Alien Babies are Coming to Take us Away...

So, more tests were done today. I had a cat scan, which was quick, but less than fun. Naturally, because life is never easy, we went to the appointed hospital (jim has been to every appointment with me, he's amazing) and wouldn't you know it, they'd lost power earlier in the day and the one machine I needed was now broken. So, we headed to another hospital and I got to have my very first cat scan. And I had to confirm again that no, I am not pregnant. Yes, I am very sure. Certain, even. I'm thinking of making a sign for the next time I have to go for a test. The upside of having something the size of your hand hanging out on your lung is that you get medical appointments made with incredible speed (seriously, i have never had so many appointments scheduled so quickly. it's amazing). And when you explain to the very nice medical people, their eyes get really big and they are always extra nice to you like you're fragile or perhaps slightly crazed.

Basically, all they can tell me at this point is that the mass is "probably benign," which is not very reassuring. Better than probably malignant. But still not what I was hoping to hear. The very nice doctor lady also told me that "the mass doesn't seem to be impinging on the adjacent organ," which made me glad I have a decent vocabulary. So, now we do more tests to make sure my lungs and probably my heart are strong enough for a biopsy and then possibly (probably) surgery. The cool thing will be trying to schedule all of this around work because I have to work to pay for these cool tests. My insurance is kind of fun--it covers everything up to a certain dollar amount, then I cover everything up to a different amount. After that, we wait til we hit a third amount, when I pay twenty percent and they pay eighty. Up to, that is, still a different amount, where they pay everything on up. So, a little confusing, and most of what comes next will have to come out of pocket for me. That should be great, since we thought money was tight before.

Jim tells me not to worry about that part, that we can always put it on his credit card and then pay it off. But I have this horrible fantasy where we have some horrible breakup after the alien baby is removed and I can't pay him and he takes me to court and we end up talking to Judge Judy or Judge Alex or Judge Christina or Judge Joe Brown (all of them have shows, i swear. i watch this stuff at work) and I have to explain about the whole thing and I slip and call it an alien baby and Judge Whoever thinks I'm crazy and then I get hate mail from people who really did have an alien baby and it all gets worse and worse.

And I'm babbling again. Sorry, that's the stress talking. I've been trying to be calm, since there's really not much I can do about any of this except go and get more tests and wait to get the biopsy. This is a special type of hell for a type a personality like me. But such a big part of me just wants to know. I'm willing to take probably for now, but with my family history, I'm still scared. It wouldn't be so terrible if somebody would just tell me what this thing is and what to do about it. Eventually, it'll be removed (it hurts, i am all in favor of removal), and it should be done sooner rather than later.

And so, here we are, hurrying up to wait. I wanted to let you all know that I am doing as okay as can be expected, and that I very much appreciate the support and the love. It means a lot to me to know you all care. Honestly, I'm scared. But I'm reminding myself that this will be okay. And it seems that I picked my mantra at a good time, because more than ever I've had to remind myself that (all current evidence to the contrary :)) I am never broken. I'd apologize for worrying you all, but that would seem to imply that I'm sorry you care, and that is something I'm rather grateful for. I am truly blessed with an amazing support group, an utterly amazing group of friends. It's times like this when I really feel how far from home I am, and it's these very same times when I really appreciate the internet and phones. The thing that hurt the most when I first found out what was going on was feeling so stranded and isolated. Over the last couple of days, I've been reminded that I'm not alone, that there are people literally all over the world, who care enough to say so. That humbles me, and it gives me strength. Thank you all, you are in my prayers and thoughts as much as I am in yours.

I'll let you all know more as I do, and I'll try to keep rambling to a minimum next time. I'll also talk about something fun, like the knitting I'm doing with my very first handspun. It'll be a present for Dadumm's birthday soon, and it's something I'm doing without a pattern. You know that's a recipe for success!

Twins!

