Only two more full days stand between me and what I have come to think of as The Surgery. I explain to people what's going to happen and why and their eyes get all big. And then I tell them it's a good thing, and that this is the end of a long, scary journey. And their eyes get even bigger. And they tell me they could never be this calm. Or smile when they're talking about their chest getting ripped open.
And well, here's my confession. I'm not exactly scared of The Surgery. But I'm intimidated. It's one thing to know intellectually that I have two of the very best surgeons my part of the country can offer. And to know that they're competent and amazing and considered some of the very best at what they do. And to know that this is going to hurt and suck a lot, but will be over soon. It's an entirely different thing to feel that anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I'm aware that the odds of anything catastrophic happening are minute, and that my chances of recovering even faster than they think I will are pretty good. But I'm still intimidated. I don't have a good way to describe it, really. Fear feels different. Fear is when there's a big angry dude who's yelling at you in the parking lot after the store closed and you're the only one around and it's dark in a bad part of town (this has happened once. i take great care not to leave the store alone at night if i can possibly help it). This is more like when there's a big, angry dude who thinks that I, personally, broke his car and is yelling about it during the day with lots of people around. I know full well how things will go, and that there won't be any damage (to me or to his ego), but it's still tough to face the big angry dude down and hold your ground. See what your brain can spit out when you worry at a thing too long?
And in the interest of distracting me, Momolla, Dadumms, Jim (probably) and I are going to an alpaca (paccy, in australian) fest in Jersey on Sunday. I can't wait to see the fuzzies! If I ever win the lottery, I've decided I want an alpaca farm. I have it all planned out, and Jim is already onboard. I'd figured on spending the day cleaning to keep myself busy and because it'll make me happy to know that I will come home to a clean house after the hospital. Instead, I'm going to get all that mess out of the way today and tomorrow around work so that I can spend Sunday spinning and relaxing and visiting the fuzzies! It sounds like the weather will be dry and decent for the first time in a week, so I'm looking forward to getting out of the house for something other than work.
This might be my last post for a couple of weeks, since I may or may not get teh interwebs while I'm in the hospital. Blogs will be updated, as will facebook statuses and phone calls will be made. Thank you all one more time for sharing this adventure with me, and for all the love and friendship and support. It's great to know I'm never alone in this.