Something Gave...

...and it was the blog. True to my promise to myself, I have started saying no. I am not always very good at it, and I still say yes to so many, many things before I say no. But mostly, I am being realistic with myself and letting myself have time to decompress and relax. Unfortunately, that meant that something had to give. That something, as you can tell by my lack of entries, has been the blog. I miss it, and I have been neglecting it shamefully for months now. But when faced with a choice between getting a little more time to relax/sleep/run errands/etc and blogging, everything else won out.

This makes me pretty sad for a variety of reasons. For one, I love writing this blog. It's a way for me to keep in touch with so many of my wonderful friends, and it's a record of where I've been and what I've done, and as narcissistic as it sounds, I like to go back and read entries. For another, I have been maintaining the company blog pretty much by myself, which is a daily reminder that I don't have the willpower and energy to maintain my own. Also, even when I'm not blogging, I get ideas for blogs that start kicking around in my head, asking to get out. These days, they get written in my head, and sort of filed away for later.

Well, I will be neglecting the blog less. Things have settled down into something of a routine. And really, I miss writing here. I miss reading and commenting on blogs (i read a lot of blogs regularly but almost never comment now, which also makes me sad) and I miss feeling connected to my bloggy friends. I've never been good at corresponding or anything that required discipline, but this is fun, and it's one of the few things that I do that is purely for me. Blogging here is purely selfish, and I love it.

And now for something completely different. Knitting! I finished a pair of socks in just a little under two months. Not anything to write home about for most knitters, but I feel like I broke a land-speed record with these. They're plain vanilla socks that I will take some pictures of before I give them to my friend Amy. I discovered I can knit while I walk on the treadmill for my 3-Day training, and that knitting while I walk makes me feel more productive and less like a hamster on a wheel, walking to nowhere. After five miles, I have a good couple of inches of sock to show for the walking, not just some numbers on a screen. I've also finished a scarf I started for Colleen ages ago, plus the second ugly scarf, which is for a friend of ours. I have another plain sock (this one in 1X1 ribbing, for variety) on the needles for working out, and I'm making Jim some handwarmers for the office (when it's ninety degrees outside, it's about sixty-five in our office. we don't like the thought of warmth where we work). I've also cast on for the excellent Brangian shawl, which is lulling me into a false sense of security, thanks to the simple, addictive beginning. I know that in the next day or two, I will be getting to the actual lace part, and punished for my complaisance (not by of the pattern [by the way, uncharts are a great idea], but because i am trying to knit something challenging, and i subconsciously undermine myself a lot when i knit something challenging).

Through all that, I am also spinning. I took a break in spinning the-merino-project-that-won't-end-but-I-don't-mind-spinning-it-because-it's-so-pretty and spun up a little bonbon of fiber. It was angora and something so soft I couldn't stop petting it. After a quick, rough spin, I have a very small quantity of this yarn as a single (it was two ounces, and I spun it rather thickly with lots of soft, fuzzy slubs. that was totally, totally intentional. yeah. intentional) and I'm not sure what to do with it, other than pet it. I am thinking I might use it to edge something, since it's so soft and fuzzy. Like, say, a second set of handwarmers for me.

It is time for me to go find breakfast/lunch/food now. Jim was hit with a wicked stomach virus earlier in the week, which he passed on to me just in time for me to miss the fireworks yesterday (i may sort of hate him a little for that. i love the fireworks) but I am feeling pretty well today and can't wait to eat more than two slices of toast and an egg (yup, all i ate yesterday, and i almost couldn't keep the egg down. thanks, jim). We have tomorrow off for the holiday (Independence Day here in the US) and we are planning on sitting around, drinking cold liquids and not doing much, as we're expecting temps near 100* F ( 37.7 *C) and we don't have air conditioning in most of the house. I hope you are all having a great weekend, and that you are blessed with cooler, milder weather than ours.

