So, more tests were done today. I had a cat scan, which was quick, but less than fun. Naturally, because life is never easy, we went to the appointed hospital (jim has been to every appointment with me, he's amazing) and wouldn't you know it, they'd lost power earlier in the day and the one machine I needed was now broken. So, we headed to another hospital and I got to have my very first cat scan. And I had to confirm again that no, I am not pregnant. Yes, I am very sure. Certain, even. I'm thinking of making a sign for the next time I have to go for a test. The upside of having something the size of your hand hanging out on your lung is that you get medical appointments made with incredible speed (seriously, i have never had so many appointments scheduled so quickly. it's amazing). And when you explain to the very nice medical people, their eyes get really big and they are always extra nice to you like you're fragile or perhaps slightly crazed.
Basically, all they can tell me at this point is that the mass is "probably benign," which is not very reassuring. Better than probably malignant. But still not what I was hoping to hear. The very nice doctor lady also told me that "the mass doesn't seem to be impinging on the adjacent organ," which made me glad I have a decent vocabulary. So, now we do more tests to make sure my lungs and probably my heart are strong enough for a biopsy and then possibly (probably) surgery. The cool thing will be trying to schedule all of this around work because I have to work to pay for these cool tests. My insurance is kind of fun--it covers everything up to a certain dollar amount, then I cover everything up to a different amount. After that, we wait til we hit a third amount, when I pay twenty percent and they pay eighty. Up to, that is, still a different amount, where they pay everything on up. So, a little confusing, and most of what comes next will have to come out of pocket for me. That should be great, since we thought money was tight before.
Jim tells me not to worry about that part, that we can always put it on his credit card and then pay it off. But I have this horrible fantasy where we have some horrible breakup after the alien baby is removed and I can't pay him and he takes me to court and we end up talking to Judge Judy or Judge Alex or Judge Christina or Judge Joe Brown (all of them have shows, i swear. i watch this stuff at work) and I have to explain about the whole thing and I slip and call it an alien baby and Judge Whoever thinks I'm crazy and then I get hate mail from people who really did have an alien baby and it all gets worse and worse.
And I'm babbling again. Sorry, that's the stress talking. I've been trying to be calm, since there's really not much I can do about any of this except go and get more tests and wait to get the biopsy. This is a special type of hell for a type a personality like me. But such a big part of me just wants to know. I'm willing to take probably for now, but with my family history, I'm still scared. It wouldn't be so terrible if somebody would just tell me what this thing is and what to do about it. Eventually, it'll be removed (it hurts, i am all in favor of removal), and it should be done sooner rather than later.
And so, here we are, hurrying up to wait. I wanted to let you all know that I am doing as okay as can be expected, and that I very much appreciate the support and the love. It means a lot to me to know you all care. Honestly, I'm scared. But I'm reminding myself that this will be okay. And it seems that I picked my mantra at a good time, because more than ever I've had to remind myself that (all current evidence to the contrary :)) I am never broken. I'd apologize for worrying you all, but that would seem to imply that I'm sorry you care, and that is something I'm rather grateful for. I am truly blessed with an amazing support group, an utterly amazing group of friends. It's times like this when I really feel how far from home I am, and it's these very same times when I really appreciate the internet and phones. The thing that hurt the most when I first found out what was going on was feeling so stranded and isolated. Over the last couple of days, I've been reminded that I'm not alone, that there are people literally all over the world, who care enough to say so. That humbles me, and it gives me strength. Thank you all, you are in my prayers and thoughts as much as I am in yours.
I'll let you all know more as I do, and I'll try to keep rambling to a minimum next time. I'll also talk about something fun, like the knitting I'm doing with my very first handspun. It'll be a present for Dadumm's birthday soon, and it's something I'm doing without a pattern. You know that's a recipe for success!