I proudly present to you my very first finished pair of socks! Yes, that's right, very first. There are many pairs in various stages of completion, but these, affectionately known as the Bribe Socks, are the first to cross the finish line. They are soft and snuggly and warm and I'd originally thought of giving them to one of my sisters, but then I put them on and was overcome by greed. I now cannot bear to be parted from them, as they have warmed my feet admirably. They are also the softest, warmest things I have ever put on my feet. They're made from Misti alpaca, the colorway isn't named so I can't recall it. The picture shows the mixes of colors fairly well, though.
What I like most about it, though, was the way to colors almost striped. You can see that ultimately, they pooled and had a kind of camoflage effect, but if you look closely, there are areas where two or three colors would alternate every row, especially on the heels. Pretty. And fun. I finished these Saturday night while watching the new version of Pride and Prejudice. I've come across a lovely head cold, and I just couldn't concentrate on the full version. Though, I might watch that today.

Momolla, Dadumms, my big sister El, and my cousin Cheryl came up to visit for dinner last night. Momolla brought her wheel, Cheryl brought her crochet, and El brought the mandalas she colors. We had a lovely meal of ham, homemade mac and cheese (my favorite! carbs and cheese, what's not to love), and cake with ice cream for dessert. Momolla inisisted on bringing supplies, since she said it would feel wrong to her to eat the food she just gifted us with (though, the whole point of inviting everyone up was to share. sharing is fun!). We chatted and relaxed before dinner, and after the food was done, retired to the living room to pursue our hobbies. Momolla and I spun and chatted with El and Cheryl while Jim showed our current obsession to Dadumms. Our friends gifted us with a household gift this past Christmas, which was Left 4 Dead, a video game. Specifically, a zombie-killing video game. The boys are pretty good at it, but Coll and I are abysmal. There are two different joysticks you have to use for moving, and I'm pretty bad at it. My character always spends a lot of time spinning around in circles staring at the ceiling. Fortunatly, there are other characters to help out. I think Dadumms got a kick out of slaying the zombies, and may perhaps end up buying the pc version of the game.

In health-related news, I saw my chiropractor today. There were some subtle clues that there would be a problem when I walked in. The very nice lady named Shannon who works behind the desk asked me for my general practitioner's name, and where he is, and what his phone number is. I figured, maybe they like having complete records. And then, she went to get the doctor right away. No waiting. Damn, another bad sign, especially since she referred to me by name, and he recognized my name. Sure enough, the very nice doctor man told me that while I'm a good candidate for chiropractic care, there are some other issues that should be addressed first. Namely, there's a big ol' thing right on or next to my right lung. Yup, it's just chilling there. Hanging out, if you will. Being chiropractors, they're not at all sure what it is, and there are several things, ranging from cyst to infection to cancer that will explain the thing the size of my hand that is living in my lung sac. The really friendly and helpful Shannon called a couple of local doctors for me and set up an appointment first thing tomorrow morning. There will be tests. And blood work. And all manner of other exciting medical things. It should be a fun-filled week. I've moved beyond panicked (he said i might need an oncologist. that's a cancer doctor. i know that word! scary!) to more amused.

No ordinary muscle-type pains for me, nosir! Here in Emville, things are never that easy. Naturally, I've got some sort of alien baby incubating next to my spine. Oh, speaking of which. If it is an alien baby-thing, you are all totally allowed to stop talking to me, I will completely understand. Alien babies are gross. Totally gross.

And that's all we have for you today, folks. Check back later in the week for updates to what Colleen and I are now referring to as the Alien Baby Saga. It'll be awesome!

I made that!

This is yarn! I made it. I'm so amazed by the whole process and that I was able to take a bunch of fluff and turn it into something usable and kind of cool. No pictures of finished yarn yet, there were some complications with today, so I was pretty much entirely unproductive. I did manage to motivate myself enough to take some pictures of my yarny goodness. I had already unwound it and skeined it and washed it and thwacked it.



I figured today would be a good day to share some pictures with you all. I apologize for the slightly babble-y feel of today's post, I'm a little drunk on meds. I woke up this morning with incredible, stabbing pain in my back. I normally have some back pain in this general area when I'm under stress, but this was just intolerable. I decided that just hoping it'd go away eventually was not an option and that I needed to find the cause of all this. I went to a see a very nice choripractor, who took some measurements and some x-rays and we'll talk about my options on Monday. Until then, I'm taking lots of over-the-counter pain meds and trying to distract myself. Thankfully, I didn't have work today, but I will have to deal with a long day tomorrow.

