...because I saw my pulmonologist today and he told me that at this stage, we can't really say that the thing (which is absolutely huge in 3-D. like, scary big. way scary big) is even probably benign. And now, we have a new worry. It might be eating my bones. Yup, the alien baby is possibly eating my bones. This is less likely, but apparently still a valid worry. You know what, guys? This sucks! I do not recommend harboring an alien baby in your lung, even if you are very bored with your life. For the record, it's a boy and I'm torn between Laslow and Mitford. Any thoughts?
Honestly, I am kind of scared out of my mind right now, because I'm back to the whole, "we have no idea what it is, don't worry too much but don't be too comfortable" thing. Momolla tells me that nothing has changed, and she's pretty much correct. But I had a little relief yesterday, knowing that however ginormous this thing may be (i saw the cat scan. at some parts, it looks to be about half the size of the lung cavity. i'm no pulmonologist, but that strikes me as probably not being very good) it was most likely not going to kill me. Now, I cannot say that with any confidence. Not to say I'm putting my affairs in order and signing off and whatnot, but once again I'm faced with the possiblity that they might come to me and tell me that it's time to take those steps. I'm trying to think positively and to be strong. Sometimes, it even works. And then sometimes it just hits me, like when I'm explaining to my boss that I might maybe be late to work a couple of times next week because I need to have another handful of acronym tests run (we're doing an mri and a pet scan now. also, a biopsy.) and that I'm sorry, but I can't help it and when he just looks at me and says that of course that's okay. The kindness and the worry somehow make it harder to deal with. The lung doctor was very up front with me, and not rattled, but definitely not relaxed about this. He told me that it'll be two or three weeks before we're even sure what this thing is and how it'll be best to remove it.
Right now, my future is entirely in the hands of other people. I can't stand that! I want to be able to do something, to yell and scream and handle this myself. And I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do (though i'm considering my friend's offer of a hacksaw and a shop-vac) except wait and pray, as much as I ever do. So, I knit. I'm turning my handspun into a pair of fingerless mitts for my dad for his birthday. He wants something to keep his hands warm while he's in his woodworking shop, and I thought I'd oblige. The cool thing is that it'll kind of match the scarf Momolla made for him, since it's the same two types of wooll, though hers is much better spun. Eventually, I'll post a picture for you. I'm pretty much just making this up as I go, but it's mindless one by one ribbing so far which gives my anxious hand something to do in various waiting rooms. I've got my flyer issues mostly sorted out with the wheel, which is awesome, since I'll need to be making another batch of this yarn for the second mitt. Thankfully, I can spin much quicker than I can knit (finally, something i'm not the slowest person ever at!) so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.
That's all for tonight, I've got to take dinner out of the oven, life goes on. I just wanted to let you all know what's going on again. As always, your thoughts and concern are appreciated, they give me hope and strength. And, most importantly, they make me smile. I'm callling on all of you for charater witnesses if I have to go on Judge Judy.