In review:
--I suck at blogging at home, for a lot of reasons
--My nemesis at work got fired. I feel sort of sad, sort of happy
--Blogging should happen more regularly here, hopefully
--Knitting is happening at frighteningly quick speeds (by my standards)
--Spinning, not so much. Still plugging along, though
--Stomach viruses make your natural inclination to motion sickness worse, and mean you can't drive to the next state over to see the fireworks with your family and friends.
--I miss you guys

To My Father...

Thank you, for all the lessons you've taught me. I've seen a lot of parents in my time, and as far as dads go, I think I ended up with one of the best.

You taught me the value of hard work, that no job is ever beneath you, so long as you do it as well as you can. You taught me that there's no shame in being broke, and that no matter how much or how little you have, there is always enough to share with someone else.

You taught me patience, and the value of controlling my temper. You taught me how to fish (though i couldn't catch one today, if my life depended on it) and that tools are awesome.

I know you wished for a son, but you have loved your house full of women, anyway, and that daughters weren't a consolation prize for you. Watching you and Jim interact, and the way you've welcomed him into the family, gives me more joy than you can know.

You taught me that it's never too late to achieve your goals, and that there's no time to start working on them like the present. You (and mom) taught me what a good marriage is, and what it's like to love and respect your partner.

You taught me that a sense of humor will get me through pretty much everything, and that there is nothing, no situation, that is too serious to be laughed at. Gallows humor is some of the most cathartic.

You taught me what family is, and that it's not always the people we're related to by blood. You taught me what generosity, of time and of spirit and of self, truly are. You taught me that no matter what, I am loved, and that family supports one another.

Gods help you, you tried to teach me about beer (that one will probably never take, i'm a hard liquor girl).

You taught me about perseverance, and about not quitting. You taught me about strength, and courage, and loyalty. We have not always gotten along, we've actually butted heads pretty often (i was not an easy teenager, or an easy young adult), but it makes me proud and happy that we not only get along, but we enjoy one another's company now. So thanks Dadumms, for everything you've taught me. They're lessons I carry with me everyday.

Requiem...

...for my Aunt Joan, who died today. I never had much of a relationship with my grandmother, but thanks to Aunt Joan, I never felt as though I was missing out. She was strong, kind, loving, and tolerant. A Christian in the best sense (she believed, but never forced her views on anyone). The keeper of my family history, teller of the stories I would never have heard without her. The anchor that gave me a sense of history, of permanence, and the comfort of knowing about my family's past.

Today, the world lost a wonderful woman. Today, I lost a part of my heart. Today, I am trying to celebrate the woman she was, rather than mourning my loss of her. But I am not having much luck, and while I am celebrating her life, I find I can't stop mourning her passing. Today, I realized she will never dance at my wedding, meet my children, or watch me graduate college.

I realized, with a certain amount of horror, that I don't have very many specific stories about my aunt. She has been a part of my life, but I have more of a general sense of comfort, love, strength, and humor, than I do a stock of anecdotes. I'm not sure how to feel about that, but I am holding that sense of her close, and remembering her.

"And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in."

--Jimmy Eat World

Rest in peace, Aunt Joan. You are loved, and missed, and will not be forgotten.

Off...

I have recently discovered several facts about myself. To help make things coherent (and a little quicker, since I'm still not blogging from my computer), I have organized them into helpful bullet points.

Discovery 1. I have a very had time telling people no when a)I am asked to help on a project, whether it be at work or outside the office b) a friend or family member asks if I would like to hang out/go somewhere/do something/etc. no matter how busy I am or how much else is going on or c) volunteers are needed for something.

Discovery 2. I am very, very good at managing my time when I am outside the office, to the point where most of my weeknights, and all of my weekends are so segmented it feels a little bit like I'm back in school, what with all the switching off and the segmenting of days.

Discovery 3. It is supremely difficult for me to balance work, sleep, feeding myself and others, training, softball (i joined a sport, go figure), keeping my house from becoming a health hazard, and my hobbies.

Discovery 4. Failing to balance these things correctly results in me curled up in a ball in my shower sobbing because the laundry needs to get done, the house is a wreck, I am exhausted, and there hasn't been a day off in weeks.

