real mattress. Mmmm, sleeping well. The way Jim tucks me in when he wakes up and gets out of bed before me makes me feel all warm and smooshy inside, especially when he thinks I'm still sleeping and does it, anyway. And the way he always kisses me goodbye before one of us goes somewhere is pretty neat, too.

Spending an hour on the phone with one of my Jersey Girls is a sure-fire way to lighten my mood. Calling Momolla to catch up is another way to make me grin. Talking to Dadumms is an extra bonus.

The stacks of books all over the house make me happy. Sure, they're clutter and they're in my way most of the time. But, well, they're books, and they are my true addiction. Likewise, the tote and basket full of yarn and fiber are pretty cool. Hand-knit socks make me happy like no other knitted good can, though the satisfaction of finishing a project with my own two little hands is a pretty great feeling.

Blogging, and all the friends I have made through the wonders of the internet, are also pretty damn cool. I get to see and share slices of all your lives, and without this awesome system of tubes and gnomes and magic, I'd never have met any of you.

And also, chocolate makes me happy. So does jogging up the stairs when I forget something, and only being a little winded (well, okay, kinda winded). Not waking up and feeling sore and tender is also pretty awesome. Being able to move and breathe and feel like me, well, that probably makes me happiest of all.

Social Butterfly

2009-10-03T20:30:00.002-04:00

I wonder if there were always this many opportunities for me to go out or spend time with people, or if they've only started now that I have weekends off. Today's blog comes to you after a day trip to the PA Renaissance Faire and before going to a friend's house for a moon gazing party. Thankfully, there's nothing planned tomorrow, so I'll have time to relax and spin and read and clean and just be. As I keep telling Jim, having plans is a symptom of having friends, and that's a good thing. It's just been overwhelming this past month, and I am declaring the second weekend of October to be a free weekend. I will not go anywhere, I will not fulfill any obligations, social or otherwise. I will simply stay home and goof off. Everybody needs the occasional day to putz around the house, and I haven't had one of those in ages. Not that I at all mind spending time with my friends and loved ones. It just gets to be draining, especially after a full week of working. I still don't have a lot of stamina, and I get tuckered out pretty quickly.

So, the Renaissance Faire. If you've never been to one, the easiest way to describe it is to have someone imagine the nerdy kids in high school and their friends, parents, and grandparents all role-playing together. There's a huge estate that hosts this every year, and people come from, well, all over, to wander the faire and look at jugglers and jousts and fairies and pirates and, of course, the Queen. All the Faire employees are dressed in costume and speak in Olde English. It's a lot of fun, especially if you don't take yourself too seriously. There are activities for children and adults alike, and plenty of shows to see and places to shop and eat. You can get a whole turkey leg (tasty, but messy), some of the wine made at the estate (it happens to be a reputable winery, they have the best sangria wine i've ever had), a corset, trinkets and baubles of every type, armor, battle-ready weaponry (which has to be 'peace tied', or basically disabled while you're on the grounds), and all manner of period-appropriate costumes. It really is quite an experience, and the drive out to the estate is lovely, lots of trees and rolling fields.

I've been trying to be as frugal as possible, and not buy things that don't qualify as a need (thus, there was no wine purchased today, i was the model of restraint), but I did pick a Tree of Life neclace up for myself. It's just the right size and design, and it's lightweight. Hopefully, it's sterling silver. I'll find out the hard way if it isn't within the next day or so (the one time i had a belly ring that wasn't surgical steel or pure silver, i had a horrible reaction within twenty-four hours, it was not good times). I hope it is, because I'm lazy and I like to wear jewelry that's special to me every day, rather than changing out lots of different pieces.

And now, my dears, it is time for me to grab a bite and then head out to gaze at the moon. I hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend, and have some of the perfect weather we're finally getting to see around here.

Eating Habits...

2009-10-02T23:47:00.002-04:00

...it occurred to me tonight that if I lived alone, I would likely die of scurvy or malnutrition. While I love food in many ways for many reasons, I never really feel the need to cook just for myself. So instead, I end up grazing from whatever is available. For instance, I had crackers with some sort-of-bruschetta tonight, along with olives (green, straight from the jar), and frozen meatballs I defrosted in the microwave. I washed it all down with orange juice. Sitting here recounting it, I feel vaguely ashamed. And yet, I could have had all manner of things, or I could have gone to the store to get supplies, or something that qualifies as an actual meal. But somehow, I don't think I can be alone. How do you eat when nobody's around? Do you make a whole, balanced meal, working away in the kitchen to spoil yourself with tasty treats? Or do you graze from whatever catches your fancy, standing shamelessly in front of the fridge?

By the way, my interview for the forums liaison position went well. I'm getting ready to prepare some writing samples in response to actual forum postings involving my company. I realized today again how proud I am to work for American Muscle. Like any company, we make our share of gaffes, and people will mention that online. It's human nature on both ends. But our customer service is amazing, to the point where customers with nothing at stake will spring to our defense, always willing to tell a fellow Mustang lover that they should give us another chance. And, we work hard as a company to deserve that. I have never worked for a place, or even hear of one, that is so dedicated to doing the right thing and taking care of customers. It's a great feeling, to know I work for a good place that cares. Confusing to me, after all these years at huge corporations, but very good.

That's all for tonight, and I'm barely squeaking in under the wire. But tomorrow, the Ren Faire!

Laura...

2009-10-01T20:08:00.003-04:00

...someone made the mistake of telling me she likes my profiles of my loved ones, and this has been rolling around in my head for a while now. Laura is one of my Jersey Girls, and might just be the only person on Earth I love more than Jim.

Laura is beautiful, and she's always put together. That's what strikes you first about her, and she plays right into that. She is crazy smart, but she won't let you in on that little secret until she determines if you deserve to know. Her intelligence is one of her best defenses, and her best weapons. She's had the hardest, most heartbreaking childhood of anybody I know, real or fictional. Her birth mother is one of the most horrible human beings I claim acquaintance with.

Laura's funny and sweet and one of the most compassionate people ever. She's silly and loves children and tanning and hides cookies where her health-nut (and short!) boyfriend won't find them. She's the kind of friend you can call at two am when you've just had a fight with your boyfriend and need someone to vent to who understands. And she's not afraid to return the favor and call you, she shares her vulnerabilities like she shares her strengths. Whether she'll tell you so or not, Laura wants to be loved. And she's willing to fight for love, and to take chances for it. Her bravery is astonishing, especially since she has some pretty tough anxiety issues that she's working through. I've said before that really old friends are like your favorite old sneakers, they just fit comfortably, no matter how long you go between wearing them. Well, Laura's like your favorite high heels; she's classy, comfortable to spend time with, makes you feel your best.

I do speak often of the strong women I'm surrounded by, Laura is one of the strongest I know. She's amazing, and closer to me than anyone else. She holds all the secrets of my little soul, and she's trusted me with many of hers. She's really more than a friend, she's a sister of the heart and I, like so many, would be lost without her.

Blogtoberfest!

2009-09-30T19:58:00.003-04:00

Since I am a follower at heart, I thought I'd give Blogtoberfest a shot this year. It sounds like a good time, and a great way to exercise my writing skills. Plus, I'll be spending some much-needed time with the blog. There might be a facelift in the future. And possibly some interesting bits and bobs. Who knows? It'll be a great adventure!

Writing Sample...

2009-09-21T17:15:00.002-04:00

I'm applying for a different position at work. We have what's called a web forum liaison position open. Basically, I would be reading and posting on major Mustang forums, as well as answering technical questions and trying to resolve any issues that people are discussing on the boards. It sounds like an interesting, fun job. And it requires writing, which is something I love to do. The problem is, I need a writing sample. I was thinking of just linking to my blog, but many of my more recent posts have been unpleasantly whiny. Still, I feel like the blog is a good example of my narrative voice, and it gives a great sense of my casual writing style. So, I had a brain storm. If any particular post, however recent or remote, has stuck with you, let me know. You don't have to link to it, I can wander through the archives. But I'd like to offer up a bit of memorable writing for this interview, something different or funny or even dramatic or sad. But really, something that resonated. I would love some feedback, and some suggestions. Meanwhile, I'm going to root through my old college essays and see what I can find that might work.

In other news, my family and my aunts are gathering on Sunday to remember my grandmother. I'm looking forward to the family time, and to the chance to learn about woman who, if Momolla is any indication, was probably pretty neat. I hope your week goes by quickly and smoothly, and that you get a taste of our sunshine.

Mourning...

2009-09-20T22:24:00.003-04:00

...is a funny thing, sometimes. My grandmother died today. That's the second grandparent this year, and the last one I'm biologically related to. I know my cousins (my mother's sister's children) will be upset by it; they were close to her. Somehow, though, I can't mourn the woman. I hardly knew her. For a variety of reasons, and because of a lot of family drama, we were never close to my mom's parents. I wish, and have wished many times, that this were not so. There will be no funeral, no memorial, no ceremony in my grandmother's honor. She didn't want one; I'm not sure why. So my family and my grandmother's sisters will gather and remember her. I'm looking forward to hearing about her, to learning what she was like. And all the while, I'll feel sad. I will mourn, though it won't be for the woman, but rather, for the relationship we never had.

I'll draw comfort from my Aunt Joan and Aunt Elsie, who I do know and love, and from the knowledge that when I eventually have children, they will know their grandparents. My children will have a gloriously extended family full of love and insanity.

To the grandmother I never really knew. May you rest in peace, and may you leave behind more loved ones to mourn your passing on your next go-round.

Dedication...

2009-09-10T22:32:00.002-04:00

...this is for Laura (who is stronger than i can even imagine, and whose willingness to love astounds me), for my Aunt Denise (who is going to beat the cancer a second time, dammit.), for Momolla (who can love so strongly and laugh no matter what), for Kate (who is a rock for everyone around her), for El (who has the courage and strength to be herself, always and totally), for Bells (who is brave enough to share her heartbreak and loving enough to comfort others from the midst of it), for Amy-girl (who is simply amazing, and won't be told no), for me (i am never broken), for all of the fabulous strong wome I am surrounded by.

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

--Maya Angelou

Because, my darlings, my friends, we rise.

It's Amazing...

2009-09-04T14:15:00.003-04:00

...what a dramatic reduction of stress will do for you. Since I've started the great new job, I have been less frazzled and moody and stressed and angry for no reason. My skin has cleared up (really cleared up, not just relatively-clear-for-me-cleared-up), my hair is softer, and I can actually sleep at night.

That's not to say that it's not stressful, or that it's not work; believe me, it is. But, it's work I can do and then leave here at the end of the day. And I've actually been trained, and there's almost always someone around to answer a question. On the rare occasion that there isn't, and I make a judgment call, if I screw it up, nobody yells. They tell me how to do it better next time and then move on. It's a beautiful thing. And, since customer service is something I am vastly familiar with, it's been pretty easy to slip into the pattern here. I'm trying to learn what I can about the many intricacies of Mustangs, but at this point, all I can do is pick up bits and bobs as I go.

The new schedule has been lovely, too. Granted, I get worn out by Friday. But having two days in a row off is liberating. And we get home and I'm able to do things if I'm motivated enough, so I'm slowly reclaiming the house from the filth and grime that have crept in over the last several months. The house isn't (and, who am i kidding, never will be) perfect, but I'd like to keep it at a level of clean where if I were to have an unexpected visitor, I wouldn't be ashamed. It's a process, and I'm not getting as much help as I would like, but I have come to realize that my choices in this matter are to a)buckle down, clean like a fiend for a few weeks, and then maintain the cleanliness and feel put-upon b) bully, cry, and nag the people I live with into cleaning and pulling their own weight, creating a less-than optimal cleanliness level and large amounts of tension or c)live with the frustration, anger, and guilt that come from having such a pretty house be so gross all the time while we all sit around and moan about how gross it is. It bugs me, but really the first one is the only viable option if I want to stay remotely sane and not be lynched by my housemates. And so, the cleaning goes. And will continue, until I'm comfortable in my home again.

On the crafting front, I am pleased to report that I haven't given up the sticks entirely and moved on. I've been spinning and knitting, albeit slowly. I am working on a Forest Canopy shawl for a friend, having given up on the Adamas pattern. I like it quite a bit, but I wasn't able to get things to add up properly. And my great and mighty stubbornnes has limits. I will only slam my head against a brick wall so many times before I go and look for a new, softer wall to abuse. So the switch has been made, and things are coming along rather well. Turns out I'm not as slow at knitting as I thought, when I set aside the time to knit something. Since I can't knit a pattern and hold a conversation, I've been shutting myself away in the bedroom last night to make sure that I get a certain amount of knitting done each week. The date that I plan to give this shawl away is fast approaching, and I don't want to be standing around with a half-finished shawl.

As far as the spinning goes, I'm finally having some luck with some gorgeous merino. It's dyed in colors that remind me of a sunset, a deep deep scarlet and a dark, hazy blue and a dusky gold color. I'm feeling really proud of myself on this one, and I'm looking forward to spinning up the last of my singles tonight and plying it over the weekend. It'll be a two-ounce skein, probably about a fingering weight. I'm too busy enjoying the colors and the process of spinning to worry about what I'll make with it yet.

That's all the news I have for you today, darlings. It's time to go have lunch. I hope your weekend is sunny and glorious!

Quick Li'l Update...

2009-08-26T23:32:00.002-04:00

...because, aside from the shiny, new job, there's not much going on. The shiny new job is going well, though, for which I am grateful. I started Tuesday rather than Monday because there was a bit of chaos going on, but the extra day off suited me just fine. I love my shift, I get to sleep in and I'm still done at a reasonable hour. The lovely HR lady took me on a whirlwind tour of the facilities (the warehouse has rolls of bubble wrap bigger than me! i was considering removing one) and to meet everyone, whose names I promptly forgot.

