'Cause you guys said I could be emo. Biopsy #2 is done now, and I am home, recovering and drifting around in my head. They gave me a percocet after, so I'm a little spacey. I'd like to say I acquitted myself well during the procedure, but that would be a lie. And one does not lie to one's blog. This hurt. This hurt a lot, and it continues to hurt, good drugs or no. I didn't move the whole time, but I cried like a sissy when the good doctor man stuck the big needle in me. I couldn't help it, 'cause well, I hurt. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain (i've got tattoos and piercings, i can handle pain) but this was extraordinary. Why this never occurred to me, I don't know, but there are definitely enough nerve endings on your internal organs that you can feel it when they're being poked at. And the sensation of the needle piercing the lining around my lung was a) gross b) weird and c) awful. Thankfully, no lung collapse today. But my goodness, I hurt. And I couldn't flinch or anything, so I just laid there and cried because I was tired (i think i managed about an hour and half of sleep last night, cumlative) and scared and lonely and hurt and for the life of me, I couldn't keep myself together. So yeah, that sucked. The medical staff were all really kind and helpful, one particular nurse held my hand and told me it would be over soon, and I was too busy gritting my teeth to thank her. And thinking mean things about my doctor man. There was some of that, too.
Anyway, I'm home now and that whole awful mess is behind me and it wasn't even as terrible as it could have been. Depending on how things go, I could have the biopsy results in a few days, or the pathologists might be stumped and have to send the samples out to some exotic research centers for more diagnosing. I know one thing for sure, though. If this biopsy doesn't tell us what this is, one way or another the mass is coming out. I am not sitting through another biopsy, and no force on Earth will compell me to. In fact, the next person to suggest they might like to poke around my lungal region with anything sharp will probably get beaten. Or stabbed. I have nice, pointy knitting needles.
I'm just feeling battered and sorry for myself, which I expect will pass when I get some sleep. Jim has taken the bestest care of me since we woke up this morning, he even bought me chocolate. Isn't he a sweetheart? I mentioned doing the dishes and he told me that my only job today was to take a nap, he'd handle the cleaning. And judging by the way everything feels all swimmy now, it's probably time to go do my job.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I'm so Lame...
...I had half a post written the other night before I realized it was entirely too emo. Like totally way too emo. So that one got scrapped, and I decided it might be best to avoid blogging late at night when I'm tired and scared and have taken lots of cold medications.
I haven't updated you guys on the health front in a couple of days because there's not much to say, really. My next biopsy is this Wednesday, and I have to be awake for it. I met with my interventional radiologist (isn't that the coolest title ever? it sounds like he's the guy you talk to if you get hooked on x-rays) and he explained how this one would work. Apparently, he sticks me with a (relatively, he swears it's not real huge) needle in the chestal region and then puts a smaller needle in that one to take various bits of the alien lung baby away. I have to be awake for this, even though they can only numb the skin (there will be a "pinching" sensation when he punctures the lung linings. pinching. right. i've heard that one before.) because sedatives interfere with your breathing and there's a chance my lung might collapse.
How cool is that? Now, I could just have a smallish bit of a lung collapse (the chances are somewhere around one in four, roughly), in which case they basically just keep an eye on me. I could have a mediumish lung collaps, where I get a nifty drinking straw and mechanical device put in my chest for a couple of days. Or, and this one is pretty cool, I could have a rather largeish dramaticish lung collapse where I get a garden hose put in my chest (i swear, he called it a garden hose. i like this guy) and a week at the hospital. The odds of that are pretty small, but they exist. I'm trying to ignore the possibility of lung collapse entirely, since I am rather younger and healthier than the nice doctor man's average patient. But there's a little part of me that keeps thinking, why would this part be any easier than the rest of it? Thankfully, this should be the last biopsy they need. If they still can't tell me what the alien baby is, we resort to the angry scared Emily who tells the nice doctor to take the alien baby out and decide what it is later because she is tired of being poked and prodded and stuck and examined. She is also having some chest pain, and is finding that walking up the stairs leaves her panting like she's just old or something and she finds that unacceptable.
