Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year. I love the magic, and the glow that everything has, and that for one small part of the year, people are willing to give and to create joy for others. But here it is, two weeks before Christmas, I'm not feeling it. I'm not ready. I have looked within myself to find that inner child who glories in the lights and the songs and the giving and you know what? She seems to be sleeping. Or maybe she wandered off.

I don't know quite why it is, but I am just not thrilled for Christmas. The house isn't decorated yet, we don't have a tree, and I haven't done any of my shopping yet. I'm not humming carols, I'm not baking cookies, I'm not bullying other people into enjoying the season.

Maybe it's because I'm tired. I feel as though I've spent the entire year running, filling every spare moment of my time. I have been better about saying no sometimes, but my free time is still packed full. I keep telling myself it's only a few more weeks, and then things will calm down. But that never actually happens. I'm starting to realize that there is no calm. And I take a day off every now and then and spend the day in bed lounging. But that never-finished to do list keeps niggling in the back of my mind.

Maybe it's because I enjoyed Thanksgiving so much. The day with my family at the parents' place was great, and Second Thanksgiving here was a lot of fun. We finally finished most of the leftovers (which I loved) and I got to spend a lot of time in the kitchen, which is something I love. Goodness knows I have so much to be thankful for, and that I remember it every day.

Maybe it's because I got demoted at work. Last week, I was called into the HR office and told that I was no longer qualified for my job, and that it was being phased out of our social media strategy. I'm back to answering phones, working in the Customer Service department. I lost the first job I've ever actually liked, and there's no chance of my being able to do anything similar to it. I'm good at customer service, and that's where my company plans to use me. So hey, I'm not unemployed. I'm not even making any less money. But I hate customer service. And I hate feeling like I've taken such a step backwards in the company.

Maybe it's because things with Jim still aren't great. I talked to him in October and told him what I need, want, and won't compromise on in the future (marriage, children, and a fair division of housework). I told him he has a whole year to figure out what his goals are (for us and in general), and then we can discuss whether those are compatible or not. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is going to decide he's not prepared to discuss marriage and children as a definite (i'm not saying we need to be married in a year or anything, but i need to know that jim is okay with it and it will happen. same with kids. i am by no means ready yet, but when i am, i don't want to find out that jim can't stand the thought of having children). It feels like I'm spending the next several months trying not to say goodbye, which isn't fair to Jim. He has plenty of time to do some soul-searching, and he may yet surprise me. I am certainly hoping he is.

So I don't know if any one of these things, or a combination of all of them is keeping me from getting in to Christmas this year. But really, if we were to skip it all together this year, I'd be okay with it. I'm really hoping that I'll get into the groove next week, when we get a tree, finish the decorating (we'll start this week) and I do the grocery shopping for Christmas dinner. We'll see. Here's hoping that you're ready and waiting for Christmas morning, with better spirits than I can scrape up.


Rose Red said...

I know what you mean. I'm hoping my christmas spirit will arrive when I put the decorations up. If only I could motivate myself to do it!

Roxie said...

So we all take a deep breath and sit down for a few minutes, 'cuz I sort of feel the same way. What will make it FEEL like Christmas? I got a package in the mail yesterday of goodies to send to other friends, and that made me feel a little hohoho - ish. Maybe I should get that present wrapping and gift-giving in train and see if that will jump start my excitement. What will work for you? Ask yourself, what is the heart of Christmas for you? And if you're not playing Christmas music, get it out!

I'm sorry you and Jim are going through hard times. I wish you the best possible conclusion - whatever that may be.

Bummer about work. Is there a class you could take to increase your qualifications? I got bumped from the best job I ever had because I was replaced (inadequately I might add) by a computer. Bottom line. Computers don't need insurance benefits, sick leave, vacation time or annual raises.

bells said...

Wow, some big stuff going on for you Em. Big life questions. I wish you a clear head and heart to get through this stuff!

Galad said...

It is obvious you aren't the only one having trouble with the whole Christmas spirit thing. I too am just not in the mood and feel like I'm going through the motions.

You do have rather a lot going on. Take good care of yourself and take the small joys where you can find them (I find chocolate works :-)

Donna Lee said...

Your post made me sad almost to tears (but then you know me, I'm a waterworks). Christmas spirit has been sorely lacking all round this year and I don't know why. I am looking forward to it but not with the zest I usually enjoy. It's slowly growing and I think by the 25th, I'll be ready to have some punch and egg nog and do some serious celebrating. Best part of all? You'll be there, too. I love you.

Monique said...

I have had many christmas' where I have had the season ho-hums. I guess it might be because you are in a ebb time and are depleted of energy. You have done so much this year so much so that we have hardly heard from you in this little space of yours. You have to give yourself credit for what you have done. You also have to give yourself the due respect for putting out there what you wnat from your relationship. many people would just let it flo in the HOPE that they would both be in the same place at the same time, What you have done is very brave.

Wishing you a huge breath of christmas cheer from here. My kids have got me into the spirit after many years of feeling that this season is over-rated.

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