Yesterday I got the basic training for the computer programs, and today I was listening to calls. I think they could tell I was getting a bit antsy, though, because I ended up taking calls for the second half of today. Normally, new hires listen in on phone calls without participating for at least two or three days before they go live on the phones. My regular supervisor and my night supervisor (i get two because my shift falls right between theirs. they're both pretty decent dudes, near as i can tell) both told me I did a good job, so perhaps there's hope for me. Maybe all those years of crappy customer service jobs were good for something, after all.

You know, I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow. I know that the happy shiny feeling will wear off soon. But I also know that I can be as happy here as I can be doing customer service. The company is good, the people are awesome (i laughed more at work today than i had in the last week), and the products are things I can sell with a clear conscience. Really, it's a good setup. I hope that the last couple of days of your week go by smoothly, and that you get to laugh with your boss a couple of times in there.

So Close, no Matter How Far...

2009-08-19T21:57:00.002-04:00

... couldn't be much more from the heart/forever trusting who we are/and nothing else matters" --Metallica (this is as close as jim and i get to having a song)

This post has been kicking around in my head for a while now, and I think it's time to let it out. In two weeks or so, Jim and I will have been dating for four years. In the space of these four years, we've been through more than some people go through in decades.

I don't talk about the very beginning of our relationship much, because it's complicated. I started dating Jim pretty quickly after I broke up with another guy that I'd been seeing for a few years. In all honesty, I started dating him for all the wrong reasons. I needed comfort, and Jim offered it. In the back of my mind, I had no idea that this would last very long, but it felt safe and good at the time.

So imagine my surprise, and my happiness, when this young man who I had simply liked, turned out to be a man that I could love, and a partner that I could count on. I've mentioned coming back to my parents' house from Reading, and the depression, the failures I dealt with. I'm not good at letting other people see me hurt, or letting other people in. But Jim wouldn't be pushed away, he refused to be left out. And that determination and unwavering support are a large part of the reason I am as whole and sane and balanced as I am today.

Jim is stubborn, and strong, and kind. He has a smile just for me that is so full of tenderness and love that I am carried away by it. Jim's mom raised him right, he's a gentleman. He can take anything with an engine apart, figure out what was keeping it from working, and put it all back together again without diagrams. He's a devious bastard when you play Scrabble against him, and he'll talk about his blue-collar upbringing til you think his family is a pile of hillbillies. He just doesn't want you to realize that he's got an amazingly analytical mind hiding under all that curly hair. Jim is the rock, the support that so many of his friends and family lean on. In an emergency, or even when there's a minor problem, Jim is the first person to get a call. He's cool and rational, and he surely doesn't want you to know that he's got a depth of feeling that would put poets to shame. He lives to fix things. He will go miles out of his way to pick up co-workers who need a ride, or to follow friends that might break down on the way home. He's funny, and vulgar, and has the gentlest hands. Jim's the friend that will be there to help change your tire, or to help you move in the city in August when he's only got one day off a week. He's got a soft spot for animals, and for kids in rough situations. He's learning to be social and to make small talk, and he's actually enjoying his efforts. Jim is--first, foremost, and above all--loyal. He won't hear someone speak ill of you, he won't ever betray you or let you down. And though Jim wouldn't like me to tell you this, he's forgiving, too. Not right away, and not before you have a good argument about something, but grudges are not for him.

From the day I found out about the alien spine baby, Jim was there to hold my hand. He would let me get all the fear and the worry out of my system, and calmly remind me that we would be okay. He went to every doctor's appointment and procedure with me, and he paid attention and asked the questions that I forgot to ask. He gave me my medications and fed me juice and soup, and was willing to leave me to wallow for just long enough before he made me get up and keep on going. When I needed a normal day, he made sure that's what we had. If I wanted an adventure, he hopped in the car with me. Jim's strength gave me courage. Even when we were discussing radiation therapy, it was a question of how we would handle it, not how I would deal with the situation. He consistently refused to admit that we couldn't handle whatever the outcome was. Jim actually went into a new job in the competitive market we're dealing with and told them he needed his third day of work off. The idea that he wouldn't wait through my surgery never even occurred to him. He drove for hours to see me while I was in the hospital, even though I was so drugged up I hardly knew he was there some nights.

Jim, you are not just a friend or a lover, or even some paltry boyfriend. You are my partner, my equal, my love. We're not two halves of one whole, but two complete people in our own right. Together, we're on hell of a pair. I am sure there will be fights, I know there will be more hard times, and I'll bet that we never get to be rich or famous. But I also know that we'll get past the fights and that we can handle the hard times. And I imagine we can get along just fine without ending up rich or famous. I am proud of us. I feel like we've grown up into some pretty decent people together, and that we're each better together than we would've been apart. We temper each other, and we play off our different strengths. And I couldn't replace you if I wanted to. Who else is this prepared for the zombie invasion?

Whew...

2009-08-10T11:48:00.002-04:00

...putting in two full eight-hour shifts in a row after eight weeks of not doing very much of anything is exhausting! I'm actually glad my boss gave me today off, I get a day to recover and rest a little bit before I go back into the fray. I'm trying to take it a little easy on myself, and I spent yesterday cheating and sitting on a filing cabinet at some points. I'm also more vocal about needing a break. The hour spent sitting recharging is pretty important these days. I put my notice in on Saturday, and my boss was surprised but not at all upset. On the one hand, it's good, because the next eight days of work will be relatively peaceful. On the other hand, I had a whole speech saved up about how I don't owe her or the company anything and how terrible they've been to me. And, in all honesty, a small part of me was sort of hoping that there would be a confrontation and I would get to be all dramatic and leave and not serve out said two weeks (yup, i am a terrible, horrible person).

I meant to have a picture to put here for you guys, since I went to Atlantic City (trashiest boardwalk in america, i love it!) with one of my Jersey Girls. Sadly, though, my camera has decided that this life is not good enough for it. Whenever I turn it on, the lens comes out, whirls around and makes unhappy 'eeeehhhhhhhhhhh" noises and goes back into the camera, which then gives me a pretty white screen that tells me there is a lens error. I'm pretty unhappy because I have taken better care of that camera than pretty much anything else I own. I've had it since December, and there is not a scratch on it, it's been treated with love and respect and cherished. And the silly thing decided to turn around and break on me. Thankfully, Momolla has the receipt (it was a christmas gift) and I'm going to see about returning it or getting it fixed for free.

Yesterday was one of those days where things start going wrong and you think, 'well, it can't get a whole lot worse' and then things turn around and they do get worse. The details are long and ranting, and we'll just say that the day included a broken dryer, a little more throwing up, a pile of wet, stinking clothes, dealing with my mean boss, my car randomly leaking in the torrential downpours, attitude from Mike, angry customers, and staying late at work, all in no particular order. Since the discovery of Laslow-Mitford, I have tried very hard to embrace a philosphy of not sweating the small stuff, of not being bothered by things I can't control. Yesterday, my philosophy was put to the test rather hard. Mostly, I passed. By the end of the day, I just wanted a hug and a big piece of chocolate. But I wasn't as stressed and angry as I used to be when I came home, which is a very good thing.

In confirmation of my decision to keep Jim around for a good long while, he managed to figure out what the dryer needed to stop being broken. He also ordered the part, because there is not a single store in our area that carries belts for dryer motors. So by Friday, I should have a dryer again. As Momolla says, a man who can fix things is a gem. He even made dinner last night because I was tired. It was boxed mac and cheese, but that was exactly what I wanted. If I had asked for steak, he would have driven to the store to get that for me. I am a lucky woman, to have a man who takes such good care of me and who indulges me whenever he can.

There's not a lot of other news to report to you, guys. Since I'm just starting to get back on my feet and out of the house, there's not a lot going on yet, and I can only put so many navel-gazing posts up. Here's hoping that your week goes smoothly and easily, and that you don't have any major electronic or appliance issues.

The Easy Part...

2009-08-01T15:45:00.004-04:00

...I'm starting to suspect there isn't one. But then, when is there ever? Still, I'm finally through the withdrawal and am feeling as close to normal as I have in a very long time. Thank you all for the concern about the drug issues. I didn't do my research before trying to stop taking the narcotics (turns out they're addictive. who knew?) and my doctor's office didn't give me a lot of information about weaning myself off of them (i suspect that they didn't think i'd really be off the drugs so quickly. ha!) and I pretty much just cut my doses down too far too fast. By the time I realized how bad it was, I spoke to my doctor and was told to just keep on keepin' on, that the only thing to really do was to finish getting the drug out of my system. And then, I ran out of pills (for narcotics, you have to have a paper prescription and the post office brough mine a few days too late). Let me just tell you, mostly cold turkey is not the way to go. Hopefully you'll never need to know that, though. One thing this taught me is that there's a world of difference between physical dependence and mental addiction. I didn't crave the pills, and didn't mentally notice their absence. But my, oh my, the body surely did. I will never again judge a person who's trying to break an addiction. Turns out, it's not just a matter of willpower. (eta for the people at americanmuscle.com: i had chest surgery in june, the narcotics that i was coming off of were prescription painkillers that were given to me by a doctor. i had a tough time coming off of them because i have never had to take anything so strong before, and i was on them for over a month.)

For the first time since February (and gods, that feels like a lifetime ago already), I feel more like me. I'm Emily, not just a person with a huge tumor, not a recovering patient. Just me, plain and simple. I still get tired more easily than I like, and I run out of breath faster than pleases me, but I look in the mirror and the only person looking back is me. I'm starting to feel restless, like I need to get out of the house and do things and see people and have adventures and start to live again... Just in time to go back to work in a week.

On the bright side, though, I will only be with the Pep Boys for two weeks. *drums roll, trumpets blare, and angels sing happily* As of August 24, 2009, I am an employee of americanmuscle.com, the same company that employs Jim. I'll work 10:30-7 M-F. No weekends, no holidays, no crazy early mornings. As far as jobs go, it's practically perfect. I can wear jeans and t-shirts and flip-flops to work. I get a regular, scheduled break every day. My schedule won't change at a moment's notice. The customers are, by and large, happy and easy to deal with (jim's biggest gripe is that his canadian customers are too nice. i feel for him). I'm so happy, I could dance and sing and giggle. Which, actually, has already been done in profusion.

For the first time in half a year, things feel like they're starting to fall into place. Unbelievably, we've made it. Through the uncertainty and fear and worry and heartache and frustration, I have never been alone. There is not one step of this journey that I've had to take by myself; you've been standing behind me, cheering me on and picking me up and dusting me off when I needed it. Looking back through old blog entries, I realized that I wrapped up just about every blog by mentioning how amazing you guys, my blog friends, are. I can't really say I made it, because this isn't something I would have been able to handle with any grace or steadiness by myself. I'm used to being the rock, the foundation. I'm not so used to leaning on others, using someone else as a touchstone. And I thank all the powers that be that, when I finally needed some good, strong pillars of my own, I had so very many to lean on. The worst is finally over, and I'm a little dented and scuffed around the edges. The remarkable thing, though, is that I am not broken. So, from the bottom of my little heart, thank you. For the love, support, laughter, care packages, unflagging positivity, and the continual comfort. You're fabulous, and I couldn't have made it through this insane year without you ladies.

Short one...

2009-07-15T17:26:00.002-04:00

...because I'm trying to wean myself off the Dilaudid I've been one for five or six weeks now, and it's not a fun process at all. I'm trying to hang in there, waiting to hear from my doctor's office to see if there are any tips or tricks that they know to help make the transition off the meds easier. I'm a lot less sore these days, and rather more mobile, but that's offset by the lovely headaches, the vomiting and intestinal complaints, and the charming depression and ennui I'm dealing with. Needless to say, I'm not at my very best. Thankfully, I have Jim to pat my hair while I'm throwing up two out of three meals (i'm sticking to liquids now, makes things less painful), and to make me Jello so that I can feel like I'm eating real food when I'm ravenous and to give me a kick in the ass and make me walk sometimes. What I really, really want, is to get to the part of this that's easy. I'm beginning to suspect that there is no easy part, even though the end of my recovery period is finally in sight (i go back to work august 8th. i will be off the narcotics, i will be moving like i used to. somehow...).

Anyway, my darlings, that's all I have for you today. I haven't been online much lately, so I thought I'd let you know I'm still hanging on.

Lazy Days...

2009-07-04T13:57:00.002-04:00

...are the only kind I've known of late, which is really quite all right by me. Thank you all for the support and the love and the bracing feedback on my last post. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and be patient, but well, sometimes you've just gotta have a good wallow.

I went in for a three-week checkup (has it really been that long already?) on Thursday, and I'm healing up pretty well. Physically, I'm where I should be, and everything I'm experiencing is normal. The exhaustion (when i mentioned that to my doctor, he definitely gave me a "duh" look and reminded me that i had had MAJOR SURGERY in big letters and that will make you tired), the appetite issues and mood swings and even a little depression are all totally normal. I'd suspected as much, but it's nice to be reminded that I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm a little more mobile, if I take my time and move slowly. And in a lot of ways, that's a good thing.

I tend to rush through life, and through most of my days, and it's a good thing to be forced to slow down and take my time with, well, everything. I put more care and more time into the things I do now, because I only have enough energy to do the things that really matter. And if they're worth doing while I'm healing, they're worth doing well. I'm also learning to pay more attention to my body and what it needs. It's never really failed me before, so I've just kind of taken it for granted that it would do what I wanted it to, and what I needed it to. Honestly, I never really thought much about what my body needed. I just moved along, doing what needed doing, and making my body comply. In a lot of ways, it wasn't so much a part of me, as it was a tool. There was a definite disconnect there, that I'm only now really seeing. And so I'm learning to be more aware, to listen and to be kind to my body. After all, it is me, and as such, it deserves a little consideration.