And there, my friends, lies the problem. I have been trying to be everything to everyone and to do everything all the time for months now. That has resulted in me needing to be 'on' all the time. You know, having to be awake and motivated and productive and functioning and whatnot. There hasn't been a weekend, much less a week, where my schedule has not looked like I was on some sort of twisted media tour from hell. What little time I've spent at home has mostly been used for cleaning, catching up on laundry, and playing 'what's that smell?'.

I'm not sure quite why I feel compelled to let myself be this busy. I know what my limits are pretty well by now, and I know what happens when I push them. I think a large part of it is that I'm compensating for last summer, when I didn't go anywhere or do anything and was barely conscious for two months or so. I don't want to feel like a lump sitting on the couch for days on end. However, I don't want to end up feel exhausted and overwhelmed all the time, so I think it's time for a break.

Yup. I'm going to start standing up for myself. I'm committed to some things, like my 3-day training and softball (they needed another girl to play, and i am a sucker), but I don't need to book my weekends or my off nights quite so frantically. I need to make sure I have time to do things like nap, and read, and stare off into space, and weed my garden, and spin and knit and generally just relax. I'm not setting rules for what I will and won't do, and where I will and won't go, but I am going to make sure that I have at least a day to catch up on the housework and relax.

Even as insane as things have been lately, I've managed to finish two long-standing works in progress. They're both scarves, so I feel particularly accomplished. And now, I'm allowed to start my lace shawl for me. I also started a plain sock over the weekend. I'm going to be daring, and see if I can finish a whole pair of socks before the end of the year. Since I have six more months, and no other small projects that I can travel with, this just might work. I wouldn't recommend placing bets on it, though. Especially because I just dyed my first batch of roving this week, and I have another neglected craft I'd like to start working with. Now that there's light, and I have space in the house, I'd like to start doing some lace work. And, since I am nowhere near my camera, I'll have to leave you with a picture of the antique materials I inherited a while back.

In review:

--Less insanity, more relaxing, probably more blogging. Total win. All coming soon.
--I actually finished two projects, but they are both one-row scarves, so they're not very exciting.
--I actually hit the ball and made it to first base in our most recent softball game. I am impressed with myself, as that's been my only real goal, aside from not getting hit with the ball.
--I dyed some fiber, but it hasn't been washed or dried yet, so we'll see how it turned out later this week. It's mostly sort of pinkish.
--Someone asked for a link to donate to my 3-day fund, so I am including one here. http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2010/PhiladelphiaEvent2010?px=4909297&pg=personal&fr_id=1468

Why I'm Walking

...because I've been trying to figure out some easy, effective fundraisers so I can participate in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure this autumn. I'm committed to walking 60 miles in 3 days, and to raising $2,300 for breast cancer research, and the question I keep coming back to in my head is, 'Why?' Why would I want to train for months, sleep in a tent, use port-a-potties exclusively for days, buy multiple pairs of walking shoes, spend my time soliciting money that most folks don't have to give, learn how to use a treadmill, or spend 3 days away from home, exercising?

The easy answer is my family. Three of my dad's five sisters have battled cancer and won (one of my aunts just beat cervical cancer a second time, and unfortunately another one just found a tumor in her brain). His mother wasn't so lucky. One of my cousins was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 25, and we just lost one of my mother's cousins to pancreatic cancer a little while ago. Cancer runs strong and vicious through my family, and I want very much to see a day when none of my amazing relatives will have to go through the diagnosis, treatment, and recovery process. We are a strong, resilient, goofy group of people, but enough is really enough already. I think we could use a break, and finding a cure for breast cancer is a key that could unlock a cure to other forms of cancer.

I'm also walking because the statistics scare me. One out of every 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. I know and love way more than 8 women, and it breaks my heart to think of any of them suffering and fighting through this disease. In the US, a woman will die from breast cancer every 13 minutes, and be diagnosed every 3 minutes. The biggest risk factors include getting older and being a woman--things which none of us can actually control. These are numbers, which don't always hit as close to home until you really think about them. In the time it takes me to write this blog, two women will have died from this disease. That's sobering as hell.