But some good has come from this ordeal. My darling Momolla has bowed to popular pressure, and is making me a sweater. I'd like to thank you all for supporting my decision to embrace my dad's DNA and use an unpleasant situation to extort presents from my family. I do believe that if it were just me begging for a sweater, I might still be cold and unloved. But thanks to all of you choosing to back my play for knitted love, there might even now be something pretty and blue and warm for me on Momolla's clever needles. And speaking of knitting love, Galad's lovely daughter Nicole sent me some get well soon yarn, which absolutely made my day. She also sent me a lovely letter telling me how many people are pulling for me and telling me not to "let the bastards grind me down." I think Nicole and I would get along great!
Really, if I make it through the next few weeks with my sanity intact, it will be because of my amazing support group. Your concern and your support have been a huge comfort to me. All your warmth and kindness and humor, as always, give me strength and hope. It's a great feeling to know that whatever happens, there are people out there who are rooting for me. I'm knitting on, and maybe by the time this is all over and done with, I'll have something to show for it. And maybe soon, I'll have a reason to update my blog with something other than gloomy medical news. I hope this new week is warm and enjoyable and productive for you all.
I haven't updated you guys on the health front in a couple of days because there's not much to say, really. My next biopsy is this Wednesday, and I have to be awake for it. I met with my interventional radiologist (isn't that the coolest title ever? it sounds like he's the guy you talk to if you get hooked on x-rays) and he explained how this one would work. Apparently, he sticks me with a (relatively, he swears it's not real huge) needle in the chestal region and then puts a smaller needle in that one to take various bits of the alien lung baby away. I have to be awake for this, even though they can only numb the skin (there will be a "pinching" sensation when he punctures the lung linings. pinching. right. i've heard that one before.) because sedatives interfere with your breathing and there's a chance my lung might collapse.
How cool is that? Now, I could just have a smallish bit of a lung collapse (the chances are somewhere around one in four, roughly), in which case they basically just keep an eye on me. I could have a mediumish lung collaps, where I get a nifty drinking straw and mechanical device put in my chest for a couple of days. Or, and this one is pretty cool, I could have a rather largeish dramaticish lung collapse where I get a garden hose put in my chest (i swear, he called it a garden hose. i like this guy) and a week at the hospital. The odds of that are pretty small, but they exist. I'm trying to ignore the possibility of lung collapse entirely, since I am rather younger and healthier than the nice doctor man's average patient. But there's a little part of me that keeps thinking, why would this part be any easier than the rest of it? Thankfully, this should be the last biopsy they need. If they still can't tell me what the alien baby is, we resort to the angry scared Emily who tells the nice doctor to take the alien baby out and decide what it is later because she is tired of being poked and prodded and stuck and examined. She is also having some chest pain, and is finding that walking up the stairs leaves her panting like she's just old or something and she finds that unacceptable.
But some good has come from this ordeal. My darling Momolla has bowed to popular pressure, and is making me a sweater. I'd like to thank you all for supporting my decision to embrace my dad's DNA and use an unpleasant situation to extort presents from my family. I do believe that if it were just me begging for a sweater, I might still be cold and unloved. But thanks to all of you choosing to back my play for knitted love, there might even now be something pretty and blue and warm for me on Momolla's clever needles. And speaking of knitting love, Galad's lovely daughter Nicole sent me some get well soon yarn, which absolutely made my day. She also sent me a lovely letter telling me how many people are pulling for me and telling me not to "let the bastards grind me down." I think Nicole and I would get along great!
Really, if I make it through the next few weeks with my sanity intact, it will be because of my amazing support group. Your concern and your support have been a huge comfort to me. All your warmth and kindness and humor, as always, give me strength and hope. It's a great feeling to know that whatever happens, there are people out there who are rooting for me. I'm knitting on, and maybe by the time this is all over and done with, I'll have something to show for it. And maybe soon, I'll have a reason to update my blog with something other than gloomy medical news. I hope this new week is warm and enjoyable and productive for you all.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
And the Results are In...