Jim and I headed down to New Jersey last night to see some fireworks with my family. It was wonderful to see everyone, and to just feel at least mostly normal. I met my cousin Maggie's friend, whose father is the kind doctor who helped me by finding me my amazing surgeon. That was pretty neat. And I got to spend a little time with my Jersey Girls. It was entirely unplanned, but we all ended up at the fireworks display that our old high school puts on every year. And so we talked and relaxed and saw some pretty fireworks (i'm as bad as the little kids. i oooh and aaah over every little sparkler, but fireworks just fill me with wonder) and had a lovely time. Physically, I was exhausted by the time we were home. But emotionally, I felt recharged and restored. I'm also starting to realize how important it is to me to see my girls and my family, and how comforting and refreshing it is. I always leave a visit tired, but peaceful.

And since today is Independence Day, I want to give thanks to everyone who has served the US, to everyone who is still serving, and to everyone who will make the choice to serve. Whether you be Army, Navy, Coast Guard, or Reserves, thank you. Whether you're a mechanic, a SEAL, an infantryman on the front line, or a supply clerk, thank you. Your courage, valor, strength, and committment honor us. And my deepest gratitude to the families of those who serve. You are just as courageous, just as strong as those who you love and support. As a country, we may not agree with the wars we're fighting, but we should always, always agree that our troops and their families deserve to be honored and remembered. Thank you.

I hope everyone, whether in the States or abroad, gets a long, lazy weekend with food and loved ones and sunshine. I think we all deserve it.

Bless me, Bloggers...

2009-06-25T23:08:00.003-04:00

...for I have sinned. Tonight, I committed the sin of envy. Hot, bitter, stinging envy. Let me set the stage a little. You might have noticed, but I'm a little, um, proud. I know, big shock, right? I hate to admit that I can't do something, or to ask for help or special treatment. But, I'm learning to be smarter than that and to ask for help. So tonight when Jim and I went to the movies, I asked him to drop me off at the door. The parking lot is vast, and since I'm having trouble just making it up or down my stairs these days, I knew I'd never make the trip through the parking lot. Jim, being sweet and wonderful, was entirely okay with it. It helps that I bought his ticket. And after the movie, we waited for the huge crowd of people to leave before Jim helped me totter down the theater stairs (i hate those stairs, with the staggered long and short steps. regular steps are hard enough, but those are horrid) and went to get the car to pick me up at the doors while I used the bathroom.

And this is where the envy comes in. I tottered into the bathroom, leaning over and nursing my side, walking all slowly and carefully. And as soon as I walk in, I see her. There's the pretty, tall, leggy blonde at the sinks, fixing her hair in the mirror. She's standing up straight and tall and she's moving like she's pretty and she knows it. She was wearing wedges and short shorts and some cute little summery top (it's finally warm enough to wear that, outside the theater. i gotta say, inside the theater, it was freezing. like, the ice in your drink doesn't even melt cold) and she was working it. And I won't belittle her for how she was dressed, or for how she carried herself. Girlfriend was working it. And so she should have been. But oh, I was jealous. Hunched over, moving like an old woman, I was jealous.

See, I used to be the girl at the mirror. I used to stop and check my hair out and secretly think that those heels I had on made my legs look long and skinny and toned. Tonight, I just washed my hands and shuffled down the long corridor to wait for Jim. I miss being the girl at the mirror. I miss standing up straight and thinking that I'm feeling mighty fine. Lately, I just feel old and sad and kinda sorry for myself. I hate that. I hate whining to Jim. He's sweet and pretends like he's not tired of hearing me tell him how sore I am or how tired I am after a long, tiring day of not doing anything.

I feel like I've been backsliding a little the last few days. I understand, mentally, that my body was healing up at an amazing rate. And that my poor, battered body can only sustain that rate of healing for so long. I get that, I do. And I know that I need to be gentle with myself, and to be patient. That this is a process that is going to take time, and isn't going to be fun or easy. But emotionally, I know that just climbing the stairs to the bedroom or walking a couple hundred feet down the block is exhausting. And it wasn't this bad a couple of days ago. I wasn't this tired, this frail. Logically, I know that I can already breathe better, now that my lung has re-expanded. Emotionally, not being able to breathe deep, deep down any more scares me. I get out of breath, and I can't grab big deep lungfuls of air. My chest just won't move far enough yet. So I use all my self-control and I try to breathe in nice, regulated rhythms so I don't hyperventilate and pass out. And it still scares me. Not having enough air, feeling like you're suffocating with nothing near your face, is a horrible sensation. Fighting it, being rational and knowing that it will pass, is scary as hell.

I'm strong, I'm tough as hell, and I'm going to get through this and be well again. But sometimes, like tonight, I just wish, for a few minutes, I could go back to how I was before any of this insanity started. Ignorance was bliss. Or I wish I could fast-forward to August or September, when I can have those big, heaving lungfuls of air, when I can suck air down as greedily as anyone who's been holding their breath for six long, long months. I wish I could get past the scary, hard parts that are taking so much life out of me and making me feel so old so very, very fast, and just move right through them. I wish I could cut to a time where people don't need to reassure me, or ask how I'm doing, because they can all tell that I'm all right. A time when I can run, and move, and laugh, and simply hug someone without them handling me like I'm made of china. Knowing that those days are coming, that it's only a matter of months, of weeks, really... That's what keeps me from losing all hope. That's what keeps me moving forward, what makes me keep shuffling on Jim's arm to the end of the block every night before bed. Because one day, not too far down the road, I'm going to look back at this, and I'm going to be proud of me.

And that's way, way more than I'd planned to share with y'all. But you've been with me from the start on this, and I suppose there's no sense holding back now. I don't mean to make you worry, I'm monitoring my physical condition, and if things get too bad, I will contact my doctor. I have a follow-up scheduled for next week, where I'll discuss my progress with them. In the mean time, it's definitely time for a nap before my next pain pills. I hope the weekend goes smoothly for you all, and that you get some of the sun we're finally getting to see.

A Little Belated...

2009-06-22T16:26:00.002-04:00

This post was meant to go up yesterday, but due to a spotty Internet connection, didn't make it up until today. Yesterday was Father's Day here in the states, and I wanted to take some time to honor my dad.

My dad taught me about perseverance, no matter what the odds, the frustration levels, or what others thought. He also taught me that it's sometimes only a hairsbreadth from stubborn, but that sometimes, stubborn is a good thing.

Everything I know about hard work, I learned from my dad. He's done everything in his power to support his family, working all hours at any job that would help pay the bills. There is no job that is "beneath" anyone. Honest work, no matter what it is, is honest work. And that's something to be proud of.

Dad taught me how cool tools are, and how empowering it is to be able to take something apart and put it back together again. Especially if you can do it with the same number of parts you started out with.

Dad taught me about integrity and respect. Integrity, doing the right thing rather than the easy thing, is never a choice with him. If it's right, it's what you do. You don't take shortcuts or the low road or the easy way out. And you earn respect, and work for it. And once it's earned, you keep working to make sure that you keep it.

Everything I know about using humor as a coping mechanism, I learned from my dad. He calls himself god's cat toy, and it might well be true (though i feel like i give him some competition for the title). But he laughs about it and carries on. He won't let circumstances drag him down, and he won't pass up any opportunity for a joke. Or a really terrible pun.

Goodness knows we had a pretty rocky relationship at some points. But I always, always knew that Dadumms was there for me. I know he wishes for a son every now and again, but I have never felt as though he loved me less for being a girl. I grew up in a house surrounded by love on all sides, and Dadumms is a big part of that. So, although it should have been said yesterday, happy Father's Day. I love you, Dadumms. I'm proud of you, and so glad that we're not just a father and daughter, but friends, as well.

Home at last...

2009-06-17T11:04:00.002-04:00

...as of yesterday, but I was too wiped out to blog. Momolla and Dadums came to pick me up from the hospital at noon, and after an uncomfortable ride home (bumps hurt. a lot. our highways are not paved well around here), Momolla got me some pain meds and Coll fed me some soup. And then, wonder of wonders, I took a nap. For three whole, entire, delicious hours, I slept in my own bed. Nobody came in to ask me if I'd had anything to drink, or to check my vital signs or to poke me or prod me or ask embarassing questions about my many bodily functions. I just slept. Three hours was more consecutive sleep than I'd gotten all week, and friends, it was lovely.

After I woke up, I spent a little time with the parents before they headed home. Momolla made a great chicken soup for dinner for us. Having been on a liquid diet for so long, I'm trying to get myself back onto a regular diet again slowly, rather than gorging and paying for it later. And since my appetite's not that great, it's working out pretty well.

I caught sight of myself in the mirror last night as Jim was helping me take a sort-of shower (couldn't get the dressings from the chest tube wet, but I needed to clean myself up some. a week of sponge baths is too much for any person to take) and friends, I look like I lost a fight. I'm pale and have dark shadows under my eyes and I'm covered in bruises and punctures. The incision itself is looking relatively good, the skin is mostly closed. But it's longer around the side than I'd expected. There's a lot of soreness there, which is to be expected. I got spoiled on the epidural, it made everything nice and numb so that I felt a lot better then than I do now.

Still, the soreness will fade, and I'll step down further off the pain meds. The stuff I'm on now is a narcotic, and I don't like it much. It makes thing seem pretty surreal. And I have very vivid, very strange dreams on these pills. Plus, they make me very sleepy. Much as I'd like to spend the rest of the week sleeping, I need to get up and move some, too, otherwise my poor, abused muscles get really sore. I'll try to find a balance between the best of both worlds.

I also need to try to find something to do. I have trouble concentrating (this blog is taking way longer than it should, and it's more disjointed than i like), and I fall asleep easily. So knitting is out, spinning is out, reading is out (unless it's smut, but i can only read so many bodice-rippers), and watching anything with a plot on tv is out. I think I'll probably end up watching free cable movies, since they're all pretty bad, and they don't require much in the way of my attention. Either that, or I'll find some mindless internet game.

Jim's mom is here with me til the end of the week, or til Monday, we haven't really decided yet. It's nice to know I have someone to babysit and take care of me, but at the same time, I wish I had the place to myself. I have been surrounded by people hell-bent on doing things for me and taking care of me for way longer than I am comfortable with, and I can't help but think how nice it will be when I can send everyone home and just take care of myself. At least I have privacy here, and this afternoon I can take a real shower again. I'm getting my life back, a few pieces at a time.

Jim looked at me last night and said, "Hey, you know what? It's over." and I just about cried. It is almost over, finally. After all the months of worry and stress and testing and pain, we're nearly through it. What a relief. Jim said he was proud of me, for the way I've handled this whole situation. I'm not sure he's got any reason to be, I handled it in the only way I knew how, with humor. And I'll say it one more time, because it bears repeating. Without my support network of friends and family and even strangers cheering me on, I couldn't have done this. If I've handled any of this mess with a degree of grace or humor, it's because I could lean on you all. And especially Jim. Through all of this, he has been a source of strength and comfort and love that I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I picked me a good one in him, that much is certain.

It feels like this is the turning point of the year. Jim has a job, I'm healing, and things are starting to look up. I know in my heart that life is a cycle, there are down times and up times. I'm just so glad to feel like we're moving up out of the mud towards the sun at long last. And you know, when I start babbling about philosophy, it's time to sign off. Hope the rest of your week goes well, friends.

Ta-DAAAAA!!!

2009-06-12T23:55:00.004-04:00

I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. I'm feeling pretty battered and sore, but mostly pretty normal, which is good. I'd hoped to blog before now, but the internet connection here at the hospital ended up being a bit spotty. The web access is free, but you pay for use of a phone or tv, how strange is that setup? I'm on some lovely, heavy-duty pain meds, so this will be kind of brief, since I tend to drop off at odd moments. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing okay, and that the surgery went as well as it could possibly have.

I know Momolla has posted the photo-shopped version of Laslow-Mitford, but the tech department at the hospital gave me some lovely, graphic photos of the tumor in-site and after removal, so if anybody is interesting in some gooey, disgusting pictures of a reallyreally big tumor, just send word. We can hook you up.

There was a minor complication with the surgery, which was not at all surprising with the extent to which they opened my rib cage. Apparently, a lymph line or somesuch (it carries fluid called chyle, but every time they explain it, i'm on meds, so i may or may not have this right) was nicked during the operation. Because of that, the fluid coming from my chest tube is plentiful and extra gross. I've been switched off of food and put on a fat-free clear liquid diet (mmmm, everything tastes like cardboard), which is frustrating since I'm hungry, but an improvement over the last two days when I was only allowed to have water. It looks like I'm improving already, and if things keep going this well, I'll be able to eat and have most of my various tubes removed on Monday or Tuesday, and go home pretty soon.

I'm feeling pretty well, all things considered. There's a lot of swelling and itching going on (being allergic to medical tape is so awful. i'm covered in the stuff), and there's a lot of healing going on so fast, it's almost visible. I get out of bed on my own to do laps around the floor every day, and I'm able to go further and further every time I go out. I've had plenty of people come by who are exactly the right kind of visitors, they stay and chat until my eyelids start drooping, and then they leave so I can sleep. Jim hardly gets to see me, since he works so much, but he's here as often as he can be. The drugs tend to creep up on me and knock me out as I'm doing something every few hours, so I slept through most of today's visit, which I felt terrible about.

I hope this weekend finds you all in a place of peace and comfort and joy. And if nothing else, that you're allowed to eat through it!

eta: because i forgot to mention this earlier (morphine makes me confused), the staff here is amazing. everyone is friendly and caring and sweet, and they like me as much as i like them (it's good to be low-maintenance sometimes). i know there have been offers to break knees or provide alibis and all manner of other wonderful methods of handling the folks here if need be, but believe me, they're great. seriously, i think you have to graduate nice school to be allowed to work here. that was all i meant to add. please, carry on with the weekend.

Crunch Time

2009-06-05T09:48:00.002-04:00

Only two more full days stand between me and what I have come to think of as The Surgery. I explain to people what's going to happen and why and their eyes get all big. And then I tell them it's a good thing, and that this is the end of a long, scary journey. And their eyes get even bigger. And they tell me they could never be this calm. Or smile when they're talking about their chest getting ripped open.