Momolla, Dadums, and probably my cousin Cheryl and my big sister El will be coming for dinner on Sunday. The back will be bearable by then, Momolla and I are planning on spinning. It should be a pleasant afternoon. Momolla insisted on providing the food for dinner, since Jim and I are, well, beyond poor. She also very generously donated an entire freezer full of meat to me and Jim when her old freezer died. We're set for the next month or two, easily. Momolla also sent Valentine's candy for us. Damn, she's awesome. I have meat and chocolate, so life is not all bad.

Here's the yarn in skeined form. It's not perfect or even or particularly amazing. But I made it with my own two hands, and I feel pretty accomplished looking at it. Plying (spinning the two singles i spun together) really evened it out. And thwacking it did a lot towards making it less ridiculously overspun. I'm still not sure quite what weight it is or how much of it I have (this is precisely why I need a scale), but I do have a project in mind for it, and for the rest of the batch of roving that I'm spinning now. This is coopworth wool, and it's been really easy and fun to work with. It's been really easy to handle and has helped me learn.

That's all for tonight from the land of Em. More pictures later in the week. I hope everyone enjoys the weekend.

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Optimism...

...gosh, I should know better than to blog when I'm sick! That was a little...much, no? I have been scared, and a little depressed, lately, but I've also been trying to focus on hope. We have made it through worse than this before, and we can make it through worse again if we have to. Thank you guys for your support, it means a lot to me to know that you're pulling for me.

There is one thing I'd like to keep from last post, one thing that actually still makes sense and resonates with me. The phrase "I am never broken," is going to be my mantra to get through this big ol' mess. I've thought about it, and I need something simple to remind myself, something to keep gritting my teeth and repeating as needed until I believe it. And, well, it applies. Life has handed me a few troubled times, and it's beaten me down a little. It's never yet broken me, though, and if I have it my way, it never will. I'm actually inspired by the whole song, but well, that takes a little longer to say, you know?

I'm still not feeling quite up to par, but this should be more coherent and less stream-of-consciousness. I've been able to keep food down for the first time in two days, though I'm still reallyreally dehydrated. I just wanted to address that last post, and let you all know that really, I'm mostly okay. I worry and wonder, but I do remind myself that there are still good things in my life, and that there are still people who have more problems and need more help than I do. So, back to focusing on the positive, and reminding myself that we'll be okay. And one more quick quote to round things out, since I'm still into lazy blogging. A real post sometime soon, I promise!

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

--Emily Dickinson

Fevered Blogging...

..because I've had a relapse of the Stomach Ebola that's been going around lately, and it hit me with a vengeance this time around. I'm freezing and fevered and hurty and miserable, which everyone knows are the best blogging conditions around.

I've been feeling pretty defeated the last week or so. I don't need to give you guys a huge account of my personal trials (though heaven knows i always do) but things are tight and I am afraid. I have faith things will get better and that we'll be all right. I'm just not sure what's going to happen between now and the mystical "eventually." Cross your fingers for me, it's starting to look like arson and murder are pretty good options, compared to some of the other ones I'm looking at.

So I've been self medicating to keep myself going. No worries, I'm not abusing drugs or alcohol or even yarn. Goodness knows I couldn't stomach the drugs or alcohol at this point, anyway. But I've been listening to a lot of songs that make me feel hopeful and strong and like I can handle my life. They help, mostly. I've also been reading and spinning and knitting. It helps to take my mind off of the things I can't control too much. Pretty soon, I should have a couple of finished objects to show you guys. One or two of them have been in the making for a while now (but the socks that shall not be named are not on that list. we're still not actually on speaking terms. and i may have mislaid the pattern. again.), thanks to my many issues with finishing things.

Know what my favorite way to cope with feeling like this is? I look right at Jim and ask him to tell me one good thing. "I love you," while true and sweet and wonderful, is considered a cop-out. Sometimes, I play the game with myself. And right now seems like a good opportunity. I'll even throw in a couple of extras. One good thing: I still have a (relatively) warm house to live in. Two good things: we still have food, even if it's ramen and frozen non-brand pizza. Three good things: Jim and I are probably going to get free tickets to the Philadelphia Auto Show, so we can probably keep our annual date. Four good things: it's going to be almost warm tomorrow.