...the biopsy results, that is. After all the digging around in my lungs yesterday, all my doctor can tell me is that whatever this thing is, it's inflamed. Ummm, I totally could've told them that. Totally. And I don't even have a medical degree! So, it's time to schedule another test. Yup, one more. This is a different kind of biopsy and needles are involved. I'm hoping they put me to sleep for this one, too, as I am not for needles. I'm meeting with the new specialist doctor today at two thirty, then setting up the next biopsy. I already have two other scans scheduled for next week, so it looks like it'll be another full week of tests, work, and trying to sleep. I really shouldn't complain, though, since everyone I've worked with has scrambled to get these tests set up as quickly as possible. I may need a secretary by the time this is done, to remember which procedure is scheduled for when at what location. I've been to three separate hospitals and this will be my third or fourth doctor in the area. If any of you ever need medical care in the Pottstown area, I'm the lady to talk to.
I did manage to mostly finish the first of Dadumm's fingerless mitts on Monday. It kind of sucked to give him an incomplete gift, but I was able to measure and fit them to his hands, which is good. I'm plying the yarn for the second mitt, I should have plenty of it. He may yet get a hat.
I think I might have promised pictures yesterday, which means I will have to take some. Please forgive me for leading you on, I wasn't exactly in my right mind. I basically went home and slept for several hours. Jim would occassionaly prod me to make me drink so juice and to make sure I was alive. He also fed me. And I seem to remember him petting me, which is good. I'm a lucky woman, Jim took good care of me yesterday.
Time to go make some tea and get ready to see yet another doctor. I hope you all have a good afternoon.
I did manage to mostly finish the first of Dadumm's fingerless mitts on Monday. It kind of sucked to give him an incomplete gift, but I was able to measure and fit them to his hands, which is good. I'm plying the yarn for the second mitt, I should have plenty of it. He may yet get a hat.
I think I might have promised pictures yesterday, which means I will have to take some. Please forgive me for leading you on, I wasn't exactly in my right mind. I basically went home and slept for several hours. Jim would occassionaly prod me to make me drink so juice and to make sure I was alive. He also fed me. And I seem to remember him petting me, which is good. I'm a lucky woman, Jim took good care of me yesterday.
Time to go make some tea and get ready to see yet another doctor. I hope you all have a good afternoon.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Quick One
Biopsy's done. I'm groggy as anything still, spent most of today sleeping. MRI and PET scan are next, results from everything in two weeks. Warm wishes are appreciated, thanks tons! Now if only I had some sort of soft, handknit sweater (ahem, momolla) to wrap around myself while I'm waiting and worrying. Not so much knitting today, sleepy. Pictures soon, though.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Two Paths Diverged in a Wood...
...and actually, we took the one more traveled by. Jim and I went home (momolla, i may never stop calling it home, weird or not) for Dadumm's birthday. We got a bit of a late start, but still made it down to Jersey in time to drive through the woods with the family. I always forget how peaceful our pines are until I'm out among them and I feel soothed. Truly, the Jersey Pine Barrens are my favorite place. Once the drive was done, it was time for a birthday feast, culminating in home-made birthday cake. Mmmmm, cake. I will go nearly anwhere for cake, even to places where I am teased and ganged up on (see momolla's blog for pictures of the abuse that i suffer at the hands of my loved ones). After cake, it was time for a diner trip with my lady friends and a couple of Jim's dudes. We had a great time, but we stayed out too late and so today I am tired and confused. I've been trying to keep up with blogs, if my comments are incoherent or scattered, well, let's just call it charming, okay? Coherency is overrated.
Tomorrow is my biopsy, Jim is dropping me off early in the morning. He's not staying with me because it will be a longish wait, and they're putting me to sleep. The hospital folks will call once I'm awake and he can come get me and carry me out to the car (anything that puts you to sleep kicks my ass. i expect to spend all day tomorrow mostly asleep. or at least pretty out of it). There probably won't be any news for another week or two yet, I had to re-schedule the MRI, since it wasn't set up for contrast and we want contrast. Apparently, contrast is good. So we are still waiting and wondering and I'm still trying keep living my life and not be too freaked out. Knitting is helping with that quite a bit, as it gives me something to do. I like to keep my hands busy.