And well, here's my confession. I'm not exactly scared of The Surgery. But I'm intimidated. It's one thing to know intellectually that I have two of the very best surgeons my part of the country can offer. And to know that they're competent and amazing and considered some of the very best at what they do. And to know that this is going to hurt and suck a lot, but will be over soon. It's an entirely different thing to feel that anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I'm aware that the odds of anything catastrophic happening are minute, and that my chances of recovering even faster than they think I will are pretty good. But I'm still intimidated. I don't have a good way to describe it, really. Fear feels different. Fear is when there's a big angry dude who's yelling at you in the parking lot after the store closed and you're the only one around and it's dark in a bad part of town (this has happened once. i take great care not to leave the store alone at night if i can possibly help it). This is more like when there's a big, angry dude who thinks that I, personally, broke his car and is yelling about it during the day with lots of people around. I know full well how things will go, and that there won't be any damage (to me or to his ego), but it's still tough to face the big angry dude down and hold your ground. See what your brain can spit out when you worry at a thing too long?

And in the interest of distracting me, Momolla, Dadumms, Jim (probably) and I are going to an alpaca (paccy, in australian) fest in Jersey on Sunday. I can't wait to see the fuzzies! If I ever win the lottery, I've decided I want an alpaca farm. I have it all planned out, and Jim is already onboard. I'd figured on spending the day cleaning to keep myself busy and because it'll make me happy to know that I will come home to a clean house after the hospital. Instead, I'm going to get all that mess out of the way today and tomorrow around work so that I can spend Sunday spinning and relaxing and visiting the fuzzies! It sounds like the weather will be dry and decent for the first time in a week, so I'm looking forward to getting out of the house for something other than work.

This might be my last post for a couple of weeks, since I may or may not get teh interwebs while I'm in the hospital. Blogs will be updated, as will facebook statuses and phone calls will be made. Thank you all one more time for sharing this adventure with me, and for all the love and friendship and support. It's great to know I'm never alone in this.

I'm Amazed...

2009-06-02T09:48:00.002-04:00

We had a great turnout for the beef and beer on Saturday. It felt like a lot of work from my end, and all I did was wander around and mingle and hug people and say thank you. I can only imagine how Amy and Laura, who organized it, must have felt. Not to say the day wasn't fun, it was a blast. I just left feeling very, very drained. The interesting thing is the assortment of people that came out to visit and donate and say hello; it was quite the cross-section of my life. Some of my sorority sisters were there, my Jersey Girls and their parents (some of whom I hadn't seen in years), some of Dadumm's sisters (who I also hadn't seen in a very, very long time), and a group of people that I went to school with. Much as I complained about growing up in a small town when I was younger, there is a great sense of community there. And through everyone's generosity, we raised enough money that I was able to pay three months worth of rent and car insurance, and I still have enough money to buy groceries and gas and pay my utility bills. I know money can't buy happiness, but it can get you peace of mind, which is not too far off sometimes. Knowing that my bills will get paid is a huge weight off my mind, and the stress levels around here have dropped a lot.

This whole experience has been scary and stressful and has, frankly, sucked. But it's been a lot easier to get through than it could have been, because I have had an absolutely amazing group of people cheering me on from the start. All the support, the prayers, and the warmth I've received have been a huge comfort to me. It's only because of you all that I've been able to handle this with any degree of grace or sanity. There are people in places I have never even seen that are thinking good thoughts and sending me prayers, and hope and virtual hugs, and that amazes and humbles me. Someone recently commented on Ravelry that knitters are not actually nicer than any other group, but can be even crueler. That may be the case for her, but I have been surrounded by so much kindness and warmth and love from so many knitters that I can't help but think she's wrong. You have all been a wonderful comfort and a source of strength and humor. I will never look back on the last several months fondly, but I will be able to look back with wonder and awe.

And there is one person that I need to thank specifically, and from the very bottom of my little heart. Roxie, I can't thank you enough for the cards and presents. I love presents and surprises, especially when I don't know they're coming. You've been so generous and so sweet, and you've made me laugh to the point where I almost feel like I'm celebrating something. A thousand thank you's to you, for all your incredible kindness and warmth (figurative and literal, the comforter really lives up to the name. and it lives on my bed. i wake up and see the little alien friends and smile every morning). Working where I do, I tend to not see humanity at anything approaching its best, and it's so refreshing to be reminded in such a personal way that actually, everybody does not suck. In fact, some people rock out.

And while the love is being spread, there are a few other folks I want to say thanks to. Bells, RoseRed, Galad/Nancy, Monique, you guys are amazing. You've all got busy lives and we live across the world (or country, as the case may be) from each other, but you all take the time to let me know that you're thinking of me and pulling for me. The love and humor you all send keeps me hopeful and gives me strength. And I'm entirely convinced that the only reason this thing is benign is because there are so many people sending good thoughts to me. You've all got my deepest thanks for being there for me, and for being part of my blog family. As Jim would say, you guys are win.

All my Life's a Circle...

2009-05-27T23:47:00.002-04:00

...and I can't tell you why. But some good things are starting to happen, finally. We're moving towards the up part of the cycle, for which I am grateful. For a while, I was wondering if there was an up side to be found.

Jim's been hired to work for americanmuscle.com, a company that sells performance Mustang parts over the phone. He'll get his own cubicle, make fair money, and work good hours. He's excited, and I am, too. This sounds like it'll be a good opportunity for Jim, and a decent place to work, too. Jim's glad to be done searching, too. He's been trying really hard to stay positive, but I can tell he was worried. They're even fine with Jim taking his fourth of fifth day off of work to be at the hospital on the 8th. The only down side to that is that I'll be spending a lot of time after my operation at the house alone, but I have some friends who will come up and get me juice and remind me to eat.

Speaking of the surgery, I'm a bit frustrated. Because I have two surgeons, I have to sign two sets of consent paperwork. I have to drive to Philadelphia, at least a forty minute drive, to wait an hour or so to see my doctor, to spend fifteen minutes confirming that yes, I know what's going to happen and signing paperwork. It has to be done in person, in the doctor's office, or they won't operate on me. I understand the need to cover themselves legally, but well, I know what this operation entails. I know that it's a serious thing, and I know what the possibilites are. I have already signed off on this, and it just frustrates me to have to waste and entire morning sorting out two pages of paperwork. Weren't computers supposed to make paperwork a thing of the past?

Work has been pretty rough, too, since I'm just being reminded why I hate my job so much. Still, I only have a few days left to deal with all the drama and all the angry people, and then I have eight weeks to worry about other things and get ready to look for a new job again. I can make it! I'm trying to keep using Tylenol to take the edge off of my chest pain while I'm at work, but it's just not doing the trick. My doctor's office gave me something new to try, and I don't think I'm a fan. It still makes me dizzy, and it left me hungover this morning, since I took some not too long before bed last night. I'm trying to control the pain as well as I can, since Melissa the intrepid nurse tells me that if your pain isn't under control before an operation, it's much more difficult to control afterwards.

It makes me a little sad that I've learned so much about pain lately. It has its own language, its own set of rules. You have to learn to talk about your pain, to analyze it. Is it throbbing? Stabbing? Pulsing? How long does it last? Are there triggers? How does it rate? Doctors and nurses ask you continually about pain, they tell you not to be brave or to tough it out. To admit that you hurt and how you hurt. I never make a secret of it when I'm in pain, but it's still strange to talk about pain, to get to know it, to recognize it as part of you. Something about all that makes me feel old.

It's getting a little late, and I should get to sleep soon so I'm rested up for another long day tomorrow. I hope the last couple of days between you and the weekend go quickly and smoothly.

In Memory...

2009-05-26T00:21:00.002-04:00

...because it was, after all, Memorial Day. And while it's been turned into the first official beach weekend of the summer, and a consumer sales orgy, and an extended weekend, it is still about remembering. Remembering the roughly 4,300 people who have died in the last six years in Iraq. The roughly 1,1oo people who have died in Afghanistan. The countless others who died in Vietnam, in Europe, in Korea, in America, even. We should remember, and we should celebrate them. These people, whether they chose to or not, died for us, for our country, and for our freedom. And all so very many of us do is pack a cooler and sit in the sun. This is a day to be grateful, to enjoy the freedom to ignore the significance. But each of us living here, each of us who can speak freely or who can congregate peacefully, or who can expect a fair trial and believe as we choose, we should be grateful. I hope wherever you are, whatever you do today to celebrate, that you take a moment to realize the enormity of the sacrifice that has gone into our country. These people are gone, but we should never forget. They have helped shape us and protect us. They, not the generals nor the strategists, are the heroes. So, to whomever of you has lost someone, my condolences, and my deepest thanks. I'll hold you in my prayers tonight.

Official Surgery Date!!!

2009-05-21T14:46:00.002-04:00

And it's the early one, too! I'm not sure what kind of favors my doctor called in to score the 8th for me, and I may not care to know, but I'm glad, all the same. I'm going into surgery wayyy early on June 8th.

I'm trying to go back to work for the next two weeks, but according to my boss the business is slow and there may not be hours for me. She's checking on some things for me, but I'm not holding my breath. Looks like I might be looking for a new job once I'm recovered. I'll deal with the work drama as it comes, though. I'm trying hard not to borrow trouble. I have enough to worry about as it is, no?

That's about all the news I have for you guys right now, I just wanted to keep you all posted on the medical front.

Waiting sucks...

2009-05-18T14:02:00.002-04:00

...Since my doctor still can't tell me when my surgery is actually scheduled for. At this point, we've narrowed it down to either the 8th of June or the 29th. Good times, friends. As soon as I find out, which will hopefully be this week, I'll contact my boss and make arrangements to come back to work for a couple of weeks or a month. I can't afford to be without the income, and there's no reason for me not to go back, at least physically now. Apparently, the major holdup for Melissa, my surgeon's amazing, intrepid nurse, is booking an operating room. Thoracic rooms are special (and crazyfish high-tech. seriously, it's oddly comforting to get wheeled into such a complicated-looking place for surgery) and since we have to do the surgery at a different branch of the hospital to accommodate the neurosurgeon, who we'll probably only need for about ten minutes of the darned procedure, things are complicated. Man, I can't do anything the easy way.

In the mean time, my back is hurting increasingly often, and the twinges in my side are becoming more frequent. I'm only allowed to take low-grade pain killers, and Laslow-Mitford laughs at my Tylenol. When I spoke to my surgeon last, he mentioned that the nerves this tumor is wrapped around are going to be removed. Thankfully, they're sensory nerves, and so I'll have all my usual motor skills and there's no real risk to that. The concern I have is that they're not sure how removing these nerves will affect me. These nerves control a strip of my chest from my armpit to about halfway down my ribs, and there are a couple of possibilities. I could end up numb. There are different types of numbness, from total lack of feeling, to the tingling, uncomfortable type of numbness. The other option is that I could end up in pain. Basically, my back and side may never stop bothering me, and may only get worse. Since the pain has been debilitating a few times already, I'm truly not looking forward to that. But, I'm crossing my fingers, because all of these are only possible outcomes. There's no way to find out what will actually happen until after the surgery.

The other thing I found out is that I'm definitely going to have a frontal incision. What this means is that the incision is going to start a few (maybe two to four) inches below my neck and continue about halfway down my ribs and wrap around to my side. My sternum will be cracked (i get pins to hold me together, jim's jealous, he thinks it's the first step to me becoming bionic) and I will have a lovely, charming scar straight down my chest.

I'm of two minds about my future scar. I know it's frivolous to worry about, but pondering the cosmetic aspects keeps me from worrying about waking up with not one, but two full-sized chest tubes (that was the worst part of the first operation, those things hurt quite a bit), or the possibility that I'll need a second operation (because my lung has been squished for so long, there could be a layer of scar tissue built up that will have to be removed. the removal may happen at the same time, or it may happen later. either way, this will suck quite hard, and require longer use of chest tubes.) or any of the dozen other worries I have. Vanity is much more fun. Much, much more fun.

So, the future scar. I was rooting for a backal incision (that's the technical term, so far as i'm concerned), since that would be easier to keep covered while it heals. On the one hand, I have definitely earned any and all scars I take away from this. They're battle scars, and I'm strangely proud of that. On the other, ewwww! Big ugly scar right on my chest. I'm a moderately attractive young woman. Finding any kind of shirt that will cover me up to the neck without making me look like I'm either being pretentious about my modesty, old, or has a turtleneck (i have a thing about tight stuff around my neck. it makes me flail) can be pretty difficult. And I'm not in the market to make my own clothes. I've decided that I'm going to treat myself to another tattoo, when I get my tax return next year or if I find a decent job before then. It'll be pretty ambitious, and I may drag Momolla out with me, but there's no way to make it cover my whole chest attractively. See, I'm going to get a tree of life, with the words I am never broken down by the roots, and the branches reaching up, hopefully covering the scar. It'll be off-center, more on my side than on my back, really, and I'm kind of excited about that. And a little wary, because I had never really planned on a large-scale tattoo before. And so, I'm opening this up for discussion. If it were your body and your scar, how would you treat it? Would you wear it with pride? Cover it up? Act like it wasn't there?

And that, my darlings, is about all I have to offer you today. I'm all anxious about when I'll hear from my surgeon, so there's nothing else of note going on, except for whatever is eating the leaves on my beans. When I find it, whatever it is, I will kill it. Dammit, something in my garden is going to grow and produce if it kills me and all the neighbors!

Tentative Surgery Date...

