Saturday, January 31, 2009

Fevered Blogging...

..because I've had a relapse of the Stomach Ebola that's been going around lately, and it hit me with a vengeance this time around. I'm freezing and fevered and hurty and miserable, which everyone knows are the best blogging conditions around.

I've been feeling pretty defeated the last week or so. I don't need to give you guys a huge account of my personal trials (though heaven knows i always do) but things are tight and I am afraid. I have faith things will get better and that we'll be all right. I'm just not sure what's going to happen between now and the mystical "eventually." Cross your fingers for me, it's starting to look like arson and murder are pretty good options, compared to some of the other ones I'm looking at.

So I've been self medicating to keep myself going. No worries, I'm not abusing drugs or alcohol or even yarn. Goodness knows I couldn't stomach the drugs or alcohol at this point, anyway. But I've been listening to a lot of songs that make me feel hopeful and strong and like I can handle my life. They help, mostly. I've also been reading and spinning and knitting. It helps to take my mind off of the things I can't control too much. Pretty soon, I should have a couple of finished objects to show you guys. One or two of them have been in the making for a while now (but the socks that shall not be named are not on that list. we're still not actually on speaking terms. and i may have mislaid the pattern. again.), thanks to my many issues with finishing things.

Know what my favorite way to cope with feeling like this is? I look right at Jim and ask him to tell me one good thing. "I love you," while true and sweet and wonderful, is considered a cop-out. Sometimes, I play the game with myself. And right now seems like a good opportunity. I'll even throw in a couple of extras. One good thing: I still have a (relatively) warm house to live in. Two good things: we still have food, even if it's ramen and frozen non-brand pizza. Three good things: Jim and I are probably going to get free tickets to the Philadelphia Auto Show, so we can probably keep our annual date. Four good things: it's going to be almost warm tomorrow.

Okay. So, there are good things going on. I may have to reach for them, but they're there. I'm still stressing out over a lot of things, but I think that, so long as I have a home to come to every day and my man and my family, I'm doing all right.

"If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken" --jewel

I am never broken.


Rose Red said...

I'm sorry that things are looking a bit grim for you at the moment - but the "good things" is a good thing to do - husby and I do it every night when we go to bed - we try for 3 good things. And sometimes it's hard, but that's what makes doing it even more important.

Galad said...

I'm feel for you that life has been such a struggle lately and then to get the stomach flu!

You are on the right track for getting through tough times (financial and otherwise). Have faith, keep hopeful, hold your family close and be grateful for small mercies. It is a good reminder for all of us.

Monique said...

I love that jewel song. It is so beautiful. My heart and thoughts are with you mate. Hang in there. Keep thinking of the good things and the things that matter the most.

Bells said...

I'm behind on reading, Em so I'm a bit late to the party on this one. Songs are a great way to keep positive and strong, even if it's just by the skin of your teeth some days. That's a nice one.

I agree I love you is a cop out! Sean does it all the time - sweet, but I want something thta he had to really think about!