Work was hellish today and I find I'm all out of talk for the moment. I'll keep you all posted on the alien baby situation as things develop. Thanks, as always, for the love and support. It means more to me than I can say (though we all know that won't stop me from trying).
Tomorrow is my biopsy, Jim is dropping me off early in the morning. He's not staying with me because it will be a longish wait, and they're putting me to sleep. The hospital folks will call once I'm awake and he can come get me and carry me out to the car (anything that puts you to sleep kicks my ass. i expect to spend all day tomorrow mostly asleep. or at least pretty out of it). There probably won't be any news for another week or two yet, I had to re-schedule the MRI, since it wasn't set up for contrast and we want contrast. Apparently, contrast is good. So we are still waiting and wondering and I'm still trying keep living my life and not be too freaked out. Knitting is helping with that quite a bit, as it gives me something to do. I like to keep my hands busy.
Work was hellish today and I find I'm all out of talk for the moment. I'll keep you all posted on the alien baby situation as things develop. Thanks, as always, for the love and support. It means more to me than I can say (though we all know that won't stop me from trying).
Friday, February 20, 2009
Mental Health Day...
...because it's been a week straight of rolling out of bed, going to get some tests done and/or see a new doctor, going to work, coming home to make dinner, and going to bed so I can try to sleep before I repeat it all again the next day. I finally got to the point where I was literally worrying myself sick, and I decided I needed a mental health day to just assimilate everything and relax a little bit. I didn't have any doctors appointments or tests, and I called out of work. I feel kind of guilty, but I really, really needed a break. So, I spun and I knitted and I tried to have a normal day. And mostly, it worked.
I got to bring my very bestest friend up to speed on the whole situation today. Clearly, I haven't been hiding this or anything, but I just haven't really been able to call her in the last couple of days and she doesn't read the blog (she is so missing out!) so I called today and explained everything to her. Funny, but it's easier and easier to explain what's going on. I'm not sure if I'm still kind of in shock, or if I'm starting to come to terms with the many possibilities I'm facing. I've been dwelling on the less pleasant ones today, maybe because the nice nurse yesterday told me I'm too young for this. I don't feel young any more. The weirdest part of all of this is that I'm still not having any trouble breathing. I blame it on ten or fifteen years of playing an instrument. Even though I haven't seriously played in a while, my lungs were pretty developed for a while there. Even at diminshed capacity, they're still pretty good. Something else band was good for, I guess.
I've already thanked you all for the encouragement and the warm thoughts (and thanks for letting various family members and spouses know, the more people thinking good thoughts, the better) and the caring, but I'd like to again. Your humor and caring give me strength. Especially the humor (nothing beats the facebook conversation about which color of booties would work best for an alien baby. nothing.) I really, truly am surrounded by warm, wonderful women. Men, too, but the women tend to really stand out. And Jim has been every bit as supportive as could ask for. He shleps me around, he lets me rant when I need to and he understands when I need to be quiet. He also tries his hardest to make me laugh, and to let me know he's here. I am a lucky woman, to have such a network of love and support.
And while I'm gushing (sorry, took some benadryl hoping it'd help me sleep. not so much, but it makes blogging fun!) I should say that pretty much every medical-type person I've encountered has been warm, friendly and compassionate. Even the chiropractor's office has been awesome. They called me today to check in and see that I was being taken care of and that my doctors were working with me effectively. And just to make sure I was okay. And they'll keep checking in. Dude, that's amazing. I have never met so many complete strangers who actually care. I think this just supports my resolve to put more kindness out into the world, since so much has been sent my way by so many people.
The knitting continues apace, though at this point I don't think the mitts will actually be done for Monday, unless we have the slowest weekend ever at work. That is a strong possibility, but I don't really see it happening. Ah well, the cat was out of the bag, anyway, since apparently Dadumms reads the blog. I had no idea, or else I would've left out the mention of my homemade present. Now it's one more person I have to be sneaky about if I want to give presents out. And I'm so very bad at being sneaky!
