...as of yesterday, but I was too wiped out to blog. Momolla and Dadums came to pick me up from the hospital at noon, and after an uncomfortable ride home (bumps hurt. a lot. our highways are not paved well around here), Momolla got me some pain meds and Coll fed me some soup. And then, wonder of wonders, I took a nap. For three whole, entire, delicious hours, I slept in my own bed. Nobody came in to ask me if I'd had anything to drink, or to check my vital signs or to poke me or prod me or ask embarassing questions about my many bodily functions. I just slept. Three hours was more consecutive sleep than I'd gotten all week, and friends, it was lovely.
After I woke up, I spent a little time with the parents before they headed home. Momolla made a great chicken soup for dinner for us. Having been on a liquid diet for so long, I'm trying to get myself back onto a regular diet again slowly, rather than gorging and paying for it later. And since my appetite's not that great, it's working out pretty well.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror last night as Jim was helping me take a sort-of shower (couldn't get the dressings from the chest tube wet, but I needed to clean myself up some. a week of sponge baths is too much for any person to take) and friends, I look like I lost a fight. I'm pale and have dark shadows under my eyes and I'm covered in bruises and punctures. The incision itself is looking relatively good, the skin is mostly closed. But it's longer around the side than I'd expected. There's a lot of soreness there, which is to be expected. I got spoiled on the epidural, it made everything nice and numb so that I felt a lot better then than I do now.
Still, the soreness will fade, and I'll step down further off the pain meds. The stuff I'm on now is a narcotic, and I don't like it much. It makes thing seem pretty surreal. And I have very vivid, very strange dreams on these pills. Plus, they make me very sleepy. Much as I'd like to spend the rest of the week sleeping, I need to get up and move some, too, otherwise my poor, abused muscles get really sore. I'll try to find a balance between the best of both worlds.
I also need to try to find something to do. I have trouble concentrating (this blog is taking way longer than it should, and it's more disjointed than i like), and I fall asleep easily. So knitting is out, spinning is out, reading is out (unless it's smut, but i can only read so many bodice-rippers), and watching anything with a plot on tv is out. I think I'll probably end up watching free cable movies, since they're all pretty bad, and they don't require much in the way of my attention. Either that, or I'll find some mindless internet game.
Jim's mom is here with me til the end of the week, or til Monday, we haven't really decided yet. It's nice to know I have someone to babysit and take care of me, but at the same time, I wish I had the place to myself. I have been surrounded by people hell-bent on doing things for me and taking care of me for way longer than I am comfortable with, and I can't help but think how nice it will be when I can send everyone home and just take care of myself. At least I have privacy here, and this afternoon I can take a real shower again. I'm getting my life back, a few pieces at a time.
Jim looked at me last night and said, "Hey, you know what? It's over." and I just about cried. It is almost over, finally. After all the months of worry and stress and testing and pain, we're nearly through it. What a relief. Jim said he was proud of me, for the way I've handled this whole situation. I'm not sure he's got any reason to be, I handled it in the only way I knew how, with humor. And I'll say it one more time, because it bears repeating. Without my support network of friends and family and even strangers cheering me on, I couldn't have done this. If I've handled any of this mess with a degree of grace or humor, it's because I could lean on you all. And especially Jim. Through all of this, he has been a source of strength and comfort and love that I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I picked me a good one in him, that much is certain.
It feels like this is the turning point of the year. Jim has a job, I'm healing, and things are starting to look up. I know in my heart that life is a cycle, there are down times and up times. I'm just so glad to feel like we're moving up out of the mud towards the sun at long last. And you know, when I start babbling about philosophy, it's time to sign off. Hope the rest of your week goes well, friends.