2009-05-07T23:11:00.002-04:00

...I'm scheduled for the 26th, since it will be an all day cut-o-rama of fun for my surgeon. Because of the type of tumor this is (totally benign! i love saying that!) there may be some spinal involvement. So, I might need a neurosurgeon to tag-team with my thoracic surgeon. The surgery will probably take even longer then, but the recovery time will still be the same. I'm aiming for the shortest recovery time ever. I'm one of their youngest patients, that dream doesn't seem too far out of reach to me. I should have a definite date by Monday or Tuesday, so I can start getting things planned and ready to go. How weird is it, I'm looking forward to this surgery like some people look forward to a vacation? I'm double-excited for it, because this is pretty much definitely the cause of the back pain I've been dealing with for so long. Once the alien spine baby is gone, so is the back pain. Plus, breathing again! How cool will 100% lung capacity be? And laughing without coughing when I'm done. Right. That's enough enthusiasm for a week-long hospital stay and a six or seven hour procedure.

One of my Jersey girls, Amy, is planning and hosting a beef and beer event for me. We've got the 30th tentatively set as the date, which means I more than likely won't be there. But hey, that ups the sympathy factor and that means maybe people will be more inspired to donate and help a sister out, right? Roxie very kindly sent over a pair of lovely scarves and a willie warmer (plus a book and some other great presents. man, she's awesome!) Momolla is knitting a shawl, Amy's sister will probably donate some gorgeous earrings, I'm going to whip out some scarves (staying home constantly has me bored to the point of eating my own hair, but it's done wonders for the knitting productivity.) Kate is knitting a couple of evening bags for me and might yet get a landscape done, too. Her friends are going to chip in, too, with some shirts and some art. Jim's dad knows the owner of a bar, who volunteered to shut her facility down for a few hours for us on a weekend, and will cover the cost of all the food we serve. It's incredibly generous, and it means that pretty much everything we make will be profit, which is double cool because profit equals rent and utilities and medical bills for me. My insurance company is swearing I never sent the my paperwork saying this is NOT a pre-existing condition (seriously? do they think i'd just let the alien spine baby chill for a year or two if i knew about it?) and are refusing to pay my hospital bills now. I have to re-file the paperwork, figure out what I owe to whom, and generally make more phone calls than should be necessary.

And yet, none of the paperwork or the phone calls seems like such a hassel, really. I don't have anything else to do. Jim and I talked about it today, and it's just not worth me going back to work for two weeks and then going on leave of absence again (the paperwork wouldn't be done in time, anyway, with the way my boss operates). For one thing, I don't trust my boss to not abandon me by myself for hours on end, which would be bad. I'm not as nappish as I have been, but I tire easily and I need to take breaks from whatever it is I'm doing pretty frequently and I just don't see that happening at work. Plus, working anything less than forty hours would screw up my benefits and that would go poorly. And I'm not up to a full forty-hour week yet. So, I get a vacation of sorts. I'm using the time to knit like a fiend and to spin. I'm starting an Etsy shop so I can have some sort of income, and so that I have something to do with the long, flat things I keep knitting (as a wise knitter pointed out, patterns should be avoided while you're on narcotics. damn, i'm off the narcotics, and i still can't count to two consistently).

In other news, my grandfather (dadums' dad) died a few days ago (he was 93, it wasn't exactly a shock). That makes me sad, but only for Dadums. I've never met my grandfather, so I can't pretend to mourn the man. Somehow, though, that makes me sad. I've always regretted not knowing my exteded family very well, and now I'll never have the chance to know my grandfather. And speaking of family members I'm not close to, one of Momolla's cousins has pancreatic cancer. I'm sketchy on the details, but it's pretty advanced. As I understand it, she's at the point where all they can do is make her comfortable for whatever time she has left. My heart hurts for my Aunt Joan, who's been a grandmother to me, and who I'm sure is hurting, knowing that she'll outlive a child. Her relationship with my cousin has been a bit strained for a while now, but in the end, it's still her child who's hurting and sick. I can't imagine that kind of pain.

So, yeah, my family's been getting a little roughted up on lately. Still, we're resilient enough for humor. Just today, I told Kate she should look into a bubble (kind of like a hamster ball, how much fun would that be?) because the Kifferley family genes aren't kind these days. And Momolla, gracious as ever (hi mom!) was teasing me about her good health. She pointed out that she's made it to fifty with relatively few health issues to handle. I told her that was the kind of talk that warranted an alien baby attack. She refused to be intimidated.

And that's all the news that isn't here at Lake Royersford. Here's hoping that your weekend goes smoothly and gently, and that you get sunshine and the sound of children laughing and bossing each other around. We had about ten minutes of that today before the clouds came back out, I'm hoping for some sun this weekend, or I might turn into a mushroom.

At Least it Sounds Sexy...

2009-05-04T16:04:00.002-04:00

...it being the sadly mis-named alien lung baby. Yes, friends, the alien lung baby is actually an alien spine baby. Laslow-Mitford is something called a schwannoma, which is a growth of the cells that make up the myelin sheath, which has something to do with nerves. I'm waiting to hear more from my doctor, so I don't have a very technical grasp of it yet, but this is good news. Very good news. Schwannomas are generally treated with surgery, at the worst I'll be looking at brief general radiation treatments.

Full post when I know more, which should be later tonight or tomorrow. I just wanted to keep you guys all updated. Jim, Coll, and I are heading out to have some ice cream to celebrate. Finally, a conclusion!

Just an Any Old Kind of Day...

2009-04-26T21:30:00.002-04:00

...that's what today was, and it was glorious. Jim's dad came up to help with the yard some today and they tilled and clipped and deliberated and got some of the ground ready for my happy little vegetable seedlings. I actually managed to plant my strawberries today, it was such a fabulous day and I was feeling pretty spry. Granted, now I'm feeling pretty tired, but it was worth it. I've been using the pain meds less and less frequently, which is a good sign. I still walk like an old lady, all hunched over and slow, but I can walk now. I keep trying to forget that this was the little surgery and that after the big one, Ima be in some serious trouble. Just behaving myself over the last couple of days has been tough.

I'm officially on leave from work now, and I've been living like a house cat (my goal for my next life, coming back as a kitty. they really have it good), just eating and napping and having Jim see to my every whim and desire. I have to say, it doesn't suck. At all. My new goal may be to become a kept woman, hehe. The only down side to this is that the government doesn't offer any assistance to people who have any kind of short term disability (less than a year) or who aren't expected to die from their issues. Gotta love the government and all those silly rule things... So we're being pretty frugal here. I could've gone back to work for about two days, but the extra stress and drama are so not worth it to me. Besides, I do occasionally work with machinery, and me on meds and machinery do not mix at all well. Me on meds and anything isn't really a good mix, but that can't be helped.

Thank you all again for the good wishes, and the hugs and warmth. I should have some test results this week, hopefully by Friday at the latest, and I will let you all know. Jim has indeed been amazing, and it makes me smile to tell him that other people agree with me. All the care and tenderness and sweetness are just second-nature to him, at least when it comes to me. I couldn't ask for a better partner, truly. He amazes me every day.

And now, dear friends, I think it's time for me to go. I feel another nap coming on.

I am Never Broken...

2009-04-23T13:39:00.002-04:00

... even when there are a couple of holes in me. As Momolla mentioned, we don't have good news from the procedure on Tuesday. Still, we don't have much news at all, so that's not necessarily a terrible thing. Basically, the lining around my lung looks healthy, which is a good sign, but the alien lung baby is also chilling right up on my spine, which is a less good thing. It's still removable, the doctors just want to be completely, totally sure they know exactly what it is before they go in and remove it now, since it could affect my spinal column. Momolla's pretty upset about this, and I think Dadumms was a little worked up, too, but Jim and I are taking this all in stride. Perhaps it's because we've been living the nightmare firsthand for so much longer, who knows? But at this point, I'm not even really all that surprised that the first round of tests from the procedure wasn't definite. None of the other procedures have come back with a definitive answer, it doesn't seem too unreasonable that this one wouldn't, too. The exact nature of Laslow-Mitford has been pretty difficult to pin down from the first.

I'm in a fair amount of pain, since there are a couple of holes in my side and back, but I've got some decent medicine to take the edge off. I'm trying to get up and moving when I can, and to eat and drink as frequetly as possible, since the meds make you nauseous on an empty stomach.
Through all of this, Jim has been amazing. He was there when I woke up from the procedure and he stayed as long as he was allowed (he said at one point, i looked up and asked him "will you stay with me and hold my hand" and it just about broke his heart. i was on reallllly good drugs and have no memory of this.) and fed me ice chips when I surfaced from the drugs and held my hand and basically was there. I can't tell you how comforting his presence was. He has tended me gently and thoughtfully since we came home yesterday. He reminds me to take all my pills, even the gross ones, he lets me lean on him when I need to stand up or sit down or otherwise move. He brings me ice chips and cleans up the puke in the trashcan and helps me get washed (no shower til tomorrow night. ick!) and reaches things for me and is sweet and wonderful and without him to lean on, I would be in deep, deep trouble.

We're waiting about another week for the latest test results, and as soon as I have them, I will share them. I'll try to keep you guys updated as I can. Thanks so much for all the good wishes and the hugs. Hopefully, I'll be more present online this week, as I wean myself of the pain pills. For the moment, I babble and I'm sleepy all the time, so not everything I post may make sense.

Surgery Date...

2009-04-17T00:59:00.004-04:00

...Tuesday, the 21st at about six am. I met with my surgeon today, and a couple of other friendly doctor-type folk, and the game plan is to start with a small surgery that can potentially become a big surgery. Basically, even after all this time and all these tests, we still can't be sure whether this is a sarcoma or not. The chances are still really small, but because sarcomas shed cells, there's a pretty high chance of a recurrence if it's not treated properly the first time. So, come Tuesday, I'm going to be put to sleep and my doctor will put a couple of holes in me and jam a camera in my chest to look at the lining around the lung. If the pleura (lung lining) looks clear and healthy, and the chunk they're biopsying (biopsy while you wait, i guess they took me seriously when i mentioned i was heartily pissed about the last one) tests negative, the nice surgeon will go ahead and cut me open and scoop the tumor out. If it is cancer, I get put back together and will go through five or six weeks of radiation treatment five days a week for an hour a day. Fun times! The weird thing is that I won't know what's going on until I wake up. Jim and my parents and his mom will all be waiting outside and will probably know what's going on before I do, which is a little weird. Jim said he'd leave me a big note that said either "big cut" with a happy face, or "small cut" with a sad face for when I wake up. I'm going to get an epidural, and some anesthesia, so I'll need small words when I first wake up.

If this isn't a sarcoma, then I'll be in the hospital for about a week (five to seven days. i'm aiming to bust out before that, though. being a patient creeps me out), then my recovery time will be about six to eight weeks (jim keeps reminding me that that's the minimum. i refuse to acknowledge that. eight weeks is forever!). The vacation from work will be nice and I'll get lots of knitting in, but I will be out a paycheck. Being the young, invincible idiot that I am, I didn't elect to pay for disability coverage with my insurance. I'll still have a job to go back to, but no income while I'm not actually working. My dear friend Amy offered to put together a beef'n'beer for me a while back, and it looks like I'll be taking her up on that. It pains me quite a lot to be reduced to begging, but well, it's either that or not pay my rent. I think living out of one's car is generally considered poor form when one is expected to rest and recuperate. I'm going to try to con Momolla and Kate out of some hand-knitted items and whip up some myself. I'm also going to call around to some local places where I grew up and ask for donations towards a silent auction or something. Somehow, selling stuff feels better than just asking for cash, you know? I'm also going to set up an etsy store and sell some easy handmade scarves. They're easy for me to make, they look nice, and I'll be knitting anyway, so I might as well use the product for something, well, productive, right?

If all goes well on Tuesday, I may or may not have internet access for a week. Momolla will update promptly, I'm sure, and I may have Jim log on just to let you guys know I made it through all right. If all doesn't go well, you'll be hearing from me a lot quicker. This is one of those cases where no news is good news, so please don't panic if you don't hear anything right away.

I'd like to take a minute before I sign off to send some thank-yous out. Monique sent me a great little book a couple of weeks ago that made me smile. It's all about how to beat stress by joining those around you in perpetrating it. For instance, it recommends inviting all your ex-lovers for dinner at once. I got a great chuckle out of reading it, and I still go back and page through when I need a laugh.

RoseRed sent me a great package of happy. I actually received it a few weeks ago and was waiting to blog it until I had pictures. But well, that got shot all to hell. The package contained a beautiful pair of socks (some gorgeous, perfect hederas), some chocolate (what exactly is a violet crumble? it sounds good but i'm almost afraid to eat it. and there's some fair trade chocolate, too, called sinless dark. it's delicious!), a skein of gorgeous Noro that's all soft and fuzzy and just begging to be a set of handwarmers and some wool wash that will be perfect for my socks, which were worn the very day after I received them (i was wearing socks momolla made for my birthday, else i'd have put them on then and there).

I know they don't really read my blog, but my Jersey girls banded together and got me my first set of real, growed-up tableware. I have a beautiful set of plates and bowls and such that grace my table. I'm grateful for all the hand-me-downs we've gotten to fill the kithcen out so we weren't eating off of the bare table and out of pots. But it's so nice to have a set of dishes that match and are all shiny and new and amazing. And there are placemats to put beneath them, too, and dishtowels that actually absorb water.

Jim gave me dirt for my birthday. No, really. But I asked him to, because I've been wanting to grow things in our tiny patch of backyard since we moved in, but we just didn't make time last year. Granted, Jim will be planting my seedlings for me this year, but I have vegetables to grow and some great flowers to put out front and a border for the beds so that the yard looks kempt and clean and cared for. Perhaps the neighbors will leave us alone this year.

All the presents have been wonderful. I love surprises and I love the excitement of a wrapped parcel. But I also love all the comments and the warmth and the mental hugs and the caring you've all given me. I'm not glad this happened to me, but I am grateful that I have such an amazing support network to fall back on. If it had to happen, at least it happened when I'm surrounded by love and support and generosity of spirit. Thank you all for listening to me whine and moan and be melodramatic and grumpy and scared. Your encouragement and your fierceness give me strength and hope. I am truly in awe of the love and the support that I've been given, and I am humbled by your kindness and sweetness and humor. And the offers to do some ass whoopin' on my behalf are also much appreciated. If I need to call a hit squad for something, I'm set.

