Sunday, September 20, 2009

Mourning...

...is a funny thing, sometimes. My grandmother died today. That's the second grandparent this year, and the last one I'm biologically related to. I know my cousins (my mother's sister's children) will be upset by it; they were close to her. Somehow, though, I can't mourn the woman. I hardly knew her. For a variety of reasons, and because of a lot of family drama, we were never close to my mom's parents. I wish, and have wished many times, that this were not so. There will be no funeral, no memorial, no ceremony in my grandmother's honor. She didn't want one; I'm not sure why. So my family and my grandmother's sisters will gather and remember her. I'm looking forward to hearing about her, to learning what she was like. And all the while, I'll feel sad. I will mourn, though it won't be for the woman, but rather, for the relationship we never had.

I'll draw comfort from my Aunt Joan and Aunt Elsie, who I do know and love, and from the knowledge that when I eventually have children, they will know their grandparents. My children will have a gloriously extended family full of love and insanity.

To the grandmother I never really knew. May you rest in peace, and may you leave behind more loved ones to mourn your passing on your next go-round.

6 comments:

Bells said...

I feel very aware of you all today. I just read your mum's post and I saw Kate say something on Facebook about a death in the family and I had a feeling it was a big one like this.

Really tough stuff when things are complicated. I feel very much for your mum.

Rose Red said...

I'm sorry to read this, both of her death and particularly that you didn't have a close relationship. I do think that's a sad thing, but I'm glad you've got good relationships with your aunts (and of course your parents!)

Galad said...

It makes perfect sense to me that you mourn a relationship that never was and now never will be.

Thinking of you and your family.

Julie said...

Just read this. I'm sorry to hear the news, and I hope your family get-together went well. ((hugs))

Roxie said...

Relations are two way. My dad died alone in his hospital room because he told his family to get out and quit bothering him. Please, dear, feel no guilt. Mourning the lack of a relationship is reasonable, but don't feel guilty, ok?

Hugs to you.

Dianne said...

I'm so sorry... I'm sending you all big hugs.