Sunday, February 6, 2011

Dear Blog

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you still. I'm not as busy these days, and I don't really have an excuse. I have a reason. I miss you, blog. You're a place where I can write about what's happening in my little slice of the world, work through things that are puzzling me, share joys and find solace for my sorrows. But lately, dear blog, I have been feeling off. And by lately, I mean the last several months.

You see, my relationship with Jim has been deteriorating, unraveling like a piece of knitting that's been slipped off the needles. I have been given lots of well-meaning advice, and have figured some things out on my own. But what I miss, really and truly, is how you listen. How I can tell you things in my own way at my own pace and you don't jump in and ask questions. How I can break down a little and you don't judge me for it or give me pity or fake sympathy. You simply listen, and that is a gift. But, dear blog, while I will tell you my secrets and hopes and fears and dreams, I don't think it's fair to share secrets and personal information that aren't mine--or exclusively mine. So I have not talked about Jim much, or our relationship in depth. I realize now that these relationship issues have affected me more deeply than I realized, and for longer than I suspected. And without the release of talking to you, so much emotion has been bottled up that I feel I might burst.

Still, there are other things we can discuss and I have been remiss in sharing them. Please know that it isn't because I've grown tired of you, or because I feel you aren't worthy to know and see and share these things. It's more that as things have progressed with Jim, I have drawn further and further into myself, sharing less and reaching out less. I'm not shunning you, I have been hibernating this whole winter. I have retreated into myself to try to rest after an exhausting, tumultuous year and to try to heal some of the hurts that I am wrestling with. I can maintain a brave face for most of the people I know, but I don't lie to you that way. Rather than try, I have simply absented myself.

Please don't think that my world is ending, or that I am sitting here writing dreadful emo poetry with my own tears or blood or other horrible things. I feel rather bleak most days, but as we have found out together, I am never broken. Jim and I are considering counseling, and trying to figure out if we can or want to salvage our relationship. Perhaps I will have better news for you in the spring. Know that I miss you, and that I feel our separation most deeply.

Always And Ever Yours,
Em

11 comments:

Rose Red said...

It's good to have someone to talk to about the life stuff, isn't it. And the act of writing it out often gives a clarity that talking does not.

You know your strength and that you can deal with whatever life throws you, and this strength and your goodness (and your family) will see you through whatever happens.

Roxie said...

And you know we're always heere, and we always love you.

(Try writing the secret-telling posts, but don't post them. You still get to think things through that way.)

Monique said...

I hope in the springtime come out feel the sunshine on your face and feel a little better facing the world.

Warmest of thoughts Em.

Galad said...

We are always hear, waiting for you when you have joys or deeper thoughts to share.

Even when long periods pass between posts, you are thought of often.

Wesley 'Whitey Lawful' Mcgranor said...

Do not let Jim go.

Freakazoid said...

You know I ended up writing a confession on my blog page too. Have been ignoring it for quite a while. You just spoke my heart out.

Upcycler said...

I've started blogging also just to sort out my own thoughts and express my opinions that others who know me may not want to hear. I have a husband who cannot tolerate any sort of criticism and does not like to hear complaints. It's all supposed to be happy, happy like I'm some Stepford wife. Being able to vent my thoughts in my blog is so therapeutic. Even though no one reads it, at least I can get it out of my head!

www.functionallydysfunctual.blogspot.com

Nguyễn Viết Công Hậu said...

For me, my blog's very important. But...these day, I don't give a lot of times for it, too. But... It's still where for my to sharing what's happening for my life. I feel like you about blog... :)

skinwalker said...

You're a terrific, wonderful writer. I too, seek release in my writing, I've had many multiple journals that I've filled up, and as you probably know, the times you feel like writing, you're either euphoric, or really down, and need a release. Sometimes you're just feeling nostalgic. It feels good to share. All the best to you, and keep blogging, as I will too, on Skinwalker Yanking.

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