Friday, June 5, 2009

Crunch Time

Only two more full days stand between me and what I have come to think of as The Surgery. I explain to people what's going to happen and why and their eyes get all big. And then I tell them it's a good thing, and that this is the end of a long, scary journey. And their eyes get even bigger. And they tell me they could never be this calm. Or smile when they're talking about their chest getting ripped open.

And well, here's my confession. I'm not exactly scared of The Surgery. But I'm intimidated. It's one thing to know intellectually that I have two of the very best surgeons my part of the country can offer. And to know that they're competent and amazing and considered some of the very best at what they do. And to know that this is going to hurt and suck a lot, but will be over soon. It's an entirely different thing to feel that anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I'm aware that the odds of anything catastrophic happening are minute, and that my chances of recovering even faster than they think I will are pretty good. But I'm still intimidated. I don't have a good way to describe it, really. Fear feels different. Fear is when there's a big angry dude who's yelling at you in the parking lot after the store closed and you're the only one around and it's dark in a bad part of town (this has happened once. i take great care not to leave the store alone at night if i can possibly help it). This is more like when there's a big, angry dude who thinks that I, personally, broke his car and is yelling about it during the day with lots of people around. I know full well how things will go, and that there won't be any damage (to me or to his ego), but it's still tough to face the big angry dude down and hold your ground. See what your brain can spit out when you worry at a thing too long?

And in the interest of distracting me, Momolla, Dadumms, Jim (probably) and I are going to an alpaca (paccy, in australian) fest in Jersey on Sunday. I can't wait to see the fuzzies! If I ever win the lottery, I've decided I want an alpaca farm. I have it all planned out, and Jim is already onboard. I'd figured on spending the day cleaning to keep myself busy and because it'll make me happy to know that I will come home to a clean house after the hospital. Instead, I'm going to get all that mess out of the way today and tomorrow around work so that I can spend Sunday spinning and relaxing and visiting the fuzzies! It sounds like the weather will be dry and decent for the first time in a week, so I'm looking forward to getting out of the house for something other than work.

This might be my last post for a couple of weeks, since I may or may not get teh interwebs while I'm in the hospital. Blogs will be updated, as will facebook statuses and phone calls will be made. Thank you all one more time for sharing this adventure with me, and for all the love and friendship and support. It's great to know I'm never alone in this.

9 comments:

teabird said...

You'll be fine! It's not at all unusual to have this kind of fear before major surgery. It would be odd if you didn't - especially when your medical mystery was so prolonged. Seeing the llamas tomorrow will give you lovely things to think about once the anesthesia-head clears...... warm and healing thoughts for you (( ))

Julie said...

Your attitude sounds absolutely, perfectly normal to me. And I salute your rock-solid common sense.

Keeping busy is a fine plan and there's nothing like a herd or two of alpacas to distract a knitter from reality. Excellent choice. Have fun!

Donna Lee said...

You know I'm always up for a good distraction......

Fear is knowing that someone you love beyone measure is being taken care of by (albeit competent) strangers and not you. That you don't get to help and have to just wait.You know how good I am at waiting.....

Roxie said...

Momolla is a wise woman. Huga llama forme, you brave, brave amazon you!

Rose Red said...

Give the alpackys a pat for me!!

Hugs lovey xx

dr k said...

enjoy the 'paccys. you are a tower of strength. thinking of you.

Galad said...

Enjoy the alpaca outing. It sounds like a great way to spend the day.

Dianne said...

You're having normal, rational feelings about The Surgery. You are a strong young woman, and it's time to kick this alien baby's butt and let the healing begin! I'll be thinking about you and sending good vibes and happy, healing thoughts your way. Blog when you can - we'll be here when you are ready.

Bells said...

oh I want an alpacky farm too!

Guess we'll see you on the other side of it all huh? Big hugs. You'll be great. xo