I may or may not be able to squeeze one more entry in over the weekend. I'm aiming to get my house cleaned and the beginning of my garden in order before I'm not allowed to move for a while. I promise that you'll hear from someone, whether it's me or Jim, by Wednesday or Thursday, though, if not sooner. It's so strange that I've been mentally preparing for this and now, finally, it's here and I feel like I'm not ready yet. The good part is that I'm not scared, I'm just straight up mad. This alien lung baby is hurting me, and it is so time for it to go. Gods willing, by the next time or two that I write, it'll have had its ass kicked and I will be sitting on the couch, enjoying some lovely pain meds while Jim does chores for me. I hope your weekend goes well and smoothly and is full of the kind of weather we're having for once.

I'm the Punchline...

2009-04-15T10:36:00.001-04:00

...the joke being, there are no test results. Why? Because there is no test. So, gentle readers, I am giving you another quick update to let you know that I still, two months into this thing, do not know what is going on. I have another early-morning appointment in the city tomorrow, so that I can schedule another, bigger, better biopsy. I swear, I'm not so much a person any more as I am a lab animal. I'd flesh this out a little more, but I'm so damned angry right now that none of it would be fair or right or even readable. But to wait a month for results from a test, only to find out that there is no test? Even my patience has limits. I want to scream and break things and kick small animals and push children off of playground equipment and steal old ladies' purses and pop people's tires. Instead, I'm going to New Jersey to visit a friend who's in the US on leave who I see only a time or two every year. In the morning, I'll talk to my surgeon and be rational, patient, and friendly again. But if, in the mean time, you hear something explode or see a little red-haired person on the news with a headline about arson, well, don't be too surprised.

Well...

2009-04-15T00:29:00.002-04:00

...yeah. Wow, it's been almost a month since last I posted. I'm sorry about that, guys. Some of you are probably starting to wonder, I'm sure. It's been an eventful four weeks or so. I fought off a bout of bronchitis, had an allergic reaction to something after a PET scan, and had a birthday. I've been showered in gifts and love. I've filed my taxes, mostly, and have been trying to sleep and to talk to a doctor, any doctor, about my test results. Still no word about what the alien lung baby is, but we're going to find out tomorrow, or by all that is holy, I am going to make somebody somewhere cry. This is the short version, to let you all know I'm not dead or consumed by anything weird. Just kind of crazed with everything going on. I'll post some pictures tomorrow or Thursday (for real this time, I promise) because I have lots of amazing presents to show off.

Ya Gotta Have Friends...

2009-03-18T15:16:00.002-04:00

...to make the day last long. More importantly, to knit you things and remind you that there is humor in every situation. A couple of weeks ago, Roxie offered to knit me a shawl and I cheerfully accepted. Who am I to turn down offers of knitted love? And so I've been keeping an eye out for a package and making Jim listen for the mail and for a knock on the door whenever I'm not home. Yesterday, a great big box arrived (pictures tomorrowish, i have to re-charge my camera. the wait will be worth it, it's a big box of awesome!). There were tons of presents in there! Tons!

Naturally, there was the shawl for me. It's beautiful. Roxie also tucked a couple of books in the package for me, the first two of her wonderful Sanna books. If you haven't read them, you should. I am always hesitant to recommend books for other people, I have such broad tastes. But these books are absorbing and easily some of the best written fiction I have ever read, ever. Seriously good books, delicious reading. I started with the third one and couldn't put it down 'til I'd read it through. And then I wanted there to be more. I'm halfway through the first one now, and I am loving every page.

In her infinite Kindness, Roxie also sent a sweater for the alien baby. It's purple, and has eight or ten arms on it. I laughed hysterically when I opened that one. Roxie noted that if I decided not to keep the alien baby, it would make a whimsical hat. And I might just need that. See, I saw the surgeon today. He told me a rather different version of things from the last doctor. The probability is still that this thing is a benign fibrous tumor (recover time on this surgery will be weeks. weeks! damn.) but if it turns out to be synnovial cell sarcoma, I will need chemo and radiation. This will hopefully shrink it, but it will also kill any cancer cells floating around in the fluid around my lungs. If it's cancer, then we're also looking at removing anything that this is touching, which could be quite a lot, and bumps the recovery time up quite a bit. So, I'm trying to think positive and I'm also gearing up for war. We won't know for a few more weeks, we're still waiting for genetic tests to confirm this and let us know if it'll respond well to chemo. More breath-holding and finger-crossing, though to a lesser degree. As always, I'll keep you guys posted.

Here's hoping the rest of your week goes smoothly and quickly and that it's filled with wonderful surprises.

It's benign!

2009-03-12T16:14:00.002-04:00

I didn't want to make anyone wait any longer than they had to for news. I'm home from the doctor's now and I feel like I can actually take a deep breath for the first time in a month. It feels somehow like all of my muscles have all unclenched and relaxed all at once. This might just be the best feeling ever.

Okay, so the medical details. Laslow-Mitford is most probably a benign fibrous tumor of the pleura, but there is a chance that it's a low-grade synovial cell sarcoma. That requires a genetic test to determine, which will take a couple of weeks to sort out. Apparently, the treatment is the same either way--removal. I am so onboard with removal! So we are running full-steam ahead with the removal plan. I contacted Dr. Metz, my cousin's best friend's dad from last post, and he is going to put me in touch with a surgeon. There is a chance that part of my lung may have to come out, and we're not at all sure if that lung will ever recover and get back to full capacity. Once this is all over, I'm going to make sure I start exercising regularly, I want that capacity back!

So, the worst is over. The fear and the stabbity bits are all done, and now we just worry about the surgery. For that, they will have to put me to sleep. Totally non-negotiable. If they won't, I have a friend with a hacksaw and a shop-vac, we can do this ourselves. I want to thank you all again for the warmth and the kindness and the comfort you've given me. Every comment, every facebook post, every e-mail has been appreciated. I think the greatest comfort through this past month (i can't believe it, but it's a month almost to the day. worst. month. ever.) has been knowing that I am not alone, and that there are people spanning the country and even the globe who care enough to say so and to support me. Thank you all for being on this long, scary ride with me. It's not quite over yet, but we've made it through the worst bits. I can truthfully say I couldn't have made it through with my sanity incact without you all. And now, I think it's time to go celebrate!

Whew!

2009-03-10T22:17:00.002-04:00

That was a whole mess of grump right there in that last post, wasn't it? Thanks so much for the support, and for listening to me vent. I don't know what it was, but suddenly, everything was piling up on me and I was just feeling a little smushed and crushed and crumpled around the edges. Not broken, though. Never broken, right? Right.

There is some good news and some positivity through all this, though. My cousin Maggie's best friend is named Isabella. Momolla brought my aunt and uncle up to speed on the Laslow-Mitford situation and my aunt passed this information along to Isabella's parents. Isabella's dad happens to be Dr. James Metz, one of the foremost pediatric oncologists in south Jersey. Apparently, he wanted to step in and take charge of my treatment and make sure I was being taken good care of and that I was in good hands. My aunt talked him down a little, and he sent me his personal cell phone number and the message that if I had any questions, needed any help or wanted a second opinion, I could call him. This level of generosity from a total stranger just floors me. Here I am, his daughter's friend's cousin, and how tenuous a link is that? And yet, he was concerned enough to reach out and offer any help he could. I think when I am feeling a little more grounded, probably tomorrow, I will call him and thank him for his kindness. And ask him a few questions. I'm not exactly a pediatric oncology patient, but he might know of some resources I can use, especially with the insurance company.

Speaking of those stupid assholes, I'm going to e-mail that same aunt and ask about legal aid. She's a lawyer and works in a federal court building so she probably has a much better idea of what's available than I do. And she's pretty awesome, so it'll be nice to catch up. I feel a little bad I haven't let them know what's going on before, but what with trying to keep everyone updated, some of the people I love have slipped through the cracks. As it is, there is a list that Jim and I divide up after every procedure for who needs to be called and updated. Somehow, though, I always miss someone.

Through all the fear and the nerves and the waiting, I have been surrounded by the most phenomenal support and just covered in kindness. As with anything in life, there's sweet to go with the bitter. I truly am blessed with wonderful women who have stepped up to offer comfort and warmth and humor and caring. And tons of hugs, whether virtual or actual. Thank you all, for letting me fall apart a little, and for giving me strength when I need it. I couldn't do this with any degree of grace were it not for you all. On Thursday I meet with the doctor again, and I'll let you all know how that goes as soon as I do. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and keeping my mantra going through my mind.

Murt...

2009-03-09T23:57:00.003-04:00

You know you've been in a relationship for a while when you start to develop your own language. See, murt is a word I made up a while back when I was grumbling and muttering and Jim and I (and even colleen) have put it into use. Murt expresses disdain, frustration, anger, sadness, and general grossness of feeling. It's a multi-use word, and very handy for when you just can't put your finger on the right word. Today, I am murt. I am the mayor of Murtistan. I am the Murtfullest citizen of the great planet of Murt. Today is not my friend.

See, I found out today that my PET scan is canceled. Really, that's not so terrible, I can re-schedule it. But since my insurance company (we'll discuss them more later on. they're also on my shit list) only has the inconclusive results from the first biopsy to go by, they won't approve a PET scan. Now, they know the results are inconclusive and show inflammation. But they choose to interpret that as not showing evidence of malignancy or something like that. And there are no results from the second biopsy yet. Naturally, since no stage of this has been easy, Pottstown couldn't identify the alien lung baby and had to send samples out to the Mayo Clinic or to an Air Force (or maybe army, i forget. i was a little overwhelmed when this was being discussed, having just been poked with many sharp things) base in Washington, D.C. We are still crossing our fingers and waiting for results, hopefully we'll still know what's going on by Thursday. The bright side of this is that I'm able to have a real day off tomorrow. The down side is that if I do really need this test, I'll have to wait even longer for it, since it's tough as hell to get a PET scan appointment.

And my insurance company sent me some paperwork today letting me know that I have several claims pending review, since this might be a pre-existing condition. If they decide, upon medical review, that this is the case, I could come out of this whole wonderful experience with tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt. The insurance company is sending me a questionnaire, I'm going to see what I can do about this. I somehow doubt that this is a pre-existing anything. And I'm going to refer to this as an alien lung baby and declare myself the foremost expert in the area of alien lung babies. That way, I can tell them with absolute certainty that this is a recent development. And then we'll be done. And if they won't pay for this for some reason, I'm going to have to auction off everything I own just to get this handled and I might cry. And be living in a box. Because, you know, this just wasn't tough enough before.

And to top everything off, a little old lady called me a bitch tonight. She came in and told me she needed a headlight put in and that she had a church meeting in fifteen minutes. She was really mad when I responded that we had two people in the shop in front of her and that I could get her car in the shop in about half an hour. Things got better from there when I refused to have my mechanics stop working on the cars that they had in the shop so they could fix her problem immediately (one of the customers had been there for a couple of hours. i would like to see the old bat explain to the customer waiting for her car back what made her so special) and in front of a customer she called me a bitch. I really, really wanted to ask her why she's special. I really, really wanted to tell her to suck on my dick and choke on it. I especially wanted to tell her to get out, that I didn't need her brand of crap because I have a lot of crap in my life right now. I wanted to tell her that there is an alien baby in my lung and that I don't give a hot, wet shit about her car or her church meeting and ask her if she talked to god with that mouth. But that seemed a little inappropriate, since there was a friendly customer standing right in front of me who didn't need to hear any of that. And actually, he gave me his business card and told me that my manager could call him if the old bat called a complaint in to my corporate office. He'd stick up for me and tell everyone how professional I was. So that guy's cool in my book. The old bat, though... She'd just better hope I don't see her car parked somewhere. I know a lot of ways to make it so your car won't start. Because to demonstrate her sweetness even further, she drove around to the back of the shop to talk to my mechanics directly. They said they couldn't help her and she told them how kind they are. She also told them I'm going to hell. When I came out to tell her again that I could get her car pulled in shortly, she told me I would get my reward. I told her to have a nice evening. Sometimes, I hate people.

And my lady boss has a new favorite at work and I am not it. She's prepping him to be the assistant when my dude boss who gets things done and everyone really likes leaves. And I think that'll go poorly. I'm also already getting shit from her about the two weekends I requested off (they're a month apart. nobody else wants the time off. there are no conflicts. none) and she told me that she'd "been really lenient with this." and we couldn't discuss anything any further because there were customers to help. But, um, excuse me? Been really lenient? There is an ALIEN BABY ON MY LUNG! I am not making this up, could not make this up if I tried. I have worked while going through some pretty rough issues here. And right before and right after some pretty rough medical stuff. Screw your leniency. In fact, screw you, woman. I called out once because I had just had tubes shoved down my throat and had a fever and was coughing up blood (no worries, the doctor's office said that it was normal. gross, but normal. and the fever was related to the plague i'd had for a while. not just any cold for me, i get the plauge) and she wanted to know if I was sure I wouldn't make it in. When I told her there was a chance my lung would collapse with this last biopsy and I might maybe spend a week in the hospital she said, "Oh, so I should have Jeff close that Friday, then?" So. My job. Not my very favorite right now.

So yeah. I have had it with today. And really, with my life in general right now. I'm trying to let the shit from work roll off my back because there are so many more important things for me to deal with right now. And I'm trying so hard to stay positive and to be strong and to keep moving forward with my life. I'm trying and trying, and right now, I don't think I'm doing a very good job. Honestly, right now I feel kind of broken. It's me vs. life and life is so kicking my ass today.