Time for bed now, I can't skip work again tomorrow or they might kill me, sympathy or no. I hope everyone's weekend is warm and sunny and awesome.
I got to bring my very bestest friend up to speed on the whole situation today. Clearly, I haven't been hiding this or anything, but I just haven't really been able to call her in the last couple of days and she doesn't read the blog (she is so missing out!) so I called today and explained everything to her. Funny, but it's easier and easier to explain what's going on. I'm not sure if I'm still kind of in shock, or if I'm starting to come to terms with the many possibilities I'm facing. I've been dwelling on the less pleasant ones today, maybe because the nice nurse yesterday told me I'm too young for this. I don't feel young any more. The weirdest part of all of this is that I'm still not having any trouble breathing. I blame it on ten or fifteen years of playing an instrument. Even though I haven't seriously played in a while, my lungs were pretty developed for a while there. Even at diminshed capacity, they're still pretty good. Something else band was good for, I guess.
I've already thanked you all for the encouragement and the warm thoughts (and thanks for letting various family members and spouses know, the more people thinking good thoughts, the better) and the caring, but I'd like to again. Your humor and caring give me strength. Especially the humor (nothing beats the facebook conversation about which color of booties would work best for an alien baby. nothing.) I really, truly am surrounded by warm, wonderful women. Men, too, but the women tend to really stand out. And Jim has been every bit as supportive as could ask for. He shleps me around, he lets me rant when I need to and he understands when I need to be quiet. He also tries his hardest to make me laugh, and to let me know he's here. I am a lucky woman, to have such a network of love and support.
And while I'm gushing (sorry, took some benadryl hoping it'd help me sleep. not so much, but it makes blogging fun!) I should say that pretty much every medical-type person I've encountered has been warm, friendly and compassionate. Even the chiropractor's office has been awesome. They called me today to check in and see that I was being taken care of and that my doctors were working with me effectively. And just to make sure I was okay. And they'll keep checking in. Dude, that's amazing. I have never met so many complete strangers who actually care. I think this just supports my resolve to put more kindness out into the world, since so much has been sent my way by so many people.
The knitting continues apace, though at this point I don't think the mitts will actually be done for Monday, unless we have the slowest weekend ever at work. That is a strong possibility, but I don't really see it happening. Ah well, the cat was out of the bag, anyway, since apparently Dadumms reads the blog. I had no idea, or else I would've left out the mention of my homemade present. Now it's one more person I have to be sneaky about if I want to give presents out. And I'm so very bad at being sneaky!
Time for bed now, I can't skip work again tomorrow or they might kill me, sympathy or no. I hope everyone's weekend is warm and sunny and awesome.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Back at Square One...
...because I saw my pulmonologist today and he told me that at this stage, we can't really say that the thing (which is absolutely huge in 3-D. like, scary big. way scary big) is even probably benign. And now, we have a new worry. It might be eating my bones. Yup, the alien baby is possibly eating my bones. This is less likely, but apparently still a valid worry. You know what, guys? This sucks! I do not recommend harboring an alien baby in your lung, even if you are very bored with your life. For the record, it's a boy and I'm torn between Laslow and Mitford. Any thoughts?
Honestly, I am kind of scared out of my mind right now, because I'm back to the whole, "we have no idea what it is, don't worry too much but don't be too comfortable" thing. Momolla tells me that nothing has changed, and she's pretty much correct. But I had a little relief yesterday, knowing that however ginormous this thing may be (i saw the cat scan. at some parts, it looks to be about half the size of the lung cavity. i'm no pulmonologist, but that strikes me as probably not being very good) it was most likely not going to kill me. Now, I cannot say that with any confidence. Not to say I'm putting my affairs in order and signing off and whatnot, but once again I'm faced with the possiblity that they might come to me and tell me that it's time to take those steps. I'm trying to think positively and to be strong. Sometimes, it even works. And then sometimes it just hits me, like when I'm explaining to my boss that I might maybe be late to work a couple of times next week because I need to have another handful of acronym tests run (we're doing an mri and a pet scan now. also, a biopsy.) and that I'm sorry, but I can't help it and when he just looks at me and says that of course that's okay. The kindness and the worry somehow make it harder to deal with. The lung doctor was very up front with me, and not rattled, but definitely not relaxed about this. He told me that it'll be two or three weeks before we're even sure what this thing is and how it'll be best to remove it.