I'm doing this to honor all the people that gave me so much support and love while I was going through the Alien Spine Baby Saga. Because of all that love and support, I was able to bounce back from some pretty major surgery as quickly and well as possible. A big part of the credit for that goes out to my amazing surgeon, and to the hospital staff that took such good care of me. A bigger part, though, goes out to my family (my whole family, not just the blood relatives) who sent me get well cards and movies and toys and books and lovely knitted things, held my hand while I was crying, brought food when I couldn't cook, and surrounded me with so much love that I knew, no matter what, I was not alone. This walk, this gesture, is a way for me to help pay some of that wonderful positivity forward. It's a way for me to give some of the care and support that was given to me back out to the world.

So, that's what's worth it to me. Those things, but mostly those people, are worth doing something big and crazy and a little amazing for. They're worth sweating and training and raising money for. And if I can pull this off and walk in the 3-Day in five months, it will be something to be proud of.

Working BLog...

Today's blog is brought to you by none other than my work computer, since the home computer is still very much out of commission. I'm going to try to track down my awesome install disk so I can go back to enjoying the wonder that is having your own computer at home.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying the wonder that is sunshine and warmth. This time three weeks ago, it was about 40* (which translates to about 4* for our Celsius-using friends) and we were wondering about more snow, while we were being rained on profusely. Currently, we're experiencing some serious warmth (87*/30*) and there isn't a cloud in the sky. This is the kind of day when everybody should have the day off, so they can bask in the sun on a nice rock like a newt.

The gorgeous weather has been great motivation to actually accomplish so many of the things I've been putting off. For instance, the bedroom is clean now (i even make the bed most mornings. i feel like a spokesperson for the bureau for adults acting like adults). There's nothing on the floor that doesn't belong there, and bag after bag of trash was taken out. That kind of cleaning requires a merciless mindset, and I had it. The rest of the house is looking pretty good, too. I still have some things that need a better home than the one they have, but the house is clean. The floors aren't sticky, there are no cat-sized dustbunnies, and you can actually sit on the couch because there's no clutter on it...Well, there's less clutter on it. A lot less!

I've been trying to get some time to play out in the garden, too. Now that there's light out when we get home, I've been trying to do gruntwork like breaking up sticks and turning the soil over, so that over the weekends, I can do the fun bits like planting things and shopping. Jim's mom gave me some plants for my birthday, so we have tomatoes and a couple of jalapeno peppers ready to go into the ground when the weather's a little more stable. The strawberries are starting to take off, and I'm looking forward to having some berries to show for them this year. We're also discussing adding some more flowers and pretty things, along with the useful ones. And who knows, I might give growing herbs another try.

I've been going to the gym at least twice a week faithfully, too. I'm starting to feel better already, in that I can walk up two sets of stairs before I get out of breath. It's good to feel like I'm making progress on that front, too. I saw a movie in the theater last weekend, and got to walk down the same hallway I did last July. This time, I walked tall and straight and laughed with my friends the whole way. I didn't even realize how big a change that was until we were out in the parking lot. It feels good to stop and think about how far I've come in such a short time, and to think about where I was and what was going on a year ago. I've come a long way, and that feels awesome. I lost so much of last summer to painkillers and just trying to heal (at best, i have very fuzzy memories of everything from june-late august), that it feels like I'm trying to make up for lost time.

My birthday this year was peaceful and fun. Jim and I watched a movie and ate pizza Friday night, then the family came over for dinner on Saturday. Momolla brought tacos and red beans and rice and Kate made a gorgeous cake. Kate and Patrick gave me some pretty roving, and Momolla and Dadumms enrolled me in a fiber bon-bon of the month club. I'll be getting cute little bundles of exotic fiber to play with every month for the next five months, which will be awesome. Jim gave me something shiny for my birthday--his great-grandmother's engagement ring. This is the fourth 'not an engagement ring' he's given me, and I very nearly hit him. We ended up having a good talk later that day and discussed things pretty calmly. Jim is either a) very confused about what he wants out of our relationship or b) particularly terrible at expressing himself. Apparently, when he said he didn't want to get married, he meant that he didn't want to get married now (what a difference a word makes, eh? i wish he had added that word the first time we talked about this). Things are better now, thankfully. Less tense and emotional.