No News

2009-03-07T22:02:00.002-05:00

...is good news, right? Right. At least for now. Still no biopsy results. I swear, if they didn't get enough of a sample, the good doctor can just guess. As long as the alien baby comes out, we're good. At least the only thing left is a PET scan, which Momolla informs me will make me glow in the dark for a few days (they'll inject me with radioactive stuff. well, i only live a couple of miles from the nuclear plant, so i guess it's no worse than usual) but that's just an injection. I can totally take an injection. I meet with the radiologist on the 12th to see what the alien baby is, so I will let you guys know as soon as I do.

But let's not dwell on the unknown and the fear right now, eh? More than ever, I've been trying to concentrate on the divine in the chaos, the moments of grace. I got rather an extended one this Thursday. Through the last three weeks (is it only three weeks? gods, it feels like forever), Jim has been my constant source of strength and humor. I'm reminded why I love him so much about seventy-five times a day. Even though he's spent practically all his waking time with me or taking care of me or listening to me talk, he still wants to spend time with me. In fact, he still wanted to go on a date. So, naturally, we did. We didn't go to a fancy dinner, we didn't get dressed up. But after we'd come home and showered and napped after the MRI (i always get the crack-of-dawn appointments. insult to injury) we headed out to the Philadelphia Premium Outlets, a kind of outdoor mall full of, what else, designer outlets. The weather was warm and mild and the sun was out and we were able to people watch (one of our favorite hobbies together) and have lunch. It was nothing momentous or special or even really exciting. But for a couple of hours, we got to be just be. We weren't going to any appointments, we weren't talking about Laslow-Mitford, we were just wandering around, looking at all the "cheap" stuff that was still much too expensive and making fun of people for buying the ugly overstock that ended up in the outlet for a reason. Or for wearing ugly shoes. Or just because they were there. And we got a ton of free samples in the candy shop (we ended up getting a second round when we went back in to actually buy some. score!) from the nice ladies therein. All in all, it was a lovely afternoon. It was nice to get to spend even a part of a day off doing something fun and positive and relaxing.

There's actually been less knitting lately, since I've been spending some time sleeping and more time at work. But eventually, I'll finish something worth posting. And then we can pretend like this is a real knitting blog or something. I hope the rest of your weekend is warm and relaxing and that you find a moment of grace to hold onto when you need it.

Emo Post!

2009-03-04T13:48:00.001-05:00

'Cause you guys said I could be emo. Biopsy #2 is done now, and I am home, recovering and drifting around in my head. They gave me a percocet after, so I'm a little spacey. I'd like to say I acquitted myself well during the procedure, but that would be a lie. And one does not lie to one's blog. This hurt. This hurt a lot, and it continues to hurt, good drugs or no. I didn't move the whole time, but I cried like a sissy when the good doctor man stuck the big needle in me. I couldn't help it, 'cause well, I hurt. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain (i've got tattoos and piercings, i can handle pain) but this was extraordinary. Why this never occurred to me, I don't know, but there are definitely enough nerve endings on your internal organs that you can feel it when they're being poked at. And the sensation of the needle piercing the lining around my lung was a) gross b) weird and c) awful. Thankfully, no lung collapse today. But my goodness, I hurt. And I couldn't flinch or anything, so I just laid there and cried because I was tired (i think i managed about an hour and half of sleep last night, cumlative) and scared and lonely and hurt and for the life of me, I couldn't keep myself together. So yeah, that sucked. The medical staff were all really kind and helpful, one particular nurse held my hand and told me it would be over soon, and I was too busy gritting my teeth to thank her. And thinking mean things about my doctor man. There was some of that, too.

Anyway, I'm home now and that whole awful mess is behind me and it wasn't even as terrible as it could have been. Depending on how things go, I could have the biopsy results in a few days, or the pathologists might be stumped and have to send the samples out to some exotic research centers for more diagnosing. I know one thing for sure, though. If this biopsy doesn't tell us what this is, one way or another the mass is coming out. I am not sitting through another biopsy, and no force on Earth will compell me to. In fact, the next person to suggest they might like to poke around my lungal region with anything sharp will probably get beaten. Or stabbed. I have nice, pointy knitting needles.

I'm just feeling battered and sorry for myself, which I expect will pass when I get some sleep. Jim has taken the bestest care of me since we woke up this morning, he even bought me chocolate. Isn't he a sweetheart? I mentioned doing the dishes and he told me that my only job today was to take a nap, he'd handle the cleaning. And judging by the way everything feels all swimmy now, it's probably time to go do my job.

I'm so Lame...

2009-03-01T18:38:00.002-05:00

...I had half a post written the other night before I realized it was entirely too emo. Like totally way too emo. So that one got scrapped, and I decided it might be best to avoid blogging late at night when I'm tired and scared and have taken lots of cold medications.

I haven't updated you guys on the health front in a couple of days because there's not much to say, really. My next biopsy is this Wednesday, and I have to be awake for it. I met with my interventional radiologist (isn't that the coolest title ever? it sounds like he's the guy you talk to if you get hooked on x-rays) and he explained how this one would work. Apparently, he sticks me with a (relatively, he swears it's not real huge) needle in the chestal region and then puts a smaller needle in that one to take various bits of the alien lung baby away. I have to be awake for this, even though they can only numb the skin (there will be a "pinching" sensation when he punctures the lung linings. pinching. right. i've heard that one before.) because sedatives interfere with your breathing and there's a chance my lung might collapse.

How cool is that? Now, I could just have a smallish bit of a lung collapse (the chances are somewhere around one in four, roughly), in which case they basically just keep an eye on me. I could have a mediumish lung collaps, where I get a nifty drinking straw and mechanical device put in my chest for a couple of days. Or, and this one is pretty cool, I could have a rather largeish dramaticish lung collapse where I get a garden hose put in my chest (i swear, he called it a garden hose. i like this guy) and a week at the hospital. The odds of that are pretty small, but they exist. I'm trying to ignore the possibility of lung collapse entirely, since I am rather younger and healthier than the nice doctor man's average patient. But there's a little part of me that keeps thinking, why would this part be any easier than the rest of it? Thankfully, this should be the last biopsy they need. If they still can't tell me what the alien baby is, we resort to the angry scared Emily who tells the nice doctor to take the alien baby out and decide what it is later because she is tired of being poked and prodded and stuck and examined. She is also having some chest pain, and is finding that walking up the stairs leaves her panting like she's just old or something and she finds that unacceptable.

But some good has come from this ordeal. My darling Momolla has bowed to popular pressure, and is making me a sweater. I'd like to thank you all for supporting my decision to embrace my dad's DNA and use an unpleasant situation to extort presents from my family. I do believe that if it were just me begging for a sweater, I might still be cold and unloved. But thanks to all of you choosing to back my play for knitted love, there might even now be something pretty and blue and warm for me on Momolla's clever needles. And speaking of knitting love, Galad's lovely daughter Nicole sent me some get well soon yarn, which absolutely made my day. She also sent me a lovely letter telling me how many people are pulling for me and telling me not to "let the bastards grind me down." I think Nicole and I would get along great!

Really, if I make it through the next few weeks with my sanity intact, it will be because of my amazing support group. Your concern and your support have been a huge comfort to me. All your warmth and kindness and humor, as always, give me strength and hope. It's a great feeling to know that whatever happens, there are people out there who are rooting for me. I'm knitting on, and maybe by the time this is all over and done with, I'll have something to show for it. And maybe soon, I'll have a reason to update my blog with something other than gloomy medical news. I hope this new week is warm and enjoyable and productive for you all.

And the Results are In...

2009-02-26T11:53:00.002-05:00

...the biopsy results, that is. After all the digging around in my lungs yesterday, all my doctor can tell me is that whatever this thing is, it's inflamed. Ummm, I totally could've told them that. Totally. And I don't even have a medical degree! So, it's time to schedule another test. Yup, one more. This is a different kind of biopsy and needles are involved. I'm hoping they put me to sleep for this one, too, as I am not for needles. I'm meeting with the new specialist doctor today at two thirty, then setting up the next biopsy. I already have two other scans scheduled for next week, so it looks like it'll be another full week of tests, work, and trying to sleep. I really shouldn't complain, though, since everyone I've worked with has scrambled to get these tests set up as quickly as possible. I may need a secretary by the time this is done, to remember which procedure is scheduled for when at what location. I've been to three separate hospitals and this will be my third or fourth doctor in the area. If any of you ever need medical care in the Pottstown area, I'm the lady to talk to.

I did manage to mostly finish the first of Dadumm's fingerless mitts on Monday. It kind of sucked to give him an incomplete gift, but I was able to measure and fit them to his hands, which is good. I'm plying the yarn for the second mitt, I should have plenty of it. He may yet get a hat.

I think I might have promised pictures yesterday, which means I will have to take some. Please forgive me for leading you on, I wasn't exactly in my right mind. I basically went home and slept for several hours. Jim would occassionaly prod me to make me drink so juice and to make sure I was alive. He also fed me. And I seem to remember him petting me, which is good. I'm a lucky woman, Jim took good care of me yesterday.

Time to go make some tea and get ready to see yet another doctor. I hope you all have a good afternoon.

Quick One

2009-02-25T18:23:00.002-05:00

Biopsy's done. I'm groggy as anything still, spent most of today sleeping. MRI and PET scan are next, results from everything in two weeks. Warm wishes are appreciated, thanks tons! Now if only I had some sort of soft, handknit sweater (ahem, momolla) to wrap around myself while I'm waiting and worrying. Not so much knitting today, sleepy. Pictures soon, though.

Two Paths Diverged in a Wood...

2009-02-24T20:30:00.002-05:00

...and actually, we took the one more traveled by. Jim and I went home (momolla, i may never stop calling it home, weird or not) for Dadumm's birthday. We got a bit of a late start, but still made it down to Jersey in time to drive through the woods with the family. I always forget how peaceful our pines are until I'm out among them and I feel soothed. Truly, the Jersey Pine Barrens are my favorite place. Once the drive was done, it was time for a birthday feast, culminating in home-made birthday cake. Mmmmm, cake. I will go nearly anwhere for cake, even to places where I am teased and ganged up on (see momolla's blog for pictures of the abuse that i suffer at the hands of my loved ones). After cake, it was time for a diner trip with my lady friends and a couple of Jim's dudes. We had a great time, but we stayed out too late and so today I am tired and confused. I've been trying to keep up with blogs, if my comments are incoherent or scattered, well, let's just call it charming, okay? Coherency is overrated.

Tomorrow is my biopsy, Jim is dropping me off early in the morning. He's not staying with me because it will be a longish wait, and they're putting me to sleep. The hospital folks will call once I'm awake and he can come get me and carry me out to the car (anything that puts you to sleep kicks my ass. i expect to spend all day tomorrow mostly asleep. or at least pretty out of it). There probably won't be any news for another week or two yet, I had to re-schedule the MRI, since it wasn't set up for contrast and we want contrast. Apparently, contrast is good. So we are still waiting and wondering and I'm still trying keep living my life and not be too freaked out. Knitting is helping with that quite a bit, as it gives me something to do. I like to keep my hands busy.

Work was hellish today and I find I'm all out of talk for the moment. I'll keep you all posted on the alien baby situation as things develop. Thanks, as always, for the love and support. It means more to me than I can say (though we all know that won't stop me from trying).

Mental Health Day...

2009-02-20T23:57:00.002-05:00

...because it's been a week straight of rolling out of bed, going to get some tests done and/or see a new doctor, going to work, coming home to make dinner, and going to bed so I can try to sleep before I repeat it all again the next day. I finally got to the point where I was literally worrying myself sick, and I decided I needed a mental health day to just assimilate everything and relax a little bit. I didn't have any doctors appointments or tests, and I called out of work. I feel kind of guilty, but I really, really needed a break. So, I spun and I knitted and I tried to have a normal day. And mostly, it worked.

I got to bring my very bestest friend up to speed on the whole situation today. Clearly, I haven't been hiding this or anything, but I just haven't really been able to call her in the last couple of days and she doesn't read the blog (she is so missing out!) so I called today and explained everything to her. Funny, but it's easier and easier to explain what's going on. I'm not sure if I'm still kind of in shock, or if I'm starting to come to terms with the many possibilities I'm facing. I've been dwelling on the less pleasant ones today, maybe because the nice nurse yesterday told me I'm too young for this. I don't feel young any more. The weirdest part of all of this is that I'm still not having any trouble breathing. I blame it on ten or fifteen years of playing an instrument. Even though I haven't seriously played in a while, my lungs were pretty developed for a while there. Even at diminshed capacity, they're still pretty good. Something else band was good for, I guess.

I've already thanked you all for the encouragement and the warm thoughts (and thanks for letting various family members and spouses know, the more people thinking good thoughts, the better) and the caring, but I'd like to again. Your humor and caring give me strength. Especially the humor (nothing beats the facebook conversation about which color of booties would work best for an alien baby. nothing.) I really, truly am surrounded by warm, wonderful women. Men, too, but the women tend to really stand out. And Jim has been every bit as supportive as could ask for. He shleps me around, he lets me rant when I need to and he understands when I need to be quiet. He also tries his hardest to make me laugh, and to let me know he's here. I am a lucky woman, to have such a network of love and support.

And while I'm gushing (sorry, took some benadryl hoping it'd help me sleep. not so much, but it makes blogging fun!) I should say that pretty much every medical-type person I've encountered has been warm, friendly and compassionate. Even the chiropractor's office has been awesome. They called me today to check in and see that I was being taken care of and that my doctors were working with me effectively. And just to make sure I was okay. And they'll keep checking in. Dude, that's amazing. I have never met so many complete strangers who actually care. I think this just supports my resolve to put more kindness out into the world, since so much has been sent my way by so many people.

The knitting continues apace, though at this point I don't think the mitts will actually be done for Monday, unless we have the slowest weekend ever at work. That is a strong possibility, but I don't really see it happening. Ah well, the cat was out of the bag, anyway, since apparently Dadumms reads the blog. I had no idea, or else I would've left out the mention of my homemade present. Now it's one more person I have to be sneaky about if I want to give presents out. And I'm so very bad at being sneaky!