Right now, my future is entirely in the hands of other people. I can't stand that! I want to be able to do something, to yell and scream and handle this myself. And I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do (though i'm considering my friend's offer of a hacksaw and a shop-vac) except wait and pray, as much as I ever do. So, I knit. I'm turning my handspun into a pair of fingerless mitts for my dad for his birthday. He wants something to keep his hands warm while he's in his woodworking shop, and I thought I'd oblige. The cool thing is that it'll kind of match the scarf Momolla made for him, since it's the same two types of wooll, though hers is much better spun. Eventually, I'll post a picture for you. I'm pretty much just making this up as I go, but it's mindless one by one ribbing so far which gives my anxious hand something to do in various waiting rooms. I've got my flyer issues mostly sorted out with the wheel, which is awesome, since I'll need to be making another batch of this yarn for the second mitt. Thankfully, I can spin much quicker than I can knit (finally, something i'm not the slowest person ever at!) so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.
That's all for tonight, I've got to take dinner out of the oven, life goes on. I just wanted to let you all know what's going on again. As always, your thoughts and concern are appreciated, they give me hope and strength. And, most importantly, they make me smile. I'm callling on all of you for charater witnesses if I have to go on Judge Judy.
Honestly, I am kind of scared out of my mind right now, because I'm back to the whole, "we have no idea what it is, don't worry too much but don't be too comfortable" thing. Momolla tells me that nothing has changed, and she's pretty much correct. But I had a little relief yesterday, knowing that however ginormous this thing may be (i saw the cat scan. at some parts, it looks to be about half the size of the lung cavity. i'm no pulmonologist, but that strikes me as probably not being very good) it was most likely not going to kill me. Now, I cannot say that with any confidence. Not to say I'm putting my affairs in order and signing off and whatnot, but once again I'm faced with the possiblity that they might come to me and tell me that it's time to take those steps. I'm trying to think positively and to be strong. Sometimes, it even works. And then sometimes it just hits me, like when I'm explaining to my boss that I might maybe be late to work a couple of times next week because I need to have another handful of acronym tests run (we're doing an mri and a pet scan now. also, a biopsy.) and that I'm sorry, but I can't help it and when he just looks at me and says that of course that's okay. The kindness and the worry somehow make it harder to deal with. The lung doctor was very up front with me, and not rattled, but definitely not relaxed about this. He told me that it'll be two or three weeks before we're even sure what this thing is and how it'll be best to remove it.
Right now, my future is entirely in the hands of other people. I can't stand that! I want to be able to do something, to yell and scream and handle this myself. And I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do (though i'm considering my friend's offer of a hacksaw and a shop-vac) except wait and pray, as much as I ever do. So, I knit. I'm turning my handspun into a pair of fingerless mitts for my dad for his birthday. He wants something to keep his hands warm while he's in his woodworking shop, and I thought I'd oblige. The cool thing is that it'll kind of match the scarf Momolla made for him, since it's the same two types of wooll, though hers is much better spun. Eventually, I'll post a picture for you. I'm pretty much just making this up as I go, but it's mindless one by one ribbing so far which gives my anxious hand something to do in various waiting rooms. I've got my flyer issues mostly sorted out with the wheel, which is awesome, since I'll need to be making another batch of this yarn for the second mitt. Thankfully, I can spin much quicker than I can knit (finally, something i'm not the slowest person ever at!) so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.
That's all for tonight, I've got to take dinner out of the oven, life goes on. I just wanted to let you all know what's going on again. As always, your thoughts and concern are appreciated, they give me hope and strength. And, most importantly, they make me smile. I'm callling on all of you for charater witnesses if I have to go on Judge Judy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)