Thursday, February 19, 2009

Back at Square One...

...because I saw my pulmonologist today and he told me that at this stage, we can't really say that the thing (which is absolutely huge in 3-D. like, scary big. way scary big) is even probably benign. And now, we have a new worry. It might be eating my bones. Yup, the alien baby is possibly eating my bones. This is less likely, but apparently still a valid worry. You know what, guys? This sucks! I do not recommend harboring an alien baby in your lung, even if you are very bored with your life. For the record, it's a boy and I'm torn between Laslow and Mitford. Any thoughts?

Honestly, I am kind of scared out of my mind right now, because I'm back to the whole, "we have no idea what it is, don't worry too much but don't be too comfortable" thing. Momolla tells me that nothing has changed, and she's pretty much correct. But I had a little relief yesterday, knowing that however ginormous this thing may be (i saw the cat scan. at some parts, it looks to be about half the size of the lung cavity. i'm no pulmonologist, but that strikes me as probably not being very good) it was most likely not going to kill me. Now, I cannot say that with any confidence. Not to say I'm putting my affairs in order and signing off and whatnot, but once again I'm faced with the possiblity that they might come to me and tell me that it's time to take those steps. I'm trying to think positively and to be strong. Sometimes, it even works. And then sometimes it just hits me, like when I'm explaining to my boss that I might maybe be late to work a couple of times next week because I need to have another handful of acronym tests run (we're doing an mri and a pet scan now. also, a biopsy.) and that I'm sorry, but I can't help it and when he just looks at me and says that of course that's okay. The kindness and the worry somehow make it harder to deal with. The lung doctor was very up front with me, and not rattled, but definitely not relaxed about this. He told me that it'll be two or three weeks before we're even sure what this thing is and how it'll be best to remove it.

Right now, my future is entirely in the hands of other people. I can't stand that! I want to be able to do something, to yell and scream and handle this myself. And I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do (though i'm considering my friend's offer of a hacksaw and a shop-vac) except wait and pray, as much as I ever do. So, I knit. I'm turning my handspun into a pair of fingerless mitts for my dad for his birthday. He wants something to keep his hands warm while he's in his woodworking shop, and I thought I'd oblige. The cool thing is that it'll kind of match the scarf Momolla made for him, since it's the same two types of wooll, though hers is much better spun. Eventually, I'll post a picture for you. I'm pretty much just making this up as I go, but it's mindless one by one ribbing so far which gives my anxious hand something to do in various waiting rooms. I've got my flyer issues mostly sorted out with the wheel, which is awesome, since I'll need to be making another batch of this yarn for the second mitt. Thankfully, I can spin much quicker than I can knit (finally, something i'm not the slowest person ever at!) so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

That's all for tonight, I've got to take dinner out of the oven, life goes on. I just wanted to let you all know what's going on again. As always, your thoughts and concern are appreciated, they give me hope and strength. And, most importantly, they make me smile. I'm callling on all of you for charater witnesses if I have to go on Judge Judy.

9 comments:

Bells said...

Em this is sounding very scary. Even if it turns out to be nothing, going through all this is huge. You've got a fabulous, warm, loving, supportive family around you and a cheer squad that is FAR bigger than the alien baby down south of the equator.
xo

Bells said...

also, I've always wanted to go on Judge Judy.

Rose Red said...

Gosh Em, that really does suck. Stupid alien bone eating baby.

Which reminds me, Laslow sounds much more like a bone-eater's name than Mitford. Mitford is a softy. But you know if you can't decide, you can always hyphenate. You never know, it might have two heads, one can be Laslow, the other can be Mitford. At least we'll get to do more knitting for it - a two headed alien baby will clearly need at least two hats. And possibly hundreds of socks and/or mittens. Who knows!

Hugs to you lovey.

Galad said...

I'm voting for Laslow and will willing knit some of the possible hundreds of socks needed for the alien baby.

Hang in there! It is so stressful to have your life in other people's hands and have to wait and wait and wait. . . Knitting your stress sounds like a productive use of all that nervous energy.

I've recruited Nicole to send positive vibes your way too. She's a strong willed sort so they should be really powerful ones! Hugs from Arizona!

Olivia said...

Laslo. And that's how I would spell it. In case you wanted to know!

Knit, yep, knit knit knit - at least something will come out of all that nervous energy and wanting to do something. That's all I can suggest.

Georgie said...

Hang in there Em, you have so many people right behind you. Not having any control must the worstest, scariest bit. But you'll be pleased to know I've started knitting beanies in a great shade of grapey purple that I think will be just right I think!

Monique said...

Oh Em before I could respond to the last post you have sent another! The waiting and waiting would be doing my head in too. Am thinking of you mate! Listen to your mum and keep on with your mantra...

Donna Lee said...

You are surrounded by love and support and very warm wishes and hugs. If you can envision a warm, cocoon of love and goodness wrapped around you, it might help with the anxiety. And what color hats do you think Laslo/Mitford might like?

Dianne said...

Of course Alien Baby is a boy - would a girl give you this much trouble? One of my favorite quotes is from the great Elizabeth Zimmerman: "Knit on, with confidence and hope, through all crises." Hugs, hugs, hugs.