Time for bed now, I can't skip work again tomorrow or they might kill me, sympathy or no. I hope everyone's weekend is warm and sunny and awesome.

Back at Square One...

2009-02-19T22:41:00.002-05:00

...because I saw my pulmonologist today and he told me that at this stage, we can't really say that the thing (which is absolutely huge in 3-D. like, scary big. way scary big) is even probably benign. And now, we have a new worry. It might be eating my bones. Yup, the alien baby is possibly eating my bones. This is less likely, but apparently still a valid worry. You know what, guys? This sucks! I do not recommend harboring an alien baby in your lung, even if you are very bored with your life. For the record, it's a boy and I'm torn between Laslow and Mitford. Any thoughts?

Honestly, I am kind of scared out of my mind right now, because I'm back to the whole, "we have no idea what it is, don't worry too much but don't be too comfortable" thing. Momolla tells me that nothing has changed, and she's pretty much correct. But I had a little relief yesterday, knowing that however ginormous this thing may be (i saw the cat scan. at some parts, it looks to be about half the size of the lung cavity. i'm no pulmonologist, but that strikes me as probably not being very good) it was most likely not going to kill me. Now, I cannot say that with any confidence. Not to say I'm putting my affairs in order and signing off and whatnot, but once again I'm faced with the possiblity that they might come to me and tell me that it's time to take those steps. I'm trying to think positively and to be strong. Sometimes, it even works. And then sometimes it just hits me, like when I'm explaining to my boss that I might maybe be late to work a couple of times next week because I need to have another handful of acronym tests run (we're doing an mri and a pet scan now. also, a biopsy.) and that I'm sorry, but I can't help it and when he just looks at me and says that of course that's okay. The kindness and the worry somehow make it harder to deal with. The lung doctor was very up front with me, and not rattled, but definitely not relaxed about this. He told me that it'll be two or three weeks before we're even sure what this thing is and how it'll be best to remove it.

Right now, my future is entirely in the hands of other people. I can't stand that! I want to be able to do something, to yell and scream and handle this myself. And I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do (though i'm considering my friend's offer of a hacksaw and a shop-vac) except wait and pray, as much as I ever do. So, I knit. I'm turning my handspun into a pair of fingerless mitts for my dad for his birthday. He wants something to keep his hands warm while he's in his woodworking shop, and I thought I'd oblige. The cool thing is that it'll kind of match the scarf Momolla made for him, since it's the same two types of wooll, though hers is much better spun. Eventually, I'll post a picture for you. I'm pretty much just making this up as I go, but it's mindless one by one ribbing so far which gives my anxious hand something to do in various waiting rooms. I've got my flyer issues mostly sorted out with the wheel, which is awesome, since I'll need to be making another batch of this yarn for the second mitt. Thankfully, I can spin much quicker than I can knit (finally, something i'm not the slowest person ever at!) so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

That's all for tonight, I've got to take dinner out of the oven, life goes on. I just wanted to let you all know what's going on again. As always, your thoughts and concern are appreciated, they give me hope and strength. And, most importantly, they make me smile. I'm callling on all of you for charater witnesses if I have to go on Judge Judy.

Alien Babies are Coming to Take us Away...

2009-02-18T22:49:00.004-05:00

So, more tests were done today. I had a cat scan, which was quick, but less than fun. Naturally, because life is never easy, we went to the appointed hospital (jim has been to every appointment with me, he's amazing) and wouldn't you know it, they'd lost power earlier in the day and the one machine I needed was now broken. So, we headed to another hospital and I got to have my very first cat scan. And I had to confirm again that no, I am not pregnant. Yes, I am very sure. Certain, even. I'm thinking of making a sign for the next time I have to go for a test. The upside of having something the size of your hand hanging out on your lung is that you get medical appointments made with incredible speed (seriously, i have never had so many appointments scheduled so quickly. it's amazing). And when you explain to the very nice medical people, their eyes get really big and they are always extra nice to you like you're fragile or perhaps slightly crazed.

Basically, all they can tell me at this point is that the mass is "probably benign," which is not very reassuring. Better than probably malignant. But still not what I was hoping to hear. The very nice doctor lady also told me that "the mass doesn't seem to be impinging on the adjacent organ," which made me glad I have a decent vocabulary. So, now we do more tests to make sure my lungs and probably my heart are strong enough for a biopsy and then possibly (probably) surgery. The cool thing will be trying to schedule all of this around work because I have to work to pay for these cool tests. My insurance is kind of fun--it covers everything up to a certain dollar amount, then I cover everything up to a different amount. After that, we wait til we hit a third amount, when I pay twenty percent and they pay eighty. Up to, that is, still a different amount, where they pay everything on up. So, a little confusing, and most of what comes next will have to come out of pocket for me. That should be great, since we thought money was tight before.

Jim tells me not to worry about that part, that we can always put it on his credit card and then pay it off. But I have this horrible fantasy where we have some horrible breakup after the alien baby is removed and I can't pay him and he takes me to court and we end up talking to Judge Judy or Judge Alex or Judge Christina or Judge Joe Brown (all of them have shows, i swear. i watch this stuff at work) and I have to explain about the whole thing and I slip and call it an alien baby and Judge Whoever thinks I'm crazy and then I get hate mail from people who really did have an alien baby and it all gets worse and worse.

And I'm babbling again. Sorry, that's the stress talking. I've been trying to be calm, since there's really not much I can do about any of this except go and get more tests and wait to get the biopsy. This is a special type of hell for a type a personality like me. But such a big part of me just wants to know. I'm willing to take probably for now, but with my family history, I'm still scared. It wouldn't be so terrible if somebody would just tell me what this thing is and what to do about it. Eventually, it'll be removed (it hurts, i am all in favor of removal), and it should be done sooner rather than later.

And so, here we are, hurrying up to wait. I wanted to let you all know that I am doing as okay as can be expected, and that I very much appreciate the support and the love. It means a lot to me to know you all care. Honestly, I'm scared. But I'm reminding myself that this will be okay. And it seems that I picked my mantra at a good time, because more than ever I've had to remind myself that (all current evidence to the contrary :)) I am never broken. I'd apologize for worrying you all, but that would seem to imply that I'm sorry you care, and that is something I'm rather grateful for. I am truly blessed with an amazing support group, an utterly amazing group of friends. It's times like this when I really feel how far from home I am, and it's these very same times when I really appreciate the internet and phones. The thing that hurt the most when I first found out what was going on was feeling so stranded and isolated. Over the last couple of days, I've been reminded that I'm not alone, that there are people literally all over the world, who care enough to say so. That humbles me, and it gives me strength. Thank you all, you are in my prayers and thoughts as much as I am in yours.

I'll let you all know more as I do, and I'll try to keep rambling to a minimum next time. I'll also talk about something fun, like the knitting I'm doing with my very first handspun. It'll be a present for Dadumm's birthday soon, and it's something I'm doing without a pattern. You know that's a recipe for success!

Twins!

2009-02-16T13:58:00.004-05:00

I proudly present to you my very first finished pair of socks! Yes, that's right, very first. There are many pairs in various stages of completion, but these, affectionately known as the Bribe Socks, are the first to cross the finish line. They are soft and snuggly and warm and I'd originally thought of giving them to one of my sisters, but then I put them on and was overcome by greed. I now cannot bear to be parted from them, as they have warmed my feet admirably. They are also the softest, warmest things I have ever put on my feet. They're made from Misti alpaca, the colorway isn't named so I can't recall it. The picture shows the mixes of colors fairly well, though.
What I like most about it, though, was the way to colors almost striped. You can see that ultimately, they pooled and had a kind of camoflage effect, but if you look closely, there are areas where two or three colors would alternate every row, especially on the heels. Pretty. And fun. I finished these Saturday night while watching the new version of Pride and Prejudice. I've come across a lovely head cold, and I just couldn't concentrate on the full version. Though, I might watch that today.

Momolla, Dadumms, my big sister El, and my cousin Cheryl came up to visit for dinner last night. Momolla brought her wheel, Cheryl brought her crochet, and El brought the mandalas she colors. We had a lovely meal of ham, homemade mac and cheese (my favorite! carbs and cheese, what's not to love), and cake with ice cream for dessert. Momolla inisisted on bringing supplies, since she said it would feel wrong to her to eat the food she just gifted us with (though, the whole point of inviting everyone up was to share. sharing is fun!). We chatted and relaxed before dinner, and after the food was done, retired to the living room to pursue our hobbies. Momolla and I spun and chatted with El and Cheryl while Jim showed our current obsession to Dadumms. Our friends gifted us with a household gift this past Christmas, which was Left 4 Dead, a video game. Specifically, a zombie-killing video game. The boys are pretty good at it, but Coll and I are abysmal. There are two different joysticks you have to use for moving, and I'm pretty bad at it. My character always spends a lot of time spinning around in circles staring at the ceiling. Fortunatly, there are other characters to help out. I think Dadumms got a kick out of slaying the zombies, and may perhaps end up buying the pc version of the game.

In health-related news, I saw my chiropractor today. There were some subtle clues that there would be a problem when I walked in. The very nice lady named Shannon who works behind the desk asked me for my general practitioner's name, and where he is, and what his phone number is. I figured, maybe they like having complete records. And then, she went to get the doctor right away. No waiting. Damn, another bad sign, especially since she referred to me by name, and he recognized my name. Sure enough, the very nice doctor man told me that while I'm a good candidate for chiropractic care, there are some other issues that should be addressed first. Namely, there's a big ol' thing right on or next to my right lung. Yup, it's just chilling there. Hanging out, if you will. Being chiropractors, they're not at all sure what it is, and there are several things, ranging from cyst to infection to cancer that will explain the thing the size of my hand that is living in my lung sac. The really friendly and helpful Shannon called a couple of local doctors for me and set up an appointment first thing tomorrow morning. There will be tests. And blood work. And all manner of other exciting medical things. It should be a fun-filled week. I've moved beyond panicked (he said i might need an oncologist. that's a cancer doctor. i know that word! scary!) to more amused.

No ordinary muscle-type pains for me, nosir! Here in Emville, things are never that easy. Naturally, I've got some sort of alien baby incubating next to my spine. Oh, speaking of which. If it is an alien baby-thing, you are all totally allowed to stop talking to me, I will completely understand. Alien babies are gross. Totally gross.

And that's all we have for you today, folks. Check back later in the week for updates to what Colleen and I are now referring to as the Alien Baby Saga. It'll be awesome!

I made that!

2009-02-13T23:47:00.002-05:00

This is yarn! I made it. I'm so amazed by the whole process and that I was able to take a bunch of fluff and turn it into something usable and kind of cool. No pictures of finished yarn yet, there were some complications with today, so I was pretty much entirely unproductive. I did manage to motivate myself enough to take some pictures of my yarny goodness. I had already unwound it and skeined it and washed it and thwacked it.

I figured today would be a good day to share some pictures with you all. I apologize for the slightly babble-y feel of today's post, I'm a little drunk on meds. I woke up this morning with incredible, stabbing pain in my back. I normally have some back pain in this general area when I'm under stress, but this was just intolerable. I decided that just hoping it'd go away eventually was not an option and that I needed to find the cause of all this. I went to a see a very nice choripractor, who took some measurements and some x-rays and we'll talk about my options on Monday. Until then, I'm taking lots of over-the-counter pain meds and trying to distract myself. Thankfully, I didn't have work today, but I will have to deal with a long day tomorrow.

Momolla, Dadums, and probably my cousin Cheryl and my big sister El will be coming for dinner on Sunday. The back will be bearable by then, Momolla and I are planning on spinning. It should be a pleasant afternoon. Momolla insisted on providing the food for dinner, since Jim and I are, well, beyond poor. She also very generously donated an entire freezer full of meat to me and Jim when her old freezer died. We're set for the next month or two, easily. Momolla also sent Valentine's candy for us. Damn, she's awesome. I have meat and chocolate, so life is not all bad.

Here's the yarn in skeined form. It's not perfect or even or particularly amazing. But I made it with my own two hands, and I feel pretty accomplished looking at it. Plying (spinning the two singles i spun together) really evened it out. And thwacking it did a lot towards making it less ridiculously overspun. I'm still not sure quite what weight it is or how much of it I have (this is precisely why I need a scale), but I do have a project in mind for it, and for the rest of the batch of roving that I'm spinning now. This is coopworth wool, and it's been really easy and fun to work with. It's been really easy to handle and has helped me learn.

That's all for tonight from the land of Em. More pictures later in the week. I hope everyone enjoys the weekend.

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Optimism...

2009-02-02T09:37:00.002-05:00

...gosh, I should know better than to blog when I'm sick! That was a little...much, no? I have been scared, and a little depressed, lately, but I've also been trying to focus on hope. We have made it through worse than this before, and we can make it through worse again if we have to. Thank you guys for your support, it means a lot to me to know that you're pulling for me.

There is one thing I'd like to keep from last post, one thing that actually still makes sense and resonates with me. The phrase "I am never broken," is going to be my mantra to get through this big ol' mess. I've thought about it, and I need something simple to remind myself, something to keep gritting my teeth and repeating as needed until I believe it. And, well, it applies. Life has handed me a few troubled times, and it's beaten me down a little. It's never yet broken me, though, and if I have it my way, it never will. I'm actually inspired by the whole song, but well, that takes a little longer to say, you know?

I'm still not feeling quite up to par, but this should be more coherent and less stream-of-consciousness. I've been able to keep food down for the first time in two days, though I'm still reallyreally dehydrated. I just wanted to address that last post, and let you all know that really, I'm mostly okay. I worry and wonder, but I do remind myself that there are still good things in my life, and that there are still people who have more problems and need more help than I do. So, back to focusing on the positive, and reminding myself that we'll be okay. And one more quick quote to round things out, since I'm still into lazy blogging. A real post sometime soon, I promise!

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

--Emily Dickinson