Okay. So, there are good things going on. I may have to reach for them, but they're there. I'm still stressing out over a lot of things, but I think that, so long as I have a home to come to every day and my man and my family, I'm doing all right.

"If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken" --jewel

I am never broken.

Freezing in a Winter Wonderland...

...because it's supposed to snow, and be icy, right up until Friday. Ah, the magic of a Pennsylvania winter. I remember when snow was fun, way back before I had to scrape three inches of it off my car before work every day. At least it's pretty.

Still no pictures for you all, I have to install my new camera software on my computer. The camera is one gift I forgot to mention, but my new little Nikon takes pretty good pictures. The flash is still making my yarn look like it's made of fairy dust with all the sparkle and shine, but it's been much too dark to go without one.

I'm still working on spinning my second round of singles so I can ply something and make real yarn. It's sloooooow going, because I still can't get my flyer (the part that holds the bobbin) to refrain from, well, flying. It likes to launch itself across the room and is driving me to distraction. Every time I get a good rhythm going, the wheel humbles me. We're working on some modifications that might make my life a little easier, I'll let you all know as they develop.

I've decided to take part in the Brown Bag Sock club, but in a limited capacity (i am such a follower when something sounds fun.). I have six yarns to draw from, and a couple of patterns in mind. For my first batch, I ended up with some incredible yarn from the Knittery. Delicious stuff, a gift from the fabulous Australian Fiber Fairies a while back. I think I'll spread the love and give the socks as a gift. I even have someone in mind. The yarn is probably the softest, most luxurious stuff I've knitted with to date (it's a cashmere, merino blend. mmmm, soft and wonderful and soft.) and it tends to behave itself pretty well. I'm wrangling the yarn into Spring Forward socks. The pattern's easy to follow and looks pretty great with the yarn. My only concern is the amount of fiber I have to work with. If I calculate it by yardage, I'm set. The weight's a little less than what's recommended. So, I'm going to wing it. and pray. Let's not discuss the WIP pile. Sometimes, you just need to start something new. It gives you a sense of hope and potential.

Speaking of hope and potential, Jim has finally been laid off from his job. We knew it was coming, his company's been talking about it for months now. They laid off a pretty big selection of people, right up to their upper-level managers. So now Jim's back on the market for a job. He's been really optimistic and upbeat, all things considered. He's got his hooks out, as he says, and we're both crossing our fingers and hoping he'll be back in a decent job soon. I'm still in the market, myself, since it's gotten to the point where I can't afford to work at Pep Boys any longer. They switched us over to commission pay a while back, and since we're a poor, underperforming store, I am making a big chunk less than I used to. This wouldn't be so bad, normally, since I'd be leaning on Jim a little. But, well, he's going to be leaning on me some. So, the quest for a new job has become a bit more urgent. I'm following some leads and crossing my fingers and thinking good thoughts. And if that doesn't work, I'll just start killing people in jobs that I'd like to apply for. Gotta up your chances any way you can, right?

And that's all the news that isn't from Rofo, as all the young kids call it. I'll be checking back in soon, hopefully with pictures. Hope your week is warm, dry, and calm.

Post-Holidays Wrap-up

Goodness, I've somehow managed to miss a month between entries again. It's been an eventful month, that's for sure.

Christmas Eve was spent decorating our tree here before Jim and I headed to Jersey to decorate the tree at Momolla and Daddum's place. There was warmth and laughter and cookies and the wrapping of many presents and then we all went to bed. Jim and I slept next to the tree all night, which was pretty cool. Christmas morning came, and as usual, I had to drag my family out of bed to see all the pretty presents and to have some fun. I even waited til dawn this year, I've no idea why they're always so grumpy.

Christmas morning was lovely, Santa was almost as good to us as we were to each other. Jim got the monitor he'd been begging for, and I got some amazing presents. Jim got me a spinning wheel! The rest of my family pitched in and bought me rovings and pretty fibers to play with and as soon as everyone had opened their gifts and there was even a little room, we started putting the wheel together. Without a picture. Or directions. It was an adventure, and eventually I left Jim and Daddums to figure it out together, since it made them so happy to have something to play with.