Time is unfortunately up, so here is your review:

--Sun is good. Rain is less good, but we get much more of it.
--The house is clean. Like, really clean. It's amazing.
--Got some wool and some bling for the birthday. Good stuff.
--Bear with the crappy formatting, I had to type this in notepad, then copy and paste into blogger.
--Jim is taking me on a special date for my birthday. He won't say where we're going to dinner, though.
--Laptop still has computer disease. This makes me want to use a sad smiley. :(
--Smilies are usually pretty goofy.

Hiatus...

Somewhere along the way, I lost a couple of months on the blog. I apologize for my unplanned, unannounced absence. I don't have much of a reason, except that when you spend your entire day on the internet, it can be kinda tough to make yourself hop right back on as soon as you get home. In order to catch everyone up on the amazing happenings in the World of Em, I have prepared some bullet points for you. Think of it as kind of a longer version of the review section at the end of entries.

--Snow. There was lots and lots of it. For ages. I was pretty sure it would never go away, and that the whole world would be covered in it forever.

--The snow melted, at long last. We've moved on to Pennsylvania's favorite spring-autumn weather pattern. Rain!

--That's all right though, because I have never had to shovel rain off my sidewalks.

--There have been just enough warm, sunny, beautiful days to prove that such things exist, in between the snow and the rain. We tried hard not to get used to them.

--This year, there will be a real garden at my house. Last year, I wasn't up to much maintenance or planting, but this year will be better.

--We already have strawberries planted, and a few that might have survived being weed-whacked last summer. We gave them up for dead and were pleasantly surprised to see some green on the stumps of the plants.

--There is no engagement ring in my near future. The whole 'go look at rings with my sister line' apparently was not an indication that there might be. In fact, Jim is actually not for marriage in general, or ours in specific (though, he wants us to live exactly as though we were married. just without the actual marriage process. no, i don't get it, either). Still not sure how I feel about this, or how this will impact us long-term.

--I turn 24 in a few weeks, not sure how I feel about that, either. Mostly, I'm pretty happy that I have made it another year.

--Are you guys familiar with the Susan G Komen Foundation 3 Day walk? I signed up as part of a team with some women I work with. We're pretty psyched, though I am secretly wondering what the hell I have gotten myself into.

--One of the things I have apparently gotten myself into is regular appointments at the gym. Also, buying a pair of athletic sneakers. Sneakers that are expensive when they're on sale, no less (i will be damned if i buy the hundred and thirty dollar shoes the nice man in the store told me all the walkers loved).

--One of the hazards of my job is that I keep wanting to use smilies whenever I type anything. And since I generally think smilies are kinda goofy, this drives me crazy.

--My computer picked up a malware program somehow, and then a particularly nasty virus as soon as I cleared that out. Jim is working on the virus, but I can't use my computer at home. I'm not sure how this happened, since I don't exactly open unknown email attachments or watch any internet porn.

--I have a nemesis at work. He's our new guy, and I think he has trouble respecting me because I am less than half his age. He's learning, though, and I'm learning the best ways to handle him. Having a nemesis makes for good work stories around the house.

--I am finally almost done with the red silk spinning. It has taken forever, because it turns out I'm not actually a fan of spinning silk. I changed my drafting technique, though, and that seems to be helping.

--I am also finally almost done with a number of warm, snuggly scarves. This is perfect timing for spring, no?

--Roxie sent me a hat. It is purple and has shiny bead dreadlocks on it and I love it.

--Eating healthy is all well and good, but fruit just isn't the same as potato chips with a sandwich.

--One piece of chocolate is also not as good as two, or many.

I am fast running out of time and things to say, so I will post this up now and humbly beg your forgiveness for neglecting you all. Here's hoping your weather is warmer and at least a little drier than ours is.