We eventually packed up and headed for home to spend some time with Jim's family. We hosted Christmas dinner this year, and because of our crazy work schedules and such, we didn't manage to get to the store to pick up most of our supplies. Of course, not a single grocery store was open on Christmas Day at all. I figured we'd still be all right, Jim's parents were bringing us a ham, at least. And oh, they brought us a ham. A Krakus ham. In a can. Now, forgive me dear readers for this, but I was horrified. I'd never even seen a real canned ham before. I had no idea how to cook it or what to do and so I might maybe have possibly been just the tiniest bit freaked out. Internally. It was still good of Jim's parents to bring us food. They're good folk, and I didn't want to be offensive. So, we had a pre-packaged Christmas meal. Between the canned ham, the canned beans, the boxes mac and cheese, and the canned corn, there was plenty to go around, though. And the meal was spent with people we love, so all in all, I guess that's one for the win column.

New Year's Eve was rather less than exciting. I stayed home and went to bed around eleven thirty because my boss decided that I wasn't allowed to take the week and some off that I'd requested a month ago. Why, I'm not sure; she gave me a bunch of lame excuses. So instead of going out or even celebrating at home, I went to bed feeling sorry for myself (i can't be noble and optimistic all the time) because Jim was in Jersey with friends having fun. I got through the night, and the day, though, and was told (through a text message, no less), that I could have the next several days off. I had to call my boss's boss to get this to happen, but hey a win's a win, right?

I spent last week sending out resumes and filling out applications online. I also had dinner with my parents twice, hosted dinner for various people twice, did a little knitting, found an awesome, huge bookstore not too far away, slept, went to a funeral for a friend's grandmother, and played with my wheel. Once it's not incredibly cloudy and gloomy and there's some decent light, I'll post a picture of the wheel for you. Maybe the crap I've been spinning, too, though my first batch of crap was used as cat toys. Mirri doesn't usually play with anything, but she loves the handspun yarn for some reason. And the wheel. She rubs up on the wheel whenever I sit down at it. And when I'm not there, she's sitting right next to it. She's just so damned weird.

And there you have it, folks. How I spent my winter vacation, an essay by Emily. I did some thinking and decided not to make any resolutions this year. Mostly, they don't stick. And I have my 101 in 1001, which I need to review and update. The only thing I would add or change at this point is to be kinder, both to myself and to the people around me. There's really not enough kindness out there right now, with everyone so uncertain and afraid of the economy and the future. This is the time when we need to band together and be good to ourselves and good to one another, and I think that's doable. And it needs to start here, now, with me.

There's not exactly a lot of knitting news to share at the moment, I've been absorbed with spinning, and learning the many things that can go wrong. Bells recently mentioned that she spun for an hour and a half the other day and forgot to take a break. I spin every day, but I have no idea what it's like to get that kind of wheel time in. See, my wheel lets me know when I need a break. She either snaps the yarn that binds her treadle to the driveshaft (i have a tendency to use automotive terms in reference to parts of my wheel, and it amuses momolla) or she launches the flyer across the room for no reason. My personal favorite, though, is when she slips the yarn off the hooks on the flyer and instead of winding onto the bobbin, it winds onto the shaft of the flyer instead and then ends up so tightly stuck I have no alternative but to cut it and spend lots of time swearing. It's been a learning process, it really has. I have the treadling motion down pretty well, and I'm starting to be able to spin while I treadle instead of parking and drafting, so that's good. The whole doing one thing with the feet while doing something else with the hands routine is not unfamiliar, so I think I'm starting with an advantage. Colleen says spinning looks peaceful. I defy her to sit behind the wheel and tell me that. Even once I got the motions down, peace didn't enter into the equation, just a kind of fierce concentration. Ah, well. It'll come eventually.

Sorry for the hugenormous post, guess I was feeling like chatting more than I thought. Time to go eat and get ready for work again. I hope your day and the rest of your week